I have been through so many horrible times in my life. There have been times where I have felt so lonely that I didn’t think I had any reason to live. When I used to feel like that, I discovered a quick fix. Having sex with multiple anonymous partners made me feel like I was wanted. I realize now that it was a false feeling. And I think that’s why I have no problem with being alone while I wait for Gya to come back to me. I no longer need my ridiculous quick fix to feel good about myself.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t still feel lonely. I miss the love of my life. My greatest wish is to go back into the past and change what I did to her so that she would still be in my arms when I wake up in the morning. I tried killing myself a few days ago, but a song on the radio stopped me from slitting my wrist.

I’ve begun to immerse myself in my music as a way of dealing with my pain. I did the same thing when I was a child, before I discovered females. And now I have rediscovered the healing power of music. I play the boards and my guitar and my harmonica at least 6 hours a day. In the past week, I’ve written 6 songs total and about 20 parts of separate songs. I used to write 6 songs and about 10 parts of separate songs a month. It makes me feel good to know that I’m accomplishing my goal of music and that I’m expressing my feelings in a positive way that will eventually help other people deal with their problems.

I was working on a song in my room, playing my guitar and singing when I looked up to see Zac sitting at my desk. I stopped playing and set the guitar down. “What?” I asked, upset that I had been disturbed.

“I just thought you’d like to know that Gya is coming down Friday for a visit.” I frowned. He was not telling me this. She couldn’t, it was too soon.

“Why don’t you go up and see her?”

“’Cause it’s her turn to come down and Avie and Ike both want to see her too.”

“And it doesn’t bother her that I’ll be here?”

“See, the thing is she’s got a new boyfriend now so she doesn’t care.”

“Already?! Christ! I can barely make myself get out of bed in the morning and she’s already got a new guy?! Who is he?!” I hadn’t meant to yell at Zac. It wasn’t his fault that this had happened. He was just the messenger.

He looked down at his hands and remained quiet for a few moments and I knew it was bad, “Kyle.” He choked out. That was all I could handle. I grabbed the phone and dialed.

“Hello?” her voice was shakey, as if she’d been crying.

“He made you cry, didn’t he?” I would kill him.

“Leave me alone, Taylor.” The dial tone made me even angrier. She could ignore me all she wanted but I was not going to let him hurt her. I handed the phone to Zac.

“Call her and ask why she’s crying.”

“I don’t need to. I already know.”

“Why?”

“Because… Kyle told her if she ever left him again, he’d kill her and…”

My hands were in such tight fists that my knuckles were white and my fingers hurt, “And what? What else did he do?”

“He…” Zac bit his lip.

“He hit her again, didn’t he?” Zac’s head nodded and he shrank back, seeming as though he thought I would hit him even though I had no intention of doing so. It was Kyle I was going to beat unrecognizable. “How long is she staying here?”

“She’ll be here a week.”

“Then I’m going up there tomorrow morning.”

“What are you going to do? She won’t be home. Her flight is at 9 in the morning.”

“I’m not going there to see her. I’m going there to beat the living hell out of her asshole of a boyfriend.”

“Gya’s going to be pissed.” A smile had crept across his face and I knew he wished he could go with me, but he had to be here when Gya got here.

“So? She already hates me beyond reconciliation.”

“That’s what you think…” He muttered the comment so softly I almost didn’t hear him.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not supposed to tell you.”

“Zac, I know we have fought in the past and I know you and Gya are best friends, but I love her and my new goal in life is to get her back. Anything you can tell me that might help me reach that goal would be greatly appreciated.”

“Fine, I’ll tell you. She called me earlier and told me everything about Kyle. That’s why she’s coming. While we were talking, she told me.. She said she wishes she was still with you.”

“Then, why did she hang up on me?”

“She’s afraid of Kyle and that you’ll cheat on her again.”

“Great.” I left the room and went to make the arrangements for my flight to Chicago.


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