memyself

I am not brave, I am not a pioneer, I am not a genetic woman. I am me, myself, and I. I am a person in a world of people. Open your heart to this idea, and you will understand what it is to be a transgendered person. I have no role models, I have no idols, I am just a plain ol' christian gal who like to be a member of the global community.

I am writng this ode two days before my 2nd birthday (08/03/2002), and in a strange way i feel like the queen. I mean, how many people get to have two birthdays? My biological birthday is 22nd April, but my offical birthday is the one above. This page is an ode to all that I am, all that I reprsent. It is my page to myself. Feel free to return to my home page at any point.

So what is it all about? What makes me, Rachel Saunders so different from my peers? What makes me so unusual? What makes me the odd one out? Is suppose it is because I am only two years old, or rather I became when he was 17. He sacrificed himself to become me. I am the girl of his dreams, the beauty that came from the mundane beast. I suppose that at the end of the day I was meant to be. From a purely egocentric point of view being me, myself, is the best feeling that is possible.

Ask yourself what you would do to become your inner dream? I suppose the most obvious answer is almost anything. But how many people would be prpared to give it all up? I mean give up family, give up careers, give up lovers, give up children, even give up a 'respectable' life. Not many, just those few either mad enough or desperate enough to attempt it. Being a TS means that all of those comforts listed become a lot harder, if not impossible. I myself am only 19, so I have not experienced all that is possible in the world, yet I know that I have missed out on all those things that women my age have done. I know it sounds odd, but I have never had a period, never been to the prom, never lost my virginity (in that sense), never even had a mother/daughter chat. I recently ran as women's officer during student union elctions, and I got asked about his, and I said that if I could have experienced these things I would have. I am a new woman, a fawn of the scapel (god willing), and I suppose I still have long way to go before I am able to achieve my aims.

She is me, and I am her. He is still a ghost in my memory, a shadow that will rmain, for he shaped my youth, and created the template from which I was created. I know that without him, i would not have been. I am glad that I was him for that short space in my life. I know what it is to be male, and now I know some of what it is to be female. I know that if I had been born me, then I would have been a totally different person. I know that to have a female body is my ultimate goal, but I know that at the end of the day i will in no mans land for the rest of my life. I will always answer any question with integrity, and if that means I will be labeled TS, then so be it.

No matter what you may say about transgendered people, do not say that we are foolish or that we are freaks. We are who we are, just as you are who you are. Do you know what the weird thing is though? Transgendered people tend to be the most scathing people when it comes to other trans people. I know I for one am very cynical at times for no apparent reason. I have been a real pain the butt, but come what may i am just being honest. If I don't like something I will be a real pain about it. Isuppose that the more I muture, the more I will learnt hat to keep my thoughts lower key than i have done in the past. To all those I have frustrated in the past, I am sorry, you have meant more to me than you will ever realise.

I am in a tricky position as I write this. you see I normally hate these personal sections on web sites. I find them both self defeating (because most people at some point have had similar experiences), and they tend to ramble (without making much impact on the reader). The best one are those that are short and allow the reader to make their own conclusions. I have delibratley avoided putting a bio on my page because who wants to read about me? Not many people is the easy answer.

My web site is my interpretation of my world, and I suppose it allowes everyone else to see into it. I am blessed with certain things, and cursed with others. I am like a character of my own making. Not many hollywood producers would ever concieve of my life, nor for that matter many transgendered persons lives. I mean, I have played hockey for my uni women's team (which I totally recommend to any women, trans or not, at uni), I have run for both president and women's executive of my SU, and I have begun a journey that will never end. Cei la vie...

As you probably have seen by now I am a bit of a mad cow, but i am also a very solitary person. I came out as rachel in order to be a better person, and to allow myself the freedom of my soul. I hate lying, and to me being him was a lie. being Rachel is the life that is meant to be. I am a dedicated christian, and I am driven by a sense of purpose that my faith has laid down. being Rachel is just one more step along that path. God willing i will live a long and productive life, and I will bring a spark to those who need it.
God bless,
Hugs,
Rachel