Avernus in flames.

Disclaimer: I do not own legacy of Kain. Sue at own risk.

Warning: Reading this may seriously damage your health. It may cause heart failure, back spasms, hearing deficiency, long-term mental damage, short term mental damage, liver failure, kidney disease, tummy ache, blindness, lung failure and a runny nose. I am not responsible for reader’s safety while reading this, if you experience any of these symptoms please contact some one who is not me.

Authoress note: Re playing, the series made me think . . . . Why is Avernus on fire? No one tells us why! Therefore, I kinda invented a reason why . . . . They made me do it.

Set in the time just before Blood Omen

The human forces in Nosgoth are all but gone. So sure are the vampires of their victory that the they are throwing a pre victory bash.

The drinking began early that evening, when they decided to raid every single vampire friendly/owned pub in Nosgoth, once they were in the last pub and had successfully sucked it dry so to speak, Faustus (who has stayed sober for some unknown reason) steered them all towards the doorway, intent on sending them home. They seemed unenthusiastic to return to the mansion but when Vorador announced the presence of more alcohol there, they seemed to move a bit faster.

Location: Vorador’s mansion

Empty bottles roll noiselessly across the carpeted floor, one still stands upright with a little still inside it. On either side of the bottle stand Sebastian and Marcus they have silently agreed to fight for it.

Marcus: come on then . . . hit me

Sebastian: swipes with his claws and misses terribly

Marcus: A SPIDER!! points dramatically

Sebastian: WHERE!!! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!!!!

Marcus: kicks Sebastian while he’s distracted

Sebastian, grumbling at the unfairness of it all, gets to his feet while Marcus holds his arms up in a ‘victory’ pose. Sebastian lifts a large chunk of furniture from the floor.

Sebastian: Marcus look behind you . . . PIE!

Marcus: PIE is hit with big chunk of furniture

This fight continues in the cheating drunken way until both Sebastian and Marcus are lying on the floor in a dazed – more dazed- sense of mind the bottle has been broken.

Meanwhile the others are all lounging on the cushioned floor around the main table, Magnus tried to sit on Vorador’s plush chair but was presently asked to move (meaning Vorador threatened to pour water on him) they are now bantering, pleasant enough until they realize that there is no more booze.

Vorador: have you looked in the secret cupboard

Melchiah: yup

Vorador: but it was a secret

Faustus: you told us about it sixteen times on the way home

Vorador: oh yeah

Faustus: never mind then

Magnus: I will go find more alcohol!

Faustus: I already looked there isn’t any

Magnus: what! Why did you not say anything!

Faustus: you’ll thank me tomorrow when you are sober and suffering a slightly less painful hangover than normal.

Magnus: be that as it may we are drunk now and want to become more drunk

Faustus: but we’ve been to every Vampire owned pub in Nosgoth, there is no more Magnus.

Vorador: then we will have to go to one that’s not vampire owned then wont we

Everyone raises their eyebrows in a rather intrigued manner as Vorador stretches before slumping back into his plush chair.

Vorador: making a ‘Duh’ expression one of the human cities. . . god its like talking to bricks

Everyone blinks a few times

Magnus: good plan

Marcus: how about Avernus

Magnus: good plan

And so the group of Vampires wander at a medium slow, staggering pace towards the Avernus, where they encounter their first problem.

Marcus: um . . . . now what

Marcus: LAKE!!! We can play navy!!

Sebastian: yo ho yo ho a pirates life for me!

Marcus: navy not pirates

Sebastian: har, har young sailor my lad, if I wants to be a pirate then no peg legged son of a bilge rat is going to stop me har, har

Marcus: panicking I have a peg leg frantic search for peg leg

Magnus: leaning over the bank of the lake I can see myself leans over more I look . . . . watery leans over to much OOOOOOUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCHHHHHHHH!!!

Faustus and Vorador: uses super jump ability to land on other side and begins slowly making there way towards Avernus

Sebastian: me hearties bloody show off’s says I har, har

Vorador: I heard that leaping back across the lake and smacking Sebastian upside the head insubordinate whelp

Magnus: badly burnt how is we gonna get inside then

Marcus: timidly Teleport

Vorador: rolls his eyes I knew that (clearly he did not)

After much fussing and a side trip into Dark Eden of which no one will speak a word, the semi drunken vampires arrive at the main gate of the Avernus. Noting the few and feeble guards.

Magnus: drinking game!!! Um when ever some one says . . . thinks

Vorador: cheese

Magnus: when ever some one says cheese eat a human!!

And thus the cheese drinking game was born.

Faustus: I . . . um . . . fancy a CHEESE sandwich the guards are presently devoured

the group now confront an ornate door with the carving of a human.

Sebastian: sniveling its so pretty, me hearties, look at it me blue blazes breaks down in dramatic sobs

Vorador: rolls his eyes

Presently many schemes are born in the frantic search for a way to get past the ornate door ranging from setting it on fire to shouting at it. then without warning a rumble carries out over the ground causing the vamps to fall on there butts. The doors explode outwards and when the dust clears a rather large Mob stands there staring at the vampires.

Mob member 1: um . . . .did some one say there was cheese out here

Vampires: OO

Vorador: why would you form a mob for cheese

Mob member 2356: haven’t you noticed the great cheese shortage of Nosgoth, why nowa days a man would sell his soul for a good lump of cheese.

The disappointed mob slowly dissipates.

Faustus: so this is what Avernus looks like

The group wander into Avernus slowly but are stopped

Sebastian: hey you land lubbers lookie here pulls a leaver next to a box

The box opens to reveal sixty-two small model humans holding banners saying ‘welcome to Avernus’ ‘no daemons here’ and ‘flame retardant city’ the tiny model humans burst into song.

It’s a small world after all It’s a small world after all It’s a small world after all And Avernus is best

Welcome to Avernus No daemons here Welcome to Avernus No heart of darkness here . . . either . . . honest

It’s a small world after all

With that done the vampires look at each other blinking before vowing never to speak of this again and continuing there hunt for booze.

Meanwhile

Umah has remained at the mansion, the picture of perfect innocence. She turns on her TV (don’t ask me what a TV is doing in Nosgoth)

Umah: loving sigh mmmmm passions

When suddenly her show was interrupted

News reporter: we interrupt this program to bring you a special report

Umah: oh no!! not another little cat up a tree!!

News reporter: Avernus has been invaded by five vampires they have left a trail of destruction and disappointment in there wake

An image of the broken singing box is shown and a crying man

Crying man: they said they had cheese!! But they lied!! Why would some one lie about something that important!! It’s sick I tell you, sick!!

News reporter: we have descriptions of the four subjects now.

Umah: don’t be Vorador, don’t be Vorador

News reporter: one dressed in red with long dark hair, another dressed as a pirate and has been heard chanting Har, Har me hearties, one vampire in the guise of a clergy member and another wearing only pants with short hair and many burn scars. The final member is the reputed leader of the vampires.

Umah: Phew, that could be any number of Vampire leaders

News reporter: we have a clear image of the final member of the group as he apparently made drunken faces into our camera

Images of Vorador pulling faces are shown.

Umah: bugger

Meanwhile

Magus: I HAVE FOUND OUR BEER!!!!!

An empty room save from one beer bottle standing alone in the middle of a rope

Magnus: and its all mine

The rope contracts around Magnus’ ankle and comically throws him from side to side around the room then out through the roof. He lands screaming inside the cathedral

Priest: and we just had the roof fixed to

Back in cottage with beer

Vorador: um . . . alright . . . lifts the beer bottle

Faustus: gimme, gimme!!

Vorador: taking a swig oh god face screws up AAAHHHHH it’s awful!!!

Faustus: ???

Marcus: ???

Sebastian: ???

Vorador: Avernus beer is not good!!!

Meanwhile

Magnus: wandering around in the cathedral here booze, booze, booze come to Magnus here boy!!

Lady Azimuth: Vampire fiend!!

Magnus: ahh! Hey lady don’t do that

Lady azimuth: Return to hell monster summons daemons

Magnus: crap . . . . Um IMMOLATE!! runs away

Lady Azimuth: give chase my children do not let him live

Suddenly the city is covered in daemons all looking for poor Magnus. Those who find him are quickly immolated. However, due to Magnus’ drunkenness, he can’t aim for toffee and most of the housing is burnt or set aflame.

Vorador: watches as Magnus hurtles past Hey Magnus . . . . notices daemons Oh great

Sebastian: har, har . . . what

Vorador: points to the many daemons chasing Magnus

Sebastian: Landlubbers they be and no match for my long john Sebastian skillz . . .Vorador? Vorador? he has indeed been abandoned

Magnus: DAEMONS EVERYWHERE!!!!

Vorador: I’m Vorador not a daemon you idiot

Magnus: IMMOLATE!!! house three blocks away ignites IMMOLATE house next door ignites IMMOLATE the gun powder shop ignites IMMOLATE fireworks shop ignites

Vorador: I thought this place was flame retardant

Marcus: more daemons runs

The fleeing vampires are chased into a dead end where they are surrounded by

91 Black daemon

13 lightning daemon

10 giraffe

1 Umah on a bicycle

Vorador: bugger

Umah: what do you think you’re doing!!!!! EXPLAIN YOURSELF!!!!

Vorador: points at fledglings they did it

Umah: stomps over to Vorador GGGRRRRR

Vorador: I can explain . . . . Really, I can . . . . Really

Umah: explain then

Vorador: we came to Avernus . . . . To get some beer

Umah: AAAARRRRRRRRRR chases the fleeing Vorador

Marcus: wanna steal her bike and get out of here

Faustus: yep

Sebastian: you land lubbers have strange ways if travel

Magnus: IMMOLATE three houses the other side of the city ignite

The End

Moral: never take Magnus anywhere flammable.

Kain: that’s why I had to fight hundreds of bloody daemons and dodge flaming wreckage!!!!

Magnus: um . . .yeah my bad

Kain: AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR DIE!!!! chases the fleeing Magnus