�My Mother�
By Liesel Solo
Chapter 5
She was floating in darkness, but she was not afraid. This darkness was a safe darkness, a darkness that protected her from the outside world. She knew that there had to be another world outside of her safe dark world, for she sometimes heard sounds and voices coming from outside the darkness, but she was confident that the sounds would never find her, for her dark world was completely secure.
She was not alone in the darkness either, no, there was someone else with her, someone else who was protected by the darkness. She had no name or other descriptive word for the other being with her, but she felt a bond with it. The other being often touched her with a softness that brought their souls together.
This little dark world with the other being was her complete world. Though she knew there was another world in existence, she had no desire to visit it. The dark world was her home, her life, her eternity, her entire universe. Nothing in it would ever change.
But suddenly and without warning, something did change. Something pushed against her with a mighty force, throwing her against the soft barriers of the dark world. The push abated for a moment, and then a second forceful push thrust her against the barrier, this one even more powerful than the first. She felt something that she had never felt before, fear. The dark world that had always been her sanctuary didn�t want her anymore.
As the pushing continued, she felt around for the other being, but to no avail. The other being had already been claimed by the outside world, had already left the darkness forever. Now she was alone, alone for the first time in her existence, and now she too was about to leave the darkness.
Coldness surrounded her, making her even more uncomfortable. Her world was rapidly disappearing, and so was the warmth and security that went with it. Suddenly, a group of hard, solid pieces of coldness pressed against her body, making her cry out as they lifted her out of the darkness.
Seeing light for the first time made her cry out even harder. Light hurt her eyes and made them squint, making her yearn for the darkness. Why was she here? Why couldn�t she go back to her safe world? She didn�t want to be here with the bright light and the uncomfortable pieces of cold holding her.
But then, the pieces of cold let her go and handed her to pieces of warmth. The warm, soft things that now held her were at least comfortable. They reminded her of the soft barriers that had protected her in her dark world. She stopped crying, feeling a bit secure again.
Her eyes blinked a few times, adjusting to the light, and then she saw something that took her interest. A soft, inviting pair of eyes stared at her with a loving but pained expression. Automatically she was at peace - she immediately felt a bond with these eyes, a bond that was similar to what she had felt with the other being in her dark world, but this bond felt even deeper and stronger. The face the eyes belonged to invited her, comforted her, stimulated her senses. Since she had no words right now, it would not be until later when she would connect the face with words like �beautiful,� �kind,� and �sad,� but in truth, those words were not sufficient to describe how she felt about the face right now.
The face then spoke, in a voice that she had often heard inside the darkness, a voice that had comforted her even when her entire world was secure.
�Leia...�
Leia. She did not know what it meant, but she liked how it sounded.
�Leia...�
She was being moved away from the face. No! No, she wanted to stay...she wanted to learn more about the face...
�Leia...�
Don�t take her away...don�t take her away...she was never going to see the face again...
�Leia...Leia...Leia...�
Leia woke up. She breathed deeply a few times before opening her eyes, hoping that perhaps this time she would actually remember the details of that face. For as long as she could remember, she had been having that same dream - the dream that carried the only �memories� of her real mother. She didn�t know how much of it was actual memories and how much of it was pure dream, but the moment when she first saw her mother�s face always came to her so fiercely and vividly that she was convinced that it had to be a real memory. True, when she awoke she had forgotten the physical details of the face, but she never forgot the feelings. The intense feelings always stayed with her in her waking hours, guiding Leia to believe that her mother was beautiful, kind, but sad. That was what she felt; that was what the dream always told her.
At this moment she concentrated on recalling the physical details of her mother�s face, but once again, they had escaped her when she woke up. Finally she gave up on her cause and opened her eyes. For a moment she was surprised to find that she was sitting in a chair next to her bed instead of lying in it, but then she remembered the mystery woman.
The bedroom lights were still on, but the dark of night showed through the windows. Leia blinked to adjust her eyes to the light. When did she fall asleep, anyway? It must have been soon after her argument with Han, which was strange, since she hadn�t been the least bit tired after that. And how long had she been sleeping? How far into the night was it?
�Ani...Ani...�
The sound of the woman talking in her sleep distracted Leia from her ponderings. She rose from the chair and looked over at the woman, who was now throwing her head around the pillow, as though she was in a nightmare.
�Ani...� she kept repeating. �Ani...Ani...�
�Who�s Ani?� Leia found herself asking before she knew what she was doing.
�Ani...Ani...� the woman still repeated.
Now Leia�s hand was reaching out and touching the woman�s cheek without her brain consciously telling her hand to do so. �Who�s Ani?� she repeated in as calm a voice as she could muster.
Finally the woman�s eyes snapped open. �Ani!� she yelled.
Leia stroked her cheek. �It�s all right, it�s all right. It was just a dream.�
The woman breathed deeply. �No...no...it�s not all right,� she said in a fully-aware voice.
�What do you mean?� asked Leia. �Who�s Ani?� The last question had come out unintentionally, as if she was really curious to know who Ani was.
�Ani�s my husband,� the woman replied with a long sigh. �At least, he was my husband.�
�What happened to him? Did he die?� Leia wasn�t meaning to ask all these questions to a sick woman, but they seemed to be coming out without her thinking of them.
�Something...something terrible happened to him,� the woman said in a voice that sounded like it was choking back a sob. �But...I don�t want to talk about it.�
Leia patted the woman�s cheek. �That�s all right, I understand.� She then thought it would be best to distract her a little. �How�s your sight?�
The woman blinked a few times. �Better,� she said. �I can see shapes...blurry shapes, but shapes nonetheless.� Her eyes then focused as best they could on Leia. �By the way, you never told me. Who are you?�
Leia felt like an idiot to have not told the woman her name, but at the same time, she was also thrilled to be having her first real conversation with this woman. �I�m Leia,� she said. �Leia Organa Solo.�
There appeared to be the tiniest hint of a smile in the woman�s lips. �Leia...� she repeated. �I like that name. In fact, I have a daughter named...� A sharp gasp from her lips interrupted her sentence, as though an important memory was suddenly returning to her. �My...my children!� she exclaimed. �My children! Where are they?�
�Your children?� Leia repeated in an uneasy voice.
�My little twins,� the woman said between gasping breaths. �They were born right before...right before...� She was unable to finish her sentence, for the gasping breaths seemed to be overtaking her voice.
�Calm down,� Leia instructed.
�Where are they?� the woman exclaimed again.
�Listen, I don�t know your children,� Leia said. �I have no idea where they are.�
The woman seemed not to hear her. �I had them...I had them right with me. My son and daughter...�
Leia tried to speak calmly. �They�re probably all right,� she said, although she of course had no way of telling whether they were all right or not.
The woman remained in her hysterical state. �My son...he was born first...I barely saw him, but I know he was there...I named him...my little Luke...�
Leia gasped loudly. �Luke?� she shouted. Her eyes bulged, her muscles tensed up, and her breath tightened. �Did you just say Luke?�
�And my daughter...� the woman continued. �...I saw her clearly...she looked at me...my Leia...Leia, that�s her name...just like yours...�
Leia�s stomach turned upside-down, her arms started tingling, her every nerve was stimulated. Her breathing shook up much like the woman�s breath was shaking. It seemed as though she had jumped into cold water after spending time in the hot sun - her entire body was put into shock.
�It�s all right...� she managed to say in a dazed voice. �Get...get some sleep. Y-you�ll feel better tomorrow. And... and I�m sure we�ll be able to find your children...I�m certain.�
The woman took a deep breath. �I�m...I�m sorry...� she said softly.
Leia found that she couldn�t say anything more. She unconsciously started walking towards the door, still in a state of complete shock.
�By the way,� the woman called after her. �my name�s Padme. Padme Amidala.�
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Leia wanted to scream. As soon as she was safely out of the bedroom she wanted to empty her lungs until she had no voice left. But it turned out that she already had no voice left. Her chest was too tight to produce a scream, in fact, it seemed that it was so tight she could barely exhale. She walked on with no destination, no sense of where she was going. She was barely aware of her surroundings, barely aware of anything going on inside her head, barely aware of anything except shock. Hard, cold shock. She was feeling no fear, no joy, no excitement, just shock.
She entered the living room, where Han was snoring on the sofa. Han! She could wake him up and tell him everything - she would have someone to whom she could pour herself out. And he...he wouldn�t believe her. He would think she had gone crazy and more than anything he would be annoyed that she had disturbed his beauty sleep. No...no, she couldn�t tell him now - she wanted to so much, but she couldn�t. If she wanted him to believe her, she would have to tell him at a time that didn�t require waking him up in the middle of the night.
But there was someone else. Someone else who would understand, someone else who wouldn�t mind being woken up in the middle of the night, for this story would be as relevant to him as it was to her. Yes...yes...she would have to tell him...
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�Hello?� Luke�s hologram answered in a sleepy voice, dressed in his bathrobe.
�Luke...hi...� Leia stammered. �Uh...how are you?�
�Leia?� Luke asked. �Are you all right? You look like you�ve seen a ghost.�
�Luke...� Leia said again, breathing deeply. �Luke...� She was struggling to get words out. �Luke...I need you to...to come visit us tomorrow morning.�
�Tomorrow?� Luke said with a yawn. �Is something wrong?�
�No,� Leia almost shouted. �No...nothing is wrong, it�s just that...Luke, I...there�s...there�s someone I want you to meet.� It was no use. She couldn�t bring herself to tell the whole story right now.
Luke�s hologram sighed. �All right, I�ll be over after breakfast tomorrow. But Leia, are you sure you�re okay?�
�I�m fine, Luke,� Leia said quickly. �Go back to bed, I�ll see you tomorrow.�
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Han was still asleep when Leia returned to the living room, but his snoring had quieted down. Leia looked at her husband with envy. There was no way she would be getting back to sleep tonight. She was again tempted to wake him up. At least his complaining about being disturbed would distract her for a bit - it might help to calm down her jumping nerves. Yes...she would shake him awake whether he liked it or not. But her hands wouldn�t move. Maybe it was because he looked too peaceful to be awakened. Maybe it was because she had a conscience. Or maybe it was because she knew he would demand an explanation, and she wasn�t prepared to give one.
Now her feet seemed to be moving on their own, carrying her towards the bedroom. The bedroom, where the woman - Padme - was. No...no...she didn�t want to go there, she wanted to be as far away from her as possible...no...but her feet kept walking.
In the bedroom, Padme was sleeping again, this time appearing peaceful and content, as though she knew where her children were, as though she knew that her daughter was close by. Leia could only stare at her. Now she understood the reason why she had felt so close to this woman, she understood why she had felt the urge to take her home, she understood it all. She just couldn�t believe what was happening. After twenty-three years of wondering, suddenly the answer was in front of her.
�Padme Amidala...� she whispered. �My mother...�
Gorgeous illustration drawn by Reckless Corellian
I still have yet to HTML the rest of the story, so for now you can read the rest of it at fanfiction.net here
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