| Gillian revisited: Theater of Pain |
I thought it was a joke at first. I mean, what in Hell was that kind of music doing on TV? Maybe somebody thought it was cute, or maybe the sound track had a kink in it. The music was kinky, that's for sure. Anyway, it didn't matter. Suddenly, I was back in that sleazy theater, with the music blaring out at me. I looked up, even though I didn't want to, and there she was, my beautiful Gillian. As bad as I was hurting, I still wanted her. I wanted her so badly that I couldn't breathe, or think straight. God, she was gorgeous and so sexy. There was only one thing wrong; the man she was seducing wasn't me. I wanted to scream at the screen, "No! You're mine! You're not supposed to be doing that! You're not some cheap slut in a porno movie!" But, that's exactly what she was. The woman that filled my world with red balloons, and made me feel like I could jump over the moon was a prostitute. The oldest profession had claimed her body and soul long before I met her. It sounded like a dirty joke: dumb cop meets beautiful prostitute and falls in love. We must have looked like two teenagers with their first crush instead of two adults in a serious relationship. I hadn't felt this good in years. For the first time, in a very long time, everything seemed right with the world. Every time I saw her smile, I felt like I was walking on air. I felt like a kid when I saw her walk into the bowling alley that night. I couldn't wait to introduce her to Starsky. I wanted him to love her as much as I did. I wanted everybody to love her. I didn't know that everybody already did. When I think about my hopes and my dreams for us, the truth cuts through my soul and rips my heart in two. I've always heard that love is blind. I didn't know it was deaf and dumb, too. And if they ever put a star on the walk of fame for fools, it will have my name on it. I can hear Starsky talking to me now, telling me that I'm being too hard on myself. I was in love, and couldn't have known the truth. He saw it, though. He didn't want to tell me, because he knew how much it would hurt, but he knew. He even tried to bribe her in to leaving, to spare me the pain. I'm not saying that was the right thing to do, but his heart was in the right place. His heart was always in the right place, when it came to protecting me. I can see now how much this whole thing hurt him, too. He tried to let me down easy, even as she lay on the floor beside him. He didn't want to tell his best friend that his girl was a hooker, but he had no choice. Grossman didn't give him a choice. But, when I heard the words, my whole world shattered. Thank God Starsky was there to pick up the pieces. Even after I punched him and said those rotten things to him, he held me in his arms while I cried like a baby. I don't remember how I got to the theater that night. I don't remember who drove, or what car we took. I don't even know how my gun got in my hand. I just remember feeling like I was walking in a dream, and praying that I'd wake up soon. Starsky said Grossman would be there. Well, I wanted to see him. Everything was his fault. Gillian would still be alive, and she'd still belong to me, if he hadn't forced her into that life. He made a mockery out of our love, and for that, I'll never forgive him. When I went inside, everything was dark, as bleak as my future seemed right then. Then, the lights came on, and I heard that music, taunting me. When I saw her on that screen, I wanted to crawl inside myself and die. All the good memories I had were replaced by the sight of her coming on to that creep. I could hear Grossman baiting me, telling me "how sweet it is". Well, he did me a favor. The hold she had on me broke, and from then on, I was a cop again. He was a murderer, and it was my job to take him down. Somehow, I made it through that night. Grossman is in prison now. His sleazy little business is gone. Oh, I know there'll be someone to take his place soon. Creeps like him are a dime a dozen. But, that's OK. I know I got him where it hurts. You see, I took something from him, something precious. Dear old mommy is in the clink, too. He can't see "Mum", or feel the touch of her hand on his cheek. How does it feel, Al? How does it feel to love someone so much, and know you'll never see her again? How does it feel to wake up at night and reach out for someone who isn't there? How does it feel to have your whole life turned upside down? Welcome to my world, baby. |