| 10-25-01 Recollection of persona's past I am a rock in a valley, millions of years old. Below me are my ancestors who had their troubles; above me is the future that I never got to see. Life is dark. Around me is the life that I knew. Fossils of only the truly important things remain, while everything else is dust. Massed together, it doesn't look like much. A spec here and some mud there have not created who I am. I am the product of evolution, one piece in a puzzle that no one can truly figure out. So I sit here in my valley waiting to be uncovered. Waiting for the true intellectuals to look back and wonder how I lived. To wonder what motivated me as a rock, what made me get up in the morning and sit under the sun and rain. What allowed the wind to blow me away, or what shaped my creation: why am I like I am today? This I cannot tell you. I am I rock, I do not speak. Toss me around, break a window with me. Take me in your hand and abuse me. Take out all of your anger through me. I am your pain. I am your suffering. I am the little ball of fire that spears through your heart, your guilt trips that eat away at the goodness you think is your soul. My souls is hardened by years of observation. I will survive longer than a mere feeling, I will survive longer than your flawed machines and justifications for existence that are skyskrapers. No one appreciates the rocks anymore, yet they will always be there. I know what is important, I know the truth. I have seen dinosaurs conquer and be conquered, I have seen you when you were hanging around in trees. I have seen that you and the Earth will not last forever. Neither will I. What is important is in the end I will be together with my kind. Will you? 11-02-01 Taking the wrong train home Riding in cars, vesseling along the sky. You leave with such nevousness and hope, a new experience in mind. The trip takes too long, who knows what other people maybe doing. When you get there, the destination is gone and shambles remain of your psyche. You wander around to try and pick up the pieces. What could have gone wrong, why I am left in disarray? I am a fool. I have wasted my time and money, and my innocence on foolish things. Immaturity starts to show. God is dead, he didn't leave me a sign. Maybe he was busy off stopping the terror on the other side of the world. I never gave him any attention anyway. Should I get back on to go to a home which is not yet my own? Loneliness deeper than the one I am in awaits, yet I have to take the plunge. I deserve this. It's funny how during your childhood you go back to your mom when things go wrong looking for answers. She attacks the little boys and girls for chastizing you. How dare they. Kids are mean. But now I am mean. All of the teasing that the kids had projected onto me because they didn't know any better has come back full circle. I do not blame my parents for a lack of long term relationships, I blame the kids. They made me mistrust people, and taught me the warped ways of the world. Now I am teasing others, showing the cheese only to yank it away. Sometimes I don't want to yank it away. They really can have the cheese. Just wait. I will be better when I grow up. Do not leave me, I am merely riding on a wrong train to home. Mixed Bag 11-27-01 The pieces are on the ground. I have yet to pick them up. I am afraid when I put them back together I will not be the same, I will be gone. In my place will be a new evolved being who has taken my body and used it for some of the worst deeds imaginable. Forever trapped inside, I will scratch and claw. I will continue to fight the battles, hoping for the war to prolong and hoping for some spark to come along. I need a spark to inspire the troops. Mumbo jumbo will not be enough, hocus pocus has not worked and will never work. My own Berlin wall is crumbling, and I need the soldiers to rebuild. The change has destroyed and tormented. I will overcome. This modern pussy shit will not overtake me. Forget relativism, forget the old rules. I will make new rules. I will forge together and make my own happiness shine. I cannot put back together the glass that was cracked and now broken. But I will drink out of another glass made from the same mold, for the same purpose, and determined to find what I am looking for. I still can�t cry. Heartbreak happens to everyone. I will make it personal. She will be mine. I am embarassed. Broken. Help my pick myself up. Provide me with the glue to be better than I was before. I swear I will be better. Things stay with you the night after. The morning after. The lifetime after. What will I say? I am broken. God telling me how to live did not work. I escaped from his pen, and now the horses have me. Lasso me back in, if only to reset my mind. I am not this man. I will forage on, crawling to keep myself from walking. Take me slowly, take me gently, just take me away to someplace safe. I want to be in your arms forever. I want to be in that moment forever. It wasn't just heartbreak, it was soul shattering. I will forgo inevitable change. Come back to me. Come back. Lost Thought My finger is black. I walked down the road never traveled to find my curiosities staring me in the face. This time I looked into their eyes and saw them for what they are, nothing. Pieces from my brain had been collecting for years up until this very moment when I knew that I had to remove the nothingness and fill it with, well, something. The continents of my brain were seperated and needed to become a pangea once more. Floating in the ocean isn't an easy thing to do when you have never swam in your life. And I had to link together these huge pieces which were evolving on their own so that my species could survive. My monstrous curiousity afterwards was nothing but the shadow of a mouse turned into a metaphysical elephant. I chased it down and shooed it out of my house and then smiled. Before I had given into it, I would give up, give myself away, give it the benefit of the doubt. Now, I am together at last, better than I have been before. There are somethings that just have to happen for the pattern to continue. I had given a dollar away, and when I looked in my wallet is was still there. My finger is black, but I have seen the light for once. It is okay. |