All the best,
Rachel
The third ramble:
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In the beginning there was a boy, me. A soul who knew his way through life, who knew which path he wanted to go down. He knew x, he knew why, but he didn�t Jack. He wanted to be me, he wanted to be free, he wanted to travel across the oceans and see the sun rise on distant shores. I wanted to see the sun rise on those distant shore. Then I sort of grew up, took a look around, and discovered the reflection I had so long sort. I knew I was her, for he knew that to. I knew that to become the beauty I saw in those day dreams I had to release my soul into the ether of life. Look where I am now, confidant, amazed, in awe of so many, yet I feel liberated beyond �normal� comprehension. I get asked about labels, I say I am me, Rachel, a transsexual. I was him, Daniel, the boy who knew he was not meant to be. Mores life whence I came, and mores life that I will live. I am writing this in order to better express this feeling inside, the one I get every time I think about me. I feel that I want to be whole, I want to be complete; yet despite all the truths that I have learnt that is the one thing I can never be. I know that there are some amazing people out there, but some how all those promises of a �brighter� future seem a bit hollow. I want to be a real woman, yet I am but a transsexual (TS). I want to feel alive with the rush of a delicate kiss, that feeling of a shiver down my spine at the anticipation of bliss. Some how it always eludes me. If you are reading this wondering what it is like to be a TS, then all I can say is look into my eyes and see my soul. Look at my smile, my tears, my joy, my pain. Know that to be me is to be a human being with out the fear of a gender boundary. Yes, and no, I suppose I have got a screw loose, but hasn�t everyone? The darkness that surrounded me in my youth was not an emotional one, rather it was the one that surrounded me as a persona. I loved my childhood because I never really had a fixed gender in my mind, rather I was both Rachel and Daniel. I CHOSE to become her because I feel she represents me better that he could. She, me, is not afraid of the choice I made when I was 17; rather I am comforted by the fact that I can look in the mirror and know I am who I WANT to be. I look in the mirror and see the girl I am, not the person I should have been. I know that when I was young I thought like a child, yet now I am an adult why do I still feel bewildered? This is now my third attempt at putting my feelings into words, yet still I feel that mere words fail to grasp me. I want to scream, I want to run as far away from the TS ness of me, but yet I find myself embracing it just like this stream of words. Some days it makes me sad, other days it makes me have the biggest girlie grin across my face. I suppose at the end of the day I have embraced and rejected all that I am, and I am still embracing those Lego bricks that have built up me. I have read many a personal account on many a web site, yet from my perspective most fail to capture their authors lives. Is this why I rejected the standard web design? Do I really want to be an exhibitionist? No, I want to present myself to those who are interested a site which both informs about me, and entertains in ways that a slightly side ways. This is me all over, I love being a private person , yet at the same time if you ask me a question I always answer with candour and honesty. I am me, and I am an ethereal creature of many varied facets. I hope that anyone who meets me comes away with a good impression, because I try to be as good a friend as I can. Despite all the day dreams to the contrary, I know that I have accepted me as a person, and I suppose I do get that unique feeling every time someone asks me what I am. I am not male or female, rather I am me, Rachel. The questions you have are all valid, and if you would like an answer please mail me.
