Starsky & Hutch

Collaboration with Sonja van Schalm

 

 

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("The Fix" aftermath story – Hutch)

 

 

The moonlight shines her gentle light on me when I step out of the car. I look up, a little dazed. It’s dark. It’s quiet. Is it really night already? I breathe in the fresh air, and shake my head to clear the cobwebs from my mind. I’m home again.

 

I open the front door of the building, and climb the stairs to my place. My fingers are searching for the key above the door to let myself in. It’s dark. It’s quiet. I’m trying to find my way through my living room in total darkness, with the moon and streetlights as the only sources of light.

It’s so peaceful this time of day.

 

I plop down on to the couch, and stretch my legs in front of me. This feels so incredibly good. For the first time in weeks I feel peaceful and relaxed.

I'm in control of my life again.

 

*****

 

Home

Normally a safe place to be

Recently more like a prison

I had to break free

 

*****

 

Today I’ve done what needed to be done. I faced the monster that was living inside of me, and I beat him. I couldn’t do it here, and I couldn’t do it with Starsky. That’s why I had to leave. As much as I love my home, and Starsky, I couldn’t stay here. This apartment is my sanctuary, and Starsky is my guardian angel. He stops the night from closing in on me and holds all my demons at bay. He didn’t know that I needed to confront those demons. I had to. That was the only way I would ever be free.

 

*****

 

Home

Where my heart is and where my body rests

Where the demons intrude in my dreams

The final battleground for my soul

 

*****

 

So I waited for the darkness. The sun was my enemy now. The light illuminated every fault that I hid; every fear, every need. I hadn’t asked for the stuff Forest shot into my veins, but I longed for the feeling it gave me. I wanted to drift above the clouds again, and feel like I was invincible. I hated what the drug had turned me into, but how I wanted to take that magic ride once more! I watched the sun go down, and told Starsky that I needed some time alone. I knew he would worry about me, but if he knew what I was planning to do, he would have worried more. As the night covered my world in shadows, I walked out of my apartment and shut the door. I knew where I was headed. I’d been there many times before, in a different life. It didn’t take long to find what I want. I knew the people that lived under the streetlights. I bought the package of dreams from a peddler that I’d busted long ago, and sat down on the curb, away from the light. I don’t know how long I sat there, staring at my fiercest enemy. I felt my heart pounding in my chest and my hands clenched with the consuming need to surrender. Finally, when I could endure the hunger no more, I opened the small package and poured the contents down the sewer.

 

"Go to Hell, Forest, and take this stuff with you."

 

I was free. No body owned me, not Forest and not the white stuff spiralling down the drains with the rest of the garbage. I turned my back on my hunger and climbed into my car.

Finally, I was going home.

 

~~~~~

Story and poems written by Pat L. & Sonja H. van Schalm

July 2003

USA & Netherlands

 

 

 

 

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