jessfic

It was days, months even, of regret wrapped up in a single instant of my life. The last instant, in fact. Even though I reacted as I had day in and day out, with concern for others over myself, a tiny part of me felt cheated. Cheated of growing old. Cheated of winning the battle I'd come to fight. Cheated of seeing my wife smile just one more time. In an eyeblink, I could suddenly remember with intense clarity all the things I'd never done, never finished. I'd never given Jean a child. I'd never told Logan how much he really meant to me, deep down. I'd never fully grieved over Maddy. I'd never told Jean how sorry I was for all our fights, for all my fears, my shortcomings.

The part of me that felt cheated was kept company by a larger part of me that felt so sad, sorry for myself and most of all, the woman I loved.

When she realized what I was about to do, she made a move as if to stop me, a jerky, harsh movement that was not in the nature of her normal grace. And I turned my face away from her then, because I knew that if I locked into those stricken green eyes, I couldn't do it. Even so, the damnable rapport between us, my mainstay and my curse at times, was flooded with all her emotions. I could see the expressions flickering over her face like a movie in slow motion--denial, fear, horror, anger...and grief. Such grief. I opened my heart to her in that last instant, trying desperately to let her know how much I loved her, with my very soul. I would love her till death did us part. And it did, so quickly.

I wanted to reach out to her as the events of our lives together paraded before me in a montage of memory. The first day I saw her. Our first date, our first kiss...the first time we made love. The day I married her...and every day in between. The happiness I could remember mocked me bitterly, and I knew then that it was over. I had lost. We had all lost.

The wounds were raw and new to her, never having lost me as I had her. In the split millisecond before oblivion hit, her anguished scream echoed in my ears like the refrain to a song that you can't get out of your head. I tried to call out her name, but it died on my lips, died as I did. I ceased to be with her face emblazoned in my mind, her name caught in my throat, her very essence wound around my soul, pulling with all her might, trying not to let me go. But I slipped away and I left her alone.

Now I float here, nothing more than a little speck of regret and a dusting of sadness, watching the man I used to be transform into little more than an immortal monster. I don't even think he realizes I'm still here, clinging to what sanity I can find. But I know she knows...she still feels me. They all say she's going mad with her grief, but they don't know us. They don't know her. Because if one person on this earth is more determined than I am, it's Jean. Who else would resurrect herself from death, just to save the people she loved? Who else would kill herself for the same reason?

She's looking for me, and I know she won't give up, not until long after she's nothing but an earthbound memory. The only one who even listens to her now is Logan, and the irony of that is not lost on me. But he knows, as I do, that she's determined to find me, to save me. I'm not sure that there is anything left worth saving, but I'm loathe to argue with that woman. Never argue with a redhead. It's a valuable piece of advice.

Love conquers all, they say. I used to argue that it doesn't conquer everything. But that was before I met my wife.