| 1-29-01 This is your life. Somewhere in the middle of it you realize it might not be your life. Your parents have you, what a selfish thing to do. Then they feel burdened by you. Your mom quits her job to stay home with you. There isn't as much money in the house. But they try and make you happy. You're a kid, as long as things move and your diaper isn't stinky I think you're happy. But you grow up. You don't wear diapers anymore. Things slow down. At least according to your perception. You have to wear big kids clothes now. You have to goto school. No one cares about your happiness anymore. You have to learn. This is what you have to learn. A bunch of people sat in a room and decided what you have to learn. I bet they weren't happy when they thought of what you have to learn. So you move on. You have learned. Or know enough to fool them. Jr. High what a joke. You've been wearing big kids pants for a while now. And no one cares about your god damn happiness. You start hearing about being a productive member of society. It's your imperative to become a god damn member of productive society. This is when kids start having sex and killing themselves, if they haven't already. Sex and death go hand in hand. You sit and wonder will I become a productive member of society? Enter high school. Welcome to the factory. Molding productive members of society since before your parents. Your parents didn't have this, and your parents didn't have that. Your parents are old now. They don't even care about their own happiness. You go through high school, hallways of swearing and making out, this is higher learning. This is where you can really wear the grown up pants, and stuff them with porn and booze. Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch. Your parents become your parents become your circle of lack of happiness. All you want is some god damn happiness. Oh college. The last step before this elusive productive membership to society happens. More sex. This does not bring happiness. You are confused. This is college. This is your life. People die. Sometimes by suicide. Sometimes they are killed, or they are just stupid. They were productive members of society. What a waste. You learned something in college maybe. And then it hits you. Here it is. Your big moment. Society calls. But you don't listen. You don't want to hear. You'd cut off your ears if it would help. But it doesn't. You are bombarded, overwhelmed. Society hurts, it burns it singes your flesh and your ego and your teency eency little self confidence that school allowed you to have. So you escape. In mind only. And you become that productive member of society. Happiness was just an antiquated notion anyway. Love long gone. Not even went into your mind. You have kids because its the "thing to do". It gets worse. Happiness gets lost. You grow old and die. And then you realize what a beautiful waste it all is. 1-30-01 Delete. It's all gone. Press a button watch the magic work. You can destroy anything. Honestly. Try it. I dare ya. The only reason we create is so that we can destroy. Rebuild. Repeat cycle. Over and over. Smash it. Make sure it goes to some Hell the human mind cannot fathom. Now doesn't that feel better? Oh. God put things on this earth so that humans could seek out and destroy. Entire cultures blipped out. The restart button is harder to push. God looks down and wonders why the futility. Then he wonders what new methods of destruction will they come up with. How badly can they screw up this time. God sits back and waits for the temper tantrum of humanity to cry out. Louder. Harder. With more desperation. Just destroy it already. Noah's Ark comes. God pretends to be angry. He just wants to recreate the recreation of Adam and Eve. They only ate an apple. You have been given animals instead of fruit. Now mess up. The dark ages were given relgion, the enlightenment science. Technology has been the bain of our existence for long enough now. God has gotten lazy. Or smart. We now destroy ourselves. Not like before taking a cowards way out. Now we press our own buttons. Blip ourselves. God doesn't talk to us. We talk to ourselves. We screw up ourselves so badly, who needs an apple. But we can begin again. Oops. The past never goes away. We close our eyes in hopes of waking up to nothing. This way we have nothing. This is our greatest fear and hope. What do you do with nothing. You start. Each of us can do it. We start our showers, our breakfasts, our cars. Why not our lifes. And then we close are eyes and end. Blip. God sits above and is bored. Wow I've seen that screw up before. Something new only comes along never enough. 1-31-01 Question. What is wrong? What is your favorite thing? What are you passionate about? Why I am here? Where did I come from? Where am I going? Whats next? Who are my friends? Who do I love? What is love? Why do I not want to be normal yet yearn for just a glimpse of social complacency? How did the universe start? Who runs the motor of the world? Why won't people just shut the hell up? : ) Why are we born just go grow old and die? Why is there suffering in the world? Why did I wake up this morning? When will things change for the better? Who saves the person who has saved the world? Is it better to just let it all go? Answer. What is wrong is laziness. It is lack of responsibility. It is lack of passion. It is lack of purpose. It is lack of morality. It is the destruction of things that people hold dear. It is the truth allowed to drown in lies and lies and lies. It is not accepting the inevitable while heralding the irrational. We do not dream. We do not think. We just are. And we are humans. It is time to embrace that. I said my favorite thing was hope and human achievement. I lied. I don't know what my favorite thing is. That's part of what's wrong. I know who I am. My favorite place is disney world, my favorite sport baseball, my fav food lasagne, my fav movie fight club, my fav band ben folds five. I don't have a favorite "thing" though. That bothers me. I am passionate about philosophy. A lot of people don't know what philosophy is. Lets just say it's the love of learning, even though it's that and a tons more. I am passionate about that. I am passionate about the little things in life. I am passionate about changing things, in myself and in the world. I am passionate about love, finding it, describing it. I know so little. Passion is something to hold onto. I am here because my parents decided they wanted to create the future as did their parents before them etc. Now what am "I" here? Let me just say i think we all have a purpose. There is a plan. I don't know the plan. I just know I'm a puzzle piece in the biggest puzzle ever thought up. (and no not by God). I came from sperm and eggs, a heritage of Europeans, into a culture of freedom and Capitalism and a society of indifference. I am going to make a difference. I am going to wake up tomorrow and wonder the same thing. What's next is the future. And I can't wait. Even though 99% of the time it disappoints, I live for the 1% when it doesn't. My friends are people who represent me in different ways, yet are there own person and can be represented in many other people. Thus life goes on. I love (big sigh) my parents and my sisters. My friends I love. It's a different love. Love isn't dead. But oh do I need it to make a comeback. And not valentines days style. Love is giving yourself up no matter what completely to someone. Love is crying because you haven't seen someone for a day or 4 years. Love isn't hiding from emotions or new things. Love is just one thing. And that's the greatest thing. You just want to be part of something. And they aren't something, so you might have to start it yourself. People don't shut up because they need to hear themselves to make sure that they are alive and the people around them aren't figments of their imagination. Oh that motor of the world question read Atlas Shrugged. We are born to grow old and die so that we live. Think about it. There is suffering in the world because we wouldn't have a cure for cancer without cancer itself. With every struggle there is an achievement. We pull together. Thats the best answer I can come up with. I woke up this morning because I thought that I might meet this incredible girl with long brown hair and long legs and we'd run off to Paris together. No really. I did. Thats the reason I wake up every morning. Things will change for the better when we want them to. You, me, everyone. So lets get to it you big goofball. You can't save yourself, but if you save everyone they might just save you. Again think about it. Don't let go. Not yet anyway. Its not ready to come back. |