| The Gender thing & what it means to me: |
| First off let me explain a few things: this is NOT a rant, rave, ramble, egocentric pile of pychobable. It is NOT me trying to show certain un-named researchers and proffessionals that I can do better, nor is it my attempt at labeling the unlabable (!?!). It is my attempt at explaining my view of gender, and how I have developed as a person in my 21 years. If you feel I am wrong mail me. |
| That out of the way, let me begin. In the beginning there was a foetus, a tiny human who knew not male or female. Obviously the XX or XY had their part to play, but aside from that major part of biology it knew neither male nor female. Then it was born. Tada! Whoa, wait a minute, boy or girl? If it has this its a boy, that a girl. Gee whiz, what are we to do? I know lets teach X Y and Y X, confused? Well it gets a whole lot more fun who those pesky things called hormones become involved. 12 years solid of the thing tends to do that to a person. Then when you realise that the look in the mirror should be the reverse you sorta come to your senses and look at yourself in that 'what the f***' manner, and then try and find the answers. For me that was the easy part, I was rachel, will be Rachel, and shall die Rachel. The hard part came in understanding why I was Rachel. If you ever find the answer to that one please to me, because I'd love to know. The best answer I came across was this thing called transgender. It fits in a 'size 7 but should be 7.5' sort of way. Comprende? No, well neither could I at age 10, 11 or 12. That was why it took me till I was 17 to finally surcombe to her sweet embrace. People look at me in that 'is she/isn't he' sort of manner when I talk, but you should see the pictures (I said not egotism, just being honest). Hey, I've got to have my talking point? Anyhow I'm going astray. For me the X and the Y have not been the issue. The last time I found it to be was when I watched 'Londons Burning' and their was a chracter giving birth. The maternal guilt trip I gave myself was so intense it took me months to recover. Since then I have explored what it is to be me as a person. I can honestly say that it will take me the rest of my life to map my personal network drive because I am still opening folder after folder to discover who I am. I am rachel, I want to be a genetic girl but can never be. I can to this realisation about ten seconds after I read about surgery. Shucks I thought, ah well there is always adoption. A realist me. But still, it doesn't stop me getting all broody at the thought of kids. For all you out there going 'get over yourself' right about now, I think I did that earlier this year when I had an epiphany over my religion. I am a devout christian, and have been for 6 years, but this year it hit me how strong my faith is. no matter what happens to me I know that God is always with me, and I will never give HIM up for anything or one in the world. This is why ultimately I have no problem being Rachel. The ultimate irony of the situation is that by being me I have chosen a life that I can neither fathom nor hope to understand what I have become. At least I can laugh and see the funny side of a very weird comedey of errors. Shakesphere even wrote about gender bending in 12th night, so come on we're not all that odd am I? Ah well if one thing has come of embracing she that is my dreams it is that I see the responsibillity of being me; that I have to be honest and show people that I am a 'real' person not a man in a frock. The gender greyness inside is something that I resolved by unleashing pandora's box, and by looking inside I saw a future that would never be put back in the bottle. I must admit that there have been ups and downs. The worst thing I have ever done, and it gives me chills just thinking about it, was try to kill myself. This was not at the same time as my nervous break down, which happened just before I came out. it happened a year into me being at uni, at a time when I had only myself to aid. I have always felt pride in the fact I have been able to answer all my own questions, but this incident has become embedded on my pyche because it was my inner core that those suicidal thoughts came. I have no pride in this fact, and in fact it scares me shit****, but I have had to accept his side of me, and reconcile the facts of being a trans person. What ever it may seem on the outside, I am more than capable of doing acts that would shock others. I have no qualms in being me to my fullest potential. I am both the ying and yang. In this respect I will bring it back to my gender. As a woman I am a very erotic person. I find a fulfilling sense of deep down warmth being her, me. She, I, is capable of the most sensual acts of intense love making. I am a polysexual being, fully exploring my fullest passions. I love women in all their forms, and the odd man (mainly in a skirt); and all this combined makes me feel alive. I crave the merest touch, I love the fact I am neither male, nor female, yet both at the same time. I disagree with Ann Lawrence because even though I do fantasise about being a woman I have always done this. My earliest fantasy was about me being a woman being taken as a woman by a woman. I still have a copy of a written fantasy I wrote down when I was 12. So why do I relate my gender to my sexuality? I do this because for me the two are inexplicably linked. For some it is seperate, but for me being Rachel has always held erotic connotations. I find her entralling, intoxicating, enchanting, bewtiching; and I have certainly fallen under spell. I am not going to appologise for this because I have always accepted this since I was 12, indeed I find great pleasure in my body in many differing ways. People who argue that to be a transsexual is to be aerotic either find no pleasure in the sensual, or would wish to dismiss a very important part of being human. We, as a race I mean, are built for pleasure so why deny this wital part of ourselves? Ce la vie. We each have to answer this question in our own ways, and I'm sure all those researchers who have looked into the subject have also had to answer this question themselves. I will never escape my Daniel, and Rachel embraces him as a wife embraces her husband. His past is my past, his body is my body, I am him, yet I will forever be her. This thing called gender is important to me because it has shaped the largest part of my life. I have given so much time to pondering her and what she means, and when I finally came to the decision to be her I gave up an idea of a simple life. Like so many before, and so many to come, I had to face my inner deamons, laugh & cry, finally smile and emerge into the daylight as a gendernaught on my way to my own star system. I hope this has been en enjoyable read, and if you have any thoughts please do mail me. God bless, hugs, Rachel -XX- |