| 08-22-01 Violent uprisings in the middle of night. Peaceful longings that are filled with fright. A beginning to an act that will never end. Life barrels on and on my friends. The system will call you into it's throngs, do you answer the call? Do you answer? Throw down your will, this is what you want. It is what you have been trained for, breeded and taught. Yet part of you breaks inside, it shatters and winces. The unknown is scary and filled with dark places. Each persons mind has thoughts a scattered, and yet all are the same broken and battered. The will is gone. Why can't I enjoy it? Something from inside yells "I'm not supposed to be here". But you are. Thrown into the dogs, just a pup. Blended into society, only to come out in a shake. All of your true colors are taken away. Mars has never been explored, but you are the man for the job. I need to relax, calm down, settle. I want to go home. I don't want to go. One last hug, kiss, goodbye. Cut the umbilical cord, sever the link. With every passing moment your life turns and turn and turns. Don't fall down. Don't stand up. Your head is allowed to spin. Your body is allowed to shake. Your heart is allowed to grow. Meet and greet. Plant a seed. You are your own person. You are your own person. You are your own person. And yet. A twinge, a longing. You have to fight it. For some, it is like old times. For some, there were never old times. Some look forwards to new times like they will be different than old times. Somewhere in the gray lies the answer. Somewhere underneath the boxes and boxes, in your puny little mind, lies the answer. Will it take 4 years to find the answer? Some people never find it. Some people don't need to find it. Some people live it. You are your own person. Be yourself. That is what college is about. When you change, be that person. If you change again, be that person. Don't worry about the world around you. This is your world now. The answer is you. 09-05-01 Summer redux Take me on a ship beyond this blue orb. To the moon and far off into the greatness of the stars. Take me beyond pluto and past the big dipper, I want to go further than I can ever go. If life is just circles, than why am I going straight ahead? If my ship can only go so fast why do I feel I am rushing towards heaven? Further further further push me. My engine will run out soon. Take me as far as you can go, I will get out and push the rest of the way. I want to reach the outermost parts of the universe, I want to travel to the center. I want to see life at it's infancy and at it's ultimate end. But why am I stuck in this man made craft with these made made instruments and in this man made suit. I need to get out, to get away. Make me a balloon so I can float with no destination, make me a piece of paper flithering in the air. Make me more. Take me further. Take me back. Ground me. My eyes have seen too much. I do not like the bigness of the universe. I do not like the stars so bright. Why does the sun mock me with it's flaring red's and oranges? Damn you Planet X and your alien lifeforms. Man will never find you. My ambition is lost you see, my head is not tilted upwards. Instead I look forwards, not into the future, but into a screen. And I do not see myself. I see falsifications of myself. I see lines and circles that represent the moon, hazel dots that are my eyes. A screen cannot hold my emotions when I first glare up and realize that I simply am just a speck. Why can't I rush out of my door and jump up and down for eternity until I reach the moon? Jumping will do no good. It will not return the fire to my eyes. Only by destroying all telescopes will we truly realize what power our eyes really hold. Only by destroying all computers will be realize what power our minds really hold. Welcome to the fall. Goodbye summer. The Earth continues to turn and turn, but we continue on one straight line. 10-02-01 Wait Sit. The photo will develop shortly. By looking at the photo before it is exposed, you risk damaging the amazing colors and rehash of memories that will come flooding at you. But you want to see, just let me in the dark room, enlighten me. The chair you sit on is cold and unwelcoming as if it's makers were bent against anyone sitting on their handiwork. They made the boards extra stiff to force your back to ache keeping you awake during the days you have to wait. Browsing the other products will do you no good, you just want your picture to hold and cherish. You want to gaze into it's window of a soul and wonder why this moment from any number of others was chosen to be so lucky to be captured in your little box. I never had liked pictures. But then again I haven't really taken many. I'll just let the developer do his grand work and sit and wait some more. My insides cry out like a newborn baby, while my outside exterior is a rock. I hope I didn't smudge the picture. Did I let too much light to get in? Did I get everything where I wanted? I won't know until it gets developed. Then I can look at the negatives and see what I did right and wrong. Then I can open up the little envelope and flip through waiting for that one right picture. Perfect emotion and timing, open eyes and a soulful subject. Then I will enlarge the picture and hang it on my wall, satisfied with my work. I will stare at that picture at odd times in the night, go to visit it when I'm feeling happy and sad, lonely or bored. That picture will represent me and will transcend me. It is an expression and at the same time more than me. So develop already so I can take you home and show you off to everyone I know and smile knowing I made the right decision at a crucial moment in my life. Otherwise I'll have to take others. And I so want you to be the one. |