Moving Forward, Looking Back
Lieutenant Ken Hutchinson stood at the window of his second floor apartment and gazed out at the skyline. Spring had come and gone and they were well into the dog days of summer. He could see the heat radiating off the pavement and even the mannequin in the window of the second-hand store across the street looked wilted. His heart ached quietly from a slight bout of melancholy. They'd seen too many springs come and go. The young man that stood so proudly and received his gold shield was buried deeply in the man that stood at the window and wondered where the years had gone. The blue eyes that gazed out of that naïve face with determination and commitment had seen too many tragedies and too much injustice.
Was it worth it? I've spent a large chunk of my adult life wearing a badge. I've lost so many people that I've loved, seen too many scumbags slither under the letter of the law, and sometimes I just wonder if it was worth all the pain.
He didn't turn at the sound of footsteps coming up behind him and accepted the mug full of steaming coffee without a word.
Lieutenant David Starsky recognized the signs of a reflective Hutch. He'd seen the phenomenon too often through their twenty years of friendship not to. He smiled to himself as he passed Hutch the cup then nudged him on the shoulder. To most people, a very lucrative offer from a Fortune 500 company would be something to celebrate. To have it followed by the opportunity for promotion to Captain was the answer to a cop's dream, the logical end to a life-long career. To his Hutch, it was something to contemplate, to examine for all ramifications before deciding which offer to take.
"So, are we gonna take the job or go for the Captain's bars?"
Now Hutch did turn, grateful that he didn't have to explain the lump that suddenly rose in his throat or hide the tears that shined in his eyes. After all these years, after all they'd been through; it was still "we".
"I don't know yet. What do you want to do, Starsk? If we take the job, we'll be working together again. The money's good, we'll have normal hours for once and we won't have to dodge bullets anymore. If we take the exam, we'll have the chance to really make a difference on the job, but we'll be assigned to different departments, maybe even different precincts."
"The money sounds good and the normal hours don't sound bad, either. But we've worked in different departments since we got promoted. It hasn't hurt our friendship and we've worked together some, even with the extra stripes. The way I see it, we're at another fork in the road, and both paths lead to something good." He patted Hutch on the shoulder. "It all comes down to whether we're ready to turn in our badge or not. Whatever you decide, whatever we decide, it will always be me and thee. That's not going to change."
Hutch smiled as Starsky gave him one last pat then moved into the living room, leaving him to contemplate the meaning of life. He took another sip of coffee as he walked through the kitchen and out onto the balcony. The plants in his greenhouse were always a comfort to him, silent friends that kept him company while allowing him the chance to meditate. Like Starsky, he believed life was a series of choices, many paths that led from that long highway, and each fork you took led to not only opportunity but often to disappointment.
Wasn't life about balancing the scales as well? Justice was personified by a statue of a woman wearing a blindfold and holding a set of scales. But justice wasn't always blind. He'd seen too many victims cast aside in favor of the perpetrator's rights. What happened to the victim's rights? Well-heeled and well-connected criminals could hire high-priced attorneys to skirt the law, but the dead and the wounded only had him to stand for them. When someone was murdered, the crime created a wave of despair that engulfed everyone around the victim. How many mothers, fathers, sons and daughters had he seen devastated in the courtroom after the scum that took their loved one sidestepped the law and walked out free as a bird? He'd seen too many to count and their faces haunted him in his dreams.
And what about us? How much heartache are we supposed to endure simply because we wear a badge? I thought I loved Jeanie, but because of her past, because of Forest, I never had the chance to truly find out. It was the same way with Gillian, though I didn't know at the time that a dark cloud of reality was hanging over us. However, as bad as it was for me, it was much worse for Starsky. With Terry, he had it all, and wanted it all. In her, he saw the chance at that house with the white picket fence, the two or three kids, and maybe even a dog. It was the chance to leave the filth behind at the end of the day and go home to something normal. A madman with a grudge took that away from him and though Starsky hides it well, I know he believes at the bottom of his heart that he will never have another chance to know that kind of love. How much more of our lives are we supposed to give up to this badge? How much more pain are we supposed to endure? How much more are we supposed to bleed for it? Isn't there a time when we're allowed to say "enough"?
But if I'm balancing the scales, shouldn't I look at the other side of this? Micki was seventeen years old and should have been trying out for cheerleader instead of sticking needles in her arm. We took Amboy down and helped Micki onto the right path. And by putting Amboy behind bars, we saved more kids from falling into his trap. Amboy was small potatoes compared to some of the other scum we've busted. Forest was a cold-hearted bastard that put the value of a dollar above human lives. As long as he moved his white death along, he didn't care how old his customers were or how desperate they got when the money ran out. Simon Marcus was a psychopath masquerading as a prophet. He preyed on the loneliness and isolation of others, brainwashed their impressionable minds, and used his power to tyrannize them. He was no more the voice of God than the toe of my good right foot. He was a monster, and we took him down. And Gunther, God he was the worst. He insinuated himself into the very fabric of this country. He slithered among the politicians, the people on whom we depended to uphold the law, and swatted anyone that got in his way as carelessly as he'd swat a fly. It cost both of us dearly, but we proved that even the mighty Gunther wasn't above the law. I don't see the people that I've saved in my dreams. I see them on the street every day that I go to work. Those faces, the people that I will never meet, are the reason I put on this badge. I didn't do it for publicity, for commendations or medals. I did it so Joe Smith could go home to his wife and kids at the end of the day, and to keep the wolf from knocking on his door. He may never see the wolf. He may look at us with distrust and even disrespect, but the closest he'll come to murder will be the ten o'clock news on his TV. If he never sees me, if he never has the chance to meet me, then I've done my job.
Yes, we were naïve when we pinned on those badges. We thought we could take on the whole underworld and stomp out crime single-handedly. We thought we could make a difference, and when it comes down to it, haven't we done just that? We can't cure the problems of the whole world. All we can do is take care of our little part of it. If we hadn't gone through the pain, walked through the filth, and climbed down into the sewers, who would have? How much worse would this old world be if we hadn't taken that particular fork in the road?
What about all those who walked with us? Harold Dobey was one of the finest men I've ever known. He turned two raw recruits into a dedicated pair of detectives. He guided us with his wisdom and knew when to get out of the way when justice demanded it. He ruled his men not only with his head, but with his heart as well. He loved us as if we were his own, though if we told him that he would have laughed us out of his office many times. Don't we owe it to him to carry the torch, to do whatever is in our power to see that his vision never dies? He gave us so much. Shouldn't we balance the scales by giving that same dedication to the law he believed in so much?
Hutch sat the now cold coffee down beside him on the bench and sighed. If they took the job as security consultants, they'd be replacing their badges with three piece suits. The chaotic hours they'd kept for so long would change to normal eight hour days. They'd turn in their badges and exchange them for computers and paper work. And how long would it be before they were bored out of their skulls? They could hand in the small pieces of tin, but could they ever turn their backs on what they stood for? When it all came down to it, did they really want to? He remembered something Starsky had said a long time ago: being a cop isn't just what I do, it's who I am. No matter how hard they ran, could they ever escape that truth?
His decision made, Hutch walked into the living room and sat beside Starsky on the couch. He put his hand on his partner's knee.
"When is that Captain's exam again?"
The full-wattage grin Starsky gave him told Hutch that he'd made the right choice. For both of them.