*
* Sanctuary of the clans * *
Kain: it's hard to be mad at someone who misses you while you sleep
Ariel: aawww
There's a loud booming sound at the door and Moebius
explodes into the sanctuary.
Kiddies: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH *hide behind Kain*
Kain: *growls threateningly while shielding his kiddies*
Moebius: oh don't be so stupid why would I want your brats . . . I am here
because I realised my mistake and have come to right it. *Opens a portal and
everyone is sucked in*
Alucard and Magnus: *wandering in wondering what all the noise was about* what
the hell . . .
* * Meanwhile * *
D: so are you vampires!
Left hand: they look too stupid to be vampires
Suddenly without any warning!!
???: *Flashing red lights and stuff* WARNING!! WARNING A PORTAL IS
OPENING ABOVE YOU
Kain and the kiddies fall from the sky crushing D
D: ouch
Kain: *muttering evilly about Moebius*
D: um could you please get off?
Kain: oh sorry
36 Serefan suddenly appear surrounding the group. All holding
scary looking swords.
Kain: well its just one thing after another isn't it
D: tell me about it
Kain: well first I had to adopt six kids . . .
D: it was a figure of speech
Kain: sorry
Jen: in case you've forgotten we're surrounded by a huge group of SEREFAN!!
Serefan 1: vampire scum . . . into the cave
The mob of Serefan suddenly dog pile on our group. All
the adult vampires shield the tiny kiddies while the assault goes on. When it
stops which is pretty quickly they realise Vorador has a big sign saying kick
me here over his ass, Janos has pink gum in his hair and Kain's Hair is totally
messed. The group stomp into the cave, as they just can't be bothered anymore.
???: Oh so they got you to
Kain: RAZIEL!!
Soul Reaver Raziel: yeah hi dad you look um . . . good (AN: Kain appears as he
did in Blood Omen two he's still not evolved much)
Little Raziel: OOOOOOoooooooooo blue man *huggels Soul Reaver Raziel*
Soul Reaver Raziel: hey kiddo I haven't seen you in years . . . well
technically . . . *starts rambling about the good old days*
???: Oh don't mention me then
Jen: who
Angel Chan: hey Jen
Jen oh hi . . . um what the hell are you doing here
Angel Chan: stalking Raziel
Jen: oh
Angel: did you find Marcus?
Marcus: *wraps arms around Jen* and so much more
Dumah: Daddy . . . I'm scared *all the kiddies dog pile Kain*
Kain: um . . . don't worry . . . um . . . AIR!!!
Angel Chan: AAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWW *so very sweet*
Janos: um can we leave now its cold here?
D: can you hear that?
* * SUDDENLY * *
Masked hunters appear everywhere
D: how? Where? . . . Who?
Left hand: talkative today aren't we
Masked hunter 1: we have come for Kain
Kain: um . . . no *hides behind Vorador*
Masked hunter 4: you have no choice *twenty or so grab Kain and run away to the
back of the cave with him.
Kain: *confused* what the hell . . . oh its only you
Harem vampiress 1 - 36: HELLO! We missed you so much
*dog pile Kain*
* * Meanwhile * *
Janos: (still has pink gum in his hair) *in the air at the roof of the cave,
which is actually quiet high (A/N: isn't it a cavern then?) With Melchiah on
his shoulders* Can you see him anywhere
Melchiah: nope . . . can I spit over the side
Janos: . . . once
Melchiah: *spits* NOW DIVE *pulls Janos' hair to make him dive*
Jen: *as Janos lands* hee hee
Vorador: I don't see what's funny *trying to remove spit from his back as well
as the sign that is super glued on*
Kiddie Raziel: Mr blue man where did my daddy go *jumps on SR Raz*
SR Raz: *wrapping arms around his younger self* aww
don't worry his captors will soon learn how stupid they really are!! *Hugs tiny
little Raz* your so pretty aren't you *squeezes Tiny Raz*
Jen: *whispering to Angel Chan* Loves himself doesn't he
Angel Chan: *snigger* almost as bad as Vorador!
Vorador: WHAT!!!
* * With Kain * *
Harem vampiress 1: so sweet *hugs Kain who grins*
Kain: wait . . . I'm not sweet . . . sexy yeah, evil yeah but not sweet
Harem vampiress 2: yes you are *running a finger down
Kain's chest making him shiver*
Kain: when have . . . I ever been . . . cute?
Harem vampiress 3: *nipping at Kain's ear* well . . .
you love your kids and spoil them something rotten
Kain: ouch *rubs his ear* and I don't I never give into my children
* * Flash back 1 (chapter one) * *
Kain: What is it with you kids, every five minuets it food, food, food,
Raziel: *puppy eyes* Please daddy Kain
Kain: . . . all right I'll get you some food
* * End flash back * *
Kain: so once
Harem vampiress 6: *undoing the straps on Kain's
shoulder armour* and then there's the time you nearly died.
* * Flash back (chapter five) * *
Kain has been sitting at the window watching and yelling obscenities
Kain: go hit him there yes!!!!! Yes!!! . . .No! NO!
NO! WAIT DON'T YOU HURT MY KID!!! *Smashes the window and dives out*
Kain's good conscience Mortanius: and I didn't even
have to say anything . . . he's improving.
* * End flash back * *
Harem vampiress 9: I mean you could have died there
was 354 Serefan out there!
Harem vampiress 2: aww
don't lie you love your kiddies admit it or do we need more flash backs
Kain: no no more flash backs focus on what's
happening now *leers before nuzzling at the vampiress'*
Harem vampiress 5: *giggles and continues with
naughty things ^_^*
* * Back with the others * *
The group have now started wandering around the cave in search of a way out.
The Kiddies got a bit tired at one point (2 seconds after they started walking)
and demanded to be carried so at the moment, SR Raz is lugging his smaller
cuter self and Turel, while Janos is flying with
Rahab, Dumah and Melchiah and Zephon is sitting on Vorador's shoulders drawing
on Vorador's head.
Jen: I'm tired to . . . *jumps on Marcus* carry me
Marcus: *leers and is slapped* owwy
Jen: rated fic
Marcus: but Kain got the harem
Jen: later . . . later *evil grin*
Angel Chan: stop now WE DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!!
Vorador: *Cries* I wonder if my brides miss me all alone in that mansion
(little does he know the truth ^_^)
SR Raz: *in a kiddie voice* who's the handsomest little kiddie ever
Kiddie Raz: um . . . Melchiah
SR Raz: no! You!
Kiddie Raz: oh . . . ok then *cute grin* did you know that its Xmas tomorrow
Santa's coming!!
SR Raz: hate to break this to you kid but Xmas was a few days ago
Kiddie Raz: *shocked* O_O *cries quietly*
Zephon: hee hee pens are
good *reads the label* per . . . man . . . ent oh . .
. MR
Vorador: what's up kid
Zephon: what does permanent mean
Vorador: O_O . . . please tell me it doesn't say that
on the pen
Zephon: yup
Vorador: *cries more so*
Janos: hold on tight then *does a dive and a back flip accompanied by many
other aerobatics*
Angel Chan: hey be careful!!
Janos: ^_^
Dumah, Rahab and Melchiah: WWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
MORE UNKY JANOS!!!! DIVE AGAIN!
Marcus: oh god how did we end up with this horrid group
Jen: never mind when we get home we'll do something special to celebrate the
fact that this is over okay
Marcus: only if you promise
Jen: ok I promise
Marcus: that makes me feel so much better
Jen: ^_^
* * Kain * *
Kain's being naughty with the harem as you probably guessed but little does he
know future Moebius is hunting him down!!
Kain's good conscience Mortanius: Hey . . . um . . .
Kain look I can see your kind of busy but you really might want to move
Kain: NO!! *Puts a glass over Mortanius*
* * SUDDENLY * *
Future Moebius: NOW YOU WILL ALL DIE
Kain: oh crap *gets dressed* sorry I'll be back I promise
Harem vampiress 36: oh please don't go
Kain: look Moebius is here I have to cause him grievous bodily harm . . .
*try's to think of a better excuse* or he might hurt my kids
Harem vampiress 3: oh all right then but only if you
come back.
Kain: *evil suggestive grin*
* * Back with Moebius * *
Moebius: alright who to kill first
Kain: Moebius!!
Moebius: *goes a bit pail* um . . . actually . . . um . . . .kidnap
the women maw ha ha ha
Kain: NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Moebius: *uses his staff to keep the vampires immobile* ha ha
take away the fruits
Angel Chan: you've got to be kidding *tries to bare fangs but can't move*
Jen: nope we're buggered as well *gets carried away with Angel Chan and the
harem*
Moebius leaves with all the women. The Serefan take guard at all escape points.
* * Later that night * *
Kain's sat alone with the kiddies in a corner of the cavern. All of them are
leaning on him sleeping while he just sits awake thinking of a way out of here
and to rescue the women (we all know why he wants to do that don't we).
Kiddie Raz: daddy is Xmas really gone
Kain: afraid so
Kiddie Raz: *snivels* oh so Santa forgot all about us then . . . were we bad
Kain: *shakes his head slowly* no you weren't bad
Kiddie Raz: then why did he forget?
Kain: *thinking rapidly* because he knew . . . that when we get out of this . .
. I have the best present ever so he knew he didn't need to come, cause I'd
taken care of everything.
Kiddie Raz: really!!
Kain: yup
Kiddie Raz: What is it?
Kain: not telling you till we get out of here (secretly meaning he hasn't got a
bloody clue)
Kiddie Raz: oh . . . I Love you daddy.
Kain: *smiling* (A/n: for the first time ever) go to sleep kid
All the other Guys: *hiding behind a big rock watching*
Janos: lets not tell him we saw that
Vorador: his ego would never recover
Left Hand: *crying* why can't you be more emotional!
D: *shrugs*
* * *
Light: wow that was a tad long sorry about that hope the end wasn't to
sickening for you I just don't feel loved at the moment so I thought like making
little Raz feel loved didn't make me feel better though *snivels* I NEED A
HUG!!!!
Kiddie Raz: um Review please . . . please . . . because I'm small and cute ^_^
Light: virtual hugs appreciated!! And yes I will make
my usual gift of something odd . . . a legacy of Kain microwave. PLEASE REVIEW.
Light:
OVER 100 BABY *dances* OVER 100 YEAH *is extremely happy about this*
* * * * * * *
The group is sitting in a small circle muttering about
stupid things. Kain is trying to think of a way out of the cave but isn't
succeeding all that well meaning he hasn't thought of a bloody thing. D has
busted out and ran away leaving the vampires to fend for themselves.
The kiddies and Janos have taken to playing hide and seek in the cave,
unfortunately for poor Janos he's big and the rocks are small he keeps losing.
Vorador: *yawn* Do you think there watching us
Kain: its not big Brother Vorador
SR Raziel: The Big Brother Cave!! *Funny big brother narrator accent (A/N no
offence meant I just don't know where the guy is from)* day one in the big
brother cave and the contestants are already starting to show the strain. Todays challenge Escape from the cave.
Marcus: do you have to do the accent?
SR Raziel: Big Brother contestant Marcus is showing more stress than the other
contestants by bitching about Big Brother Cave Contestant Raziel already!
Kiddie Raziel: *sitting in Kain's lap* what did I do
Marcus: not you Raziel him *points to SR Raziel*
Suddenly an upside down glass makes its way towards
Kain. Kain's good conscience Mortanius can be seen
trapped inside the glass shouting obscenities at Kain and waving the tiny soul
Reaver.
SR Raziel: *still in the accent* Big Brother Cave Contestant Kain has been
pointlessly cruel in trapping his conscience inside a glass
Vorador: you really should buy him a hamster ball
Kain: *evil grin* heh heh *puts a rock on the glass Mortanius can no longer move, he beings jumping up and down
turning red*
Janos: *sitting down panting for breath having been chasing the kiddies around*
Kain that's just cruel . . . your setting a bad example for the kiddies
Zephon: *holding a really BIG spider* Daddy can I keep it pleasepleaseplease
Kain: *evil grin gets a whole lot eviler* yes we can keep it HERE *puts the
MASSIVE spider in the glass with his good conscience Mortanius*
Kain's good conscience Mortanius: you've got to be
joking *pulls out the tiny soul Reaver* back! Back I say! *Jabs at the spider*
Janos: Kain . . . please come on that's pointlessly cruel
Kain: *lifts the glass* what do you want Mort
Kain's good conscience Mortanius: "(%*%£
&%^& %(££^ $%*"(^£*% *Starts to beat Kain
with a rock five times his height*
SR Raziel: Big Brother Cave's tiniest Contestant Kain's conscience shows
serious stress problems. No doubt from being trapped inside a glass with a
spider. The big brother cave group looks on in aww as
the tiny man beats the vampire lord with a pebble.
Kain's Good Conscience Mortanius: *drops the pebble
and takes deep breaths* there . . . your . . . sorry . . . aren't you
Kain: *rubbing a very small bruise* huh . . . oh sure yeah.
* * * With the girls * * *
Moebius: *looking over the girls he nicked* well, well so many little pretty
things
Harem Vampiress 1: You sick weirdo! Like we'd do
anything to you . . . your old and you tried to hurt
our KAIN!!
Angel Chan: *whispering* aren't they Vorador's Harem
Jen: yup
Angel Chan: then why . . .
Jen: they love Kain . . . Vorador's not happy about that
Angle Chan: I can imagine
* * * Back in the Big Brother Cave * * *
SR Raz: Tension is getting high in the Big Brother Cave, while Contestant
Vorador try's in Vain to escape the big brother cave by bashing his head
against a wall in a hopeless attempt to knock the wall down. It might work in a
few decades lord knows his head is hard enough. Contestants Janos and Marcus
have been captured by the small savage members and forced to play strange mind
bending games, while Contestant Kain sits alone in a corner.
Kain: *thinking* . . . . *Still thinking* . . . AAARRRRGGG
Why can't I think of anything
SR Raz: Big Brother Cave contestant Kain finally snaps and without warning he
suddenly leaps up screaming and proceeds to join Contestant Vorador in bashing
his head against a wall.
Kain: SHUT UP!! *Throws a rock at SR Raziel*
SR Raziel: *dodging the Rock* when the
Kain: *blinks* you need help Raziel *continues bashing his head against the
wall*
Kain's good conscience Mortanius: you really want a
way out
Kain: that *bash* would *bash* be *bash* nice *bash* ow
*rubs his head*
Kain's Good conscience Mortanius: god I have to do
everything *clambers into a tiny hole big enough for him alone*
Kain: *shrugs and sits down rubbing his head*
Dumah: you o.k. daddy
Kain: marvellous *puts his head in his hand and groans loudly, who knew hitting
your head off a wall would hurt this much*
Dumah: poor daddy *hugs Kain*
Kiddies: *see Dumah hugging Kain* DADDY *yup they dog pile the poor guy*
Kain: AIR!!
Kiddies: feel better now
Kain: yes . . . air . . . please . . . AIR
Kiddies: *clamber off* now come and play *drag Kain off to where they were
playing*
SR Raziel: Big Brother Cave Contestant Kain is captured by the smaller band of
savage contestants and forced to participate in strange games.
* * * With Girls* * *
Angel Chan: *looking at her watch* where the hell is he
Jen: who the hell are you on about
Harem Vampiress 1 who is actually called Anika: what are you two on about now
Angel Chan: he's late . . . some bodyguard
Suddenly a small part of the roof falls to the floor and the black clad man
with the cowl covering the lower half of his face drops down.
Fallen Templar: um . . . sorry had a hard time trying to find ways to carry all
my weapons
Angel Chan: well I'll forgive you this time if you get us out of here
Fallen Templar: I don't get paid enough for this job *starts untying all the
girls*
* * * Big Brother Cave * * *
Kain: ack . . . ouch . . . hey watch it . . . god how
much do you weigh
Vorador: it's not just me ya know
Janos: well I don't weigh hardly anything how do you think I fly! So the weight
must be you
Kain: hurry up your crushing me
Marcus: don't look at me I weigh less than Kain's conscience Mortanius
Kain: I find that hard to believe
Marcus: why
Kain: I can carry him without realising but you crush me now HURRY UP
Basically before anyone gets ANY ideas! The kiddies made Kain play with them
and during one of the many dog piles that occurred Kain spotted a small hole at
the top of the cave. So now all the adult vampires have made a human tower
trying to reach the hole and guess who's on the bottom.
Kain: *gasping under the weight of everyone* remind me why you aren't flying
Janos
Janos: your little kiddie Turel pulled out a lot of
my feathers trying to make his own pair of wings I doubt if I could get three
feet off the ground at the moment.
SR Raziel: *still accented* Excitement is building in the big brother cave as
the group work together to escape the cave. Big brother cave contestant Kain is
showing more stress than the others most likely because he is holding the
entire group on his shoulders.
Vorador: and your not helping because!!
SR Raziel: I wanted to watch you suffer . . . *starts climbing the wall* ha
*returns to the accented voice* Big Brother Cave contestant Raziel surpasses
the rest of the group with his brain power as he climbs skilfully up the wall
and . . . ACK
Vorador: KAIN YOU GIT WWWWWWWOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH
Very loud and painful bang as the tower collapses. While Janos, SR Raziel and
Vorador moan Kain sniggers.
SR Raziel: *accented voice* Big Brother cave contestant Kain being the evil
jealous b*****d that he is *moan of pain* decided to smash the tower into
Contestant Raziel to make him fall off the wall . . . OWW
Kain: *still sniggering* serves you . . . *is dog piled*
Zephon: daddy's funny
SR Raziel: Daddy's immature
* * * With the girls * * *
Fallen Templar: *sneaking the harem, Jen and Angel out of the strong hold* where
are the bad guys and I bought this sword specially for this
Suddenly without warning (I say that way to much don't I) a whole group of
Serefan appear from all sorts of tiny holes.
Fallen Templar: about bloody time *jumps into the frenzy*
Serefan Horde: *sounds of pain and agony, along with squishy sounds of things
popping and horrible snaps as bones break*
Angle: some how I'm glad I hired him
Fallen Templar: *from inside the frenzy* so you should be
Jen: can he handle all of them?
Serefan Horde: *horrible screams, sounds of nasty things happening along with Fallen's Manic laughter*
Angel: ha can they handle him is what you should be asking *winces* ouch Remind
me to buy him a new gun I doubt he'll want to use that one again
Fallen: Thank you
Anika: I fear this person . . . ouch, I had no idea
you could snap someone's spine over your knee
Jen: you can use a sword that way?!? . . . wow I felt
that!
The horde is now laying around in bits and pieces while Fallen looks reasonably
happy as he sittings in the middle of the massacre
cleaning his weaponry.
Fallen: *humming*
Angle: can we leave I think half the harem lost their stomach from that
Harem vampiress' 2 - 36: OUR HERO *dog pile Fallen*
Fallen: ACK! Air!!
Angle: oh great just perfect now we'll be here forever
Kain's good conscience Mortanius:*stabs Jen's foot*
hello
Jen: OUCH!! oh hey little guy
Kain's good conscience Mortanius: hi look the guys
are still trapped I need your bodyguard to come and bust them out
Fallen: later . . . busy now . . . so your name is what
Kain's good conscience Mortanius: oh no you don't!!
*waves tiny soul Reaver*
Angel: no the way to get through to fallen is always through his weaponry
*holds up a huge box saying box O weapons* oh fallen
Fallen: *muttering* black mail
* * * Big Brother Cave * * *
Kain is now sulking cause he can't think of a way out of the cave. Janos and
Vorador are sitting with him in silence while SR Raziel tries to climb back up
the wall.
Melchiah: daddy I'm hungry
Kain: *sulking* oh craptacular
Melchiah: craptacular
Janos: Kain you shouldn't swear around kids they pick that stuff up easily
Kain: *still sulking* you think I give a shit
Melchiah: shit!
Janos: *red eyes, fangs, claws and a very evil glare* KAIN!!
Kain: O_O *stops sulking* Come on Mel lets go find
something to eat *runs away with his kid*
Vorador: O_O wow Janos that was weird
Janos: well he should have listened
Vorador: remind me never to piss you off
Kiddie Raziel: piss
Janos: *evil glare, claws, fangs, red eyes etc*
Vorador: *runs*
Suddenly without warning (I said it again didn't I AARRR)
the Serefan guarding the cave suddenly fly into the cave in little bits and on
fire.
Fallen: I love my flame thrower ^_^
Angel: RAZIEL!! *glomps SR Raziel who falls off the
wall*
Jen: MARCUS *glomps Marcus who glomps
back*
Vorador: *seeing his harem, waiting for them to glomp
him* ladies miss me
Harem: KAIN!!! *dog pile Kain*
Kain: ^_^
Vorador: *snivels* I have to buy a new harem when I get home
Kiddies: *seeing the harem dog pile there dad* YAY!
*dog pile the harem and Kain*
Harem: AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW *huggle
kiddies*
Kain: *cough* if you don't mind *is huggled by Harem*
Moebius: actually I DO mind!!
Angel: fallen if you would
Fallen: my pleasure . . . oh Moebius
Moebius: oh god not you *runs quiet fast considering how old he must be*
Angel: Kain
Kain: *from under the harem and his kiddies* yeah
Angel: can you teleport us home
Kain: *annoyed that he didn't think of this to start with* fine
Jen and Marcus are now teleported back to Marcus' place where they can do many
naughty things hee, hee.
Angel and SR Raziel are teleported back into the Soul Reaver 2 timeline. Janos
and Vorador are both teleported home, where Janos collapses out of sheer
exaction and Vorador phone 'harems are us' to order a new harem. Kain, Kiddies
and Vorador's harem are teleported to the sanctuary of the clans.
* * * later that day * * *
Its early afternoon, in vampire terms its pretty late and all good little
vampires should have been in bed long ago! But as you probably guessed Kain is
the only tired one.
Kain: *almost crawling into his room* uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh
tired *collapses*
Suddenly without any warning although Kain held his breath in anticipation
(parental intuition) he was suddenly dog piled as six tiny bodies crawled
around his bed trying to get comfortable.
Kain: and what may I ask is wrong with your beds
Rahab: the monster is back
Kain: oh
Hash'ak'gik: *from kiddies room* ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Dumah: and your beds more comfy . . . Daddy
Kain: *hits Dumah with a random pillow* shaddup
Dumah: but daddy Raziel said you had a really cool present for us cause Santa
missed us.
Kain: *half asleep* yeah . . . Santa didn't forget I told him not to bother as I
had a better gift than he did
Turel: what
Kain: um . . . *thinking rapidly* . . . a theme park I'm taking you all to a
theme park.
Kiddies: *suddenly excited* yay *start jumping around
and stuff*
Kain: *groans*
* * * three hours later * * *
Kain: for the love of god please go to sleep
Rahab: but I thought you were the god
Kain: I am anything you want just please go to sleep
Raziel: be a peanut
Kain: huh? *drags kiddies into the harem* your women make them sleep!
Anika: aww is big bad Kain
being mean to you!
Melchiah: nope he's taking us to a theme park
Anika: oh yeah? Kain is this true
Kain: ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Anika: wow tired