I have dreams about her and what our lives would be like it we were still together. Dreams that quickly turn into nightmares that I wake up from screaming at four in the morning and can’t seem to get back to sleep from afterwards. I haven’t seen her since that day in the park. Zac goes up to see her mostly now-a-days.

Avery’s been talking to me a lot lately. She used to tell Gya all her problems, but I guess Gya hasn’t been calling here much. So, I’ve become my little sister’s confidant. Sometimes she tells me things I don’t know how to answer, mainly because it’s girl stuff. I guess that makes sense, right? Sense I’m a guy and all... I guess...


The phone rang, breaking me out of my concentration and causing me to drop my pen. I picked the phone up off the coffee table and turned it on, “Hello?”

“Um.. Is Zac there?” It was Gya. I froze, not knowing what to do. I looked around the room, almost thinking Zac was still watching television.

“Uh.. yeah.. I mean no. He’s out with Ryan.”

“Oh, can you just tell him I called?”

“Sure, I’ll be sure to do that as soon as he gets home...”

“Thanks..”

“Hey Gya? Before you go, I just want you to know how sorry I am for what I did to you. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t regret it...”

“I uh.. I gotta go.” I heard the click then the dial tone. There was a pang of sadness in my heart as I set the phone back down and returned to my aimless writing.


I heard once that you should memorize your favorite poem. I think Oprah said that once when I was watching with Gya. But what if your favorite poem is too painful to look at, let alone memorize? My favorite poem is one that Gya wrote a long time ago. But the thing is I already have it memorized. I can write it down, word-for-word, right now.


I don’t know if it’s possible
or even that probable
to have fallen in love with someone
whom at the beginning I hated.


But it happened
and now I sit back and watch
as he amazes me daily.


I told you. The funny thing is, she doesn’t even know I read it, let alone that I memorized it. But how could I not have? It was the first time I had ever heard her vocally admit her love to me. It had been the highlight of my day, my week, my month.

The irony of it all is that a month later, Cleo came along. I had gone a year loving her blindly, having no idea whether or not she loved me back and almost as soon as I find out, I screw myself over. But I guess that’s how life is, huh?

Zac’s been really mad at me lately. He says I don’t practice enough. I’ve only touched the boards once since we broke up. How can I possibly find it in myself to practice when the only song my fingers ever seem to want to play is a song too painful for me to even think about? It’s hard enough to hear it running through my brain every few minutes without having to play it for practice or for an audience that could never understand the capacity that those simple words hold for me. I want to forget about it, about her, and get on with my life.

But the thing is, Gya. I can’t. I can’t get over everything about you. I can’t forget you and all your wonderful ideals and principals and talents. I need you.

This isn’t a plea of forgiveness.. I don’t really know what this is, actually. I guess I’m just trying to validate my thoughts and relay them to you in hopes that you can maybe understand what I’m feeling. I know I hurt you terribly and I will fight every day of my life to make that pain go away. And even if it never does, I will at least know that I tried to reconcile my wrongdoing. Even if you never forgive me for what I did to you. If I never get to be with you or even converse with you again, always know I love you and I’m thinking about you.
Love Always,
Taylor


I read it over and smiled, proud of my writing. If it didn’t let her know how I felt, it at least let me know.

Isaac sat next to me, reading over my shoulder. I was surprised that he was next to me. I had thought that I was the only person home. “Hey,” he said softly. He had been talking to me as if I were a four-year-old that needed everything explained twice in order to understand it.

“When did you get home?”

“A while ago. What’s that?” He pointed to the letter in my hands.

“Just a letter to Gya.” I answered, slipping the four pages I had written into an envelope and carefully addressing it to her.

“You ever gonna give up on that?”

“Nope.” I stood and went to mail the letter at the corner drop box. Isaac somewhat followed me. Just as I slipped it through the slot, he surprised me.

“I’m setting you up on a date.” He said it with such determination that I knew he would no matter how much I resisted.

“Why?” I asked, nonchalantly, beginning to walk back towards the house.

“You need to get over Gya. That’s why. I know of this really sweet girl. She’s gorgeous, smart...”

“I’m not interested. If I wanted a date, I think I’d be much better equipped at finding myself one than you would be.”

“Well, you haven’t been doing much dating lately..”

“If this is some sad attempt at rectifying what you did to me by telling Gya about Cleo, it’s a feudal attempt because unless this date is with Gya herself, it’s not going to do a damned thing.”

“It isn’t. I don’t care if you’re mad at me. I’m sick of you moping around the house so much.”

“Let me mope. I’m happy like this.”

“No, you aren’t. Just go out with this girl. Her name is Aubry. I think you’ll like her...”

“Fine, but it’s just one date.”

“Sure.” I didn’t trust his tone, but I left it and went back into the den to watch some television.


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