Book Of All Things Almond
By Kristina Wright
Allison Morales and
Connie Allison
In tribute to Mme. O
1. Thou shalt never eat more than two Lords(or the same quantity of crushed Almond) in one sitting.
2. Thou shalt make at least one offering to thine French teacher each week.
3. Thou shalt NEVER boil our Lord!!!
4. There is only one Nutty Lord... Thou shalt not covet any other kind of nut over the Almond.
5. You do not have to actually like to eat our Lord in order to be a follower of him. (AKA, an Almondite.)
6. Treat other Almondites how you would want to be treated.
7. Thou shalt periodically persuade others to bother thine said French teacher in the name of the Almond.
8. Thy Almond shall be glorified 24/7.
9. Before eating in French class, thou shalt recite the Grace of the Almond, accompanied by an Almond Slash.
10. THOU SHALT AVENGE THE LOSS OF THE SACRED ALMOND FAMILY!!!!!
1. Thou shalt be dismissed for socialization with any other nut other than our Lord.
2. Thou must make propper signs when praying for our Lord's assistance.
3. Thou shalt be dismissed for the slander of our Lord.
4. Thou shalt be dismissed for trying to attempt to convert fellow Almondites into the Dark Cover of the Macadamiasts.
5. Thou shalt be dismissed for associating our Lord with peanuts, cashews, walnuts, hazelnuts, pecans, and ESPECIALLY COCONUTS!
6. Thou shalt be dismissed if thy feed out Lord to anti-Almondites.
7. Thou shalt be dismissed if thy use our Lord in vain.
8. Thou shalt be dismissed if thy use our Lord as a source of destruction. Thine Almond must not be used for evil!
9. Thou shalt be dismissed if thy disgrace our Lord.
10. Thou shalt be dismissed if thy do not make weekly offering in the name of the Almond.
Our Lord, who art in aluminum
Hollow by thine insides
Thy will be done
Bring forth prosperity and serenity
Upon you fellow worshippers
Almond.
I pledge allegience to the aluminum
Of French room O131.
And to the Almondites
For which they stand.
One cult,
Under the Almond.
Individual,
Without coconut or macadamia!
1. Begining introductory Pledge:
"I, [insert full name], pledge my brain,
My heart, my soul, and Spain
To the Almighty L'Amande Sacree
Who will forever take good care of me
So long as I walk upon His nutty Earth.
2. A ritual Almond Slash is performed: A V-handshape (closed) is brought quickly down (opened), making an elongated almond shape (closed).
3. The Ancient Serving of 2 whole almonds each are consumed by both the Hopeful and the Elder Almondite. They may be by themselves, or in a yummiliicious candy. IE, Hershey's Almonds, et cetera. NO BOILED! I REPEAT, NO BOILED!!!
4. Presentation of a shrine dedicated to L'Amande Sacree that shows in an arty way how much you are devoted to the Lord. (In order to keep things valid, proof by way of picture is required to be sent to ALL Elder Almondites for verification. If you do not know one personally and still wish to join our legions, email a picture of it to [email protected] along with your name and vital info. After being inducted into the Almondite C.U.L.T., you must keep your shrine where you can see it every day for worship, such as in your room, car, locker, et cetera.)
5. Anti-Macadamiast blessing. (Macadamia OUT!)
6. Almondite Blessing. (Almond IN!)
Once the above are complete, you are accepted into the folds of Almondism. Enjoy.