...I just cannot keep love off of my mind, and am beginning to believe that that portion of my life needs be fulfilled before this task-filled education of mine. It seems everyday that yet another hapless male wanders into my daydreams, and if not a new one, an old interest with whom my heart will never lose affection. Their names, do they matter? They all represent to me the same thing, the same something which I can never have. They are intimidating untouchables, which are destined to ceaselessly torture my patience, my virtue, to torment my thoughts, and corrupt my mission. His name? 'Does it matter?' I say, and yet it does, for me. But what is in a name, afterall? Nothing that means a damn anything for someone, or should at least. Stature, belief, affection, yet he did not choose it. Shall I afford this name? I know not, I am at strife with my being. A silly woman, for if that is all I am, then what is my point, and what my destiny? But no, I refuse to submit his essense to but a single utterance, bestowed upon him by spirits unknowing in his ultimate affair. Let him be unnamed in this world of category, for I will not throw him but to a cruel fate. For he is the beloved, he is the student, he the teacher, the thinker, the fool, and the hero. He is eternal.
...Sleep did not come easily, and I know not why. Though, when it did come, it was lovely as a dream, and I awoke of my own accord, with dew-filled eyes, and dream-filled heart, refreshed anew. What a vision, to be sweetly stirred to daylight by a gentle carressing breeze on ones cheek, like the soft touch of a doting lover. If everday to waken by such means, one would think the world a happier place, and much improved for it. A fear has of late grasped my heart, clutching so adamantly that it asphyxiates my spirit, and renders meek the once, much revered, tigress like soul. Oh, to be that tiger once again, fierce and proud.
...I have been lavishing selflessly adoring descriptions upon individuals, and I fear at all times that I am either doing them disservice, or possibly bragging their status to an unfair height. Can they live up to my affectionate pedistalizations, or will they fall tragically short. And does it all matter in the end. That question, I hate it more than everything which compromises me. It speaks to me of relativity, which I fear is a mistake which humans endlessly make. Alas, though everything cannot matter to everything else, lest everything hold the same position in everyone's eyes. In which case, nothing would be favoured, and is that the ultimate or chosen fate of the cosmos? Unjudgemental beings that favour nothing. Would we not be rendered numb, devoid of things which please us? For to please us, they must undoubtedly please us more than other things. And is that a mistake? |
