| On the way he made a quiet call from the back of the cab. His anxious eyes flickering with the lights as they passed outside the window in the dark. His nerves were raw. He saw the look of recognition in the cab drivers eyes, but the intensity in his own prevented the man from voicing such. Zac was glad of it. Tonight, the last thing he needed was inane conversation. He wanted some time to think. Not that he'd not had plenty of that already. It had been the longest three months of his life! He missed her so badly that it was no mere ache or gapeing hole. No, he was missing a part of himself. He was a hollow shell filled only with pain and remorse. And it showed when he preformed. Each song showcased his relentless torture, but presented itself with an empty ringing echo. Without her, he just wasn't the same man. The cab pulled up to the curb with a short stop. A deep breath did nothing to brace him. He took the familiar route, the long hall seemingly endless in it's foreboding. He knocked softly, head hung as he chewed a nail. If someone had whispered 'boo' just then he would have jumped out of his skin. His fingers flexed, gripping the large manilla envelope unconciously tighter. He knocked again, louder. Perhaps she was in back- in the studio- and couldn't hear the door. From within he heard subtle strains of Louis Armstrong. A sure sign she was there. A brief fear flashed within him. What if she just didn't want to see him and refused to answer the door? What if she'd changed her mind? His heart leapt when he heard the lock turn. Suddenly he felt too large for his own body. He wanted to shrink away to nothing. What if she didn't take him back? He couldn't think of a future without her. He felt he'd die without her. The door swung away. The dark appartment lay bathed in dulcet song behind a small figure. He looked down into the green seas that were her eyes. He was drowning all over again. He wanted to hold her, kiss her, show her how much he needed her. How very sorry he was. She only stepped aside to let him come in. With the greatest restraint, he entered the room, but didn't touch her. There was a pain in his throat, a lump he cold not swallow. He watched in silence as she shut the door, locking it. She looked so small and fragile. It brought a slight smile to him knowing how decieving that perception was. He'd never known a woman stronger then she. It was one of the reasons why he loved her. It made her that much more beautiful. It made her radiant. Clothed in an old flannel shirt and baggy bell bottom jeans, streaks of paint playing in her hair and laying across the bridge of her nose... she was still the most beautiful thing he'd ever laid eyes on. But what attracted him, was the honesty and fortitude held in her eyes. There was a kind of ancient pride there, something that gave a spark to her, and bruned within his soul with the love he held for her. She walked past him down the hall, leading the way. He so much wanted to walk beside her, watch her face, breathe her in. But he knew he wasn't worthy of that yet. They passed the small kitchen. A fragrance of tea hung in the air and he saw a small sign of hope. A familiar pink and aqua box lay on the counter, open, the billowy white tissue paper spilling out and frameing the treasure that lay within. Even in the dim light he could make out the kaleidoscope of pink and purple that had served as a tether between the two lovers before. His smile grew a fraction more. They entered the studio, the lights bright without being harsh, his eyes adjusted quickly. He drank in the familiar room, remembering all they had shared there, the good and the bad. It seemed a lifetime ago to him now. She took up the remote and lowered the volume to the melodious songs floating from the large speakers, then turned to face him. For the first time she looked into his eyes directly. A stab of pain pierced his heart when he saw the hurt and sadness she held inside. He wished he could wash it away from her soul, but he knew he was responsible for some of it and there was no quick fix. She sat astride the arm of a large black velvet chair peppered with burgundy roses. It gave him the impression of her sitting in a field of flowers. Shakeing his head a little he freed himself of the fantasies that his mind was threatening to run off with. It seemed he'd been doing that an awful lot lately. He focused his attention back on the reality before him. Ready to accept whatever verdict she handed down to him, even if it killed his soul. He wanted nothing more then for her to be happy. Even if that meant not being a part of each others lives anymore. He'd respect her wishes. No matter what. She gestured to the familiar chair beside the door and he sat. They were face to face, and even though the music was playing softly, it seemed too quiet to him. He cleared his throat, readying himself to launch into the rehearsed speech he'd been fretting and stewing over in his mind again and again. She surprized him and spoke first. "You look tired. Have you been getting any rest?" Her eyes caressed him and he could almost swear he could feel her tender touch of hand on his face. He realized it was just a ghost of a memory. But it touched his heart to know that she still cared. Even after all the animosity she must hold toward him, and rightly so. He couldn't answer, the lump in his throat sticking again. He felt the pin pricks of tears and forced a swallow as he only shrugged as a response. "Well you should take better care of yourself." She admonished lightly. He wanted to tell her that without her love, life wasn't worth living, why bother to try? But he still couldn't say anything. He mentally kicked himself. "I wanted to thank you..." Her voice soft and unsteady. "For the roses and violets I mean..." She continued on bravely, the whisper of tears traceing her voice now. He could do no more then nod. Inside he was dieing, he wiped his acheing eyes. A sudden burst of emotions propelled him from the chair and he knelt at her feet. "Moirah! I love you!" He blurted, no longer capable of holding back his pain he tossed the envelope and grasped at her hands, pressing them to his chest as he looked up at her, his eyes imploring forgiveness. "I didn't mean to hurt you! I only wanted to protect you, I know now that I went about it the wrong way, and I'm so sorry! I can't take it anymore... I need you!" He confessed, hot tears gathering to cling to his long lashes. Her lip quivered and a tear rolled down her cheek. "You hurt me Zac, more then I ever thought anyone ever could." She sniffled, takeing back a hand to grind her fingers against the flowing of her tears angrily. "All those nights of conversations and confessions. All the promises and plans we made together. You wasted it. Wasted it all! Threw it away with your damned pride. That was one broken promise that my heart just couldn't take. I can't stand to be controlled like that, you knew that and yet you still went ahead and pulled that stupid stunt!" There was an ache in her voice that made him cringe. It was the salt in his wound. "Why? Why did you do that to me Zac? I thought you understood me. I thought you loved me enough to trust me. I can't live with lies Zac. I can't. You know that. How can I ever trust you again?" She begged for an answer. He gave her the only one he could think of. He kissed her. Hard and fast. Hot and filled with anxious months of pain. She pushed him away roughly. He stood back with chest heaving and the back of his hand to this swollen mouth as he stood in disbelief. "No! That isn't going to fix this! Don't you understand how you made me feel?!" She snapped. He saw the fire in her eyes and became afraid he may have made things worse, possibly irreparable. She shoved him out of the way and tore across the room. He followed and reached for her but she yanked her arm away as she ripped open the envelope he'd brought with him. He watched her face, mouth set tight, eyes dark. But there was a tremble to her tiny hands, it told of how angered she really was. Now he was scared he'd lost her for good. Fot the first time she saw all of the pictures. No portions or hints like before. It was quiet except for a dirty bluesy riff dripping from the speakers as she flipped through them. He watched helplessly as the tears welled in her beautiful eyes. Her whisper was so soft, he almost didn't hear her words. "I... don't know what to say..." He moved up behind her, his arms held out to encircle her in a hold of comfort. Quickly she spun on her heel and made him jump back, startled. There was an explosion of pain and anger behind her eyes as she looked up to him. "Why did you bring these here? Did you think I'd break down crying and thank you for shielding me?! Or were you ashamed of me? Am I just your whore now that you have to keep out of the press?! Some whore, I don't even get a propper fucking! But you wouldn't know it from these photos would you?!" She bit sarcasticly. "Is that what you were afraid of people finding out? That you're just a horny kid and can't stand up to your convictions? Did you start believing all that sanctimonious crap about straight laced religion your publicist spouts off? I thought you were more of a man than that Zachary! I thought you were smarter than that! What? Did you think it didn't count if you didn't actually bed me? Well I've got news for you, sex is sex. You don't have to have intercourse to name it sex. Or were you in denial?!" Her temper raged, she looked like she wanted nothing more then to cold cock him. "Do you have any idea how you've made me feel? Am I just a dirty little secret Zac or do you love me like you claim?!" She demanded. He was stunned. Dumbfounded as to how stupid he'd been. All this time away from her and he still hadn't gotten it until just at that moment. Ashamed of his actions he sat heavily on the chair he'd started out in. He hung his head. He didn't deserve her. She was a woman worthy of so much more then he had given her. His chest felt heavy and he was sure he felt her slipping away. In the back of his mind, all he could hear was the song he'd written for her. At the time he'd been so filled with an emotional rage. But that night... that night he'd preformed alone on stage and the cameras were rolling... He purged himself of his emotions. Throwing them all into this preformance until there was no longer anything left. His core of being had been pain and suffering. It was all he'd known, but the rest of him was empty. That night he'd poured his heart out onto the stage... and left it behind. She knelt before him, her tiny hands warm and filled with life pressing against him. By some miracle or the grace of God, he knew she had picked up the shattered pieces of his heart as they lay on that stage. From thousands of miles away, she placed them in a secret place for safe keeping and had been hanging on to them until he'd come to his senses and come after them, reclaiming those little pieces of himself that had torn away from the ragged edges until there was nothing left of him but the shell of a man that sat before her now. He looked up into the face of his own personal saving angel. "I do love you Moirah... and I am so sorry for how I hurt you. I'm ashamed at how stupid I've been all this time! Why? Why didn't I see it before?" He asked, an edge to his voice. He picked up the thick stack of photos she'd tossed on the floor during her rant moments earlier. He flipped through them, each of them a moment of his very own life captured for eternity. He looked at them... really looked at them. They weren't dirty pictures. They were portraits of emotion. Showcases to attest how much he loved her. How much he cared for her. How much she meant to him. What had he been afraid of? Was his fear of the fans stealing away his life takeing over his sanity? Why was he in denial about haveing sex with her? Was he afraid someone would find out and take her away from him? It was all just nonesense and useless excuses. They weren't pictures of some random underaged celebrity haveing an affair with an older woman. They were hard proof that he loved... like any other man. There was a picture of them at the airport. A perfectly innocent picture. Another of them in a parking lot with a shopping cart. What was so bad about that? Another of them shareing a tender kiss out side his parents anniversary celebration. Also one of them holding hands over their dinner at a resteraunt. How ordinary. There was a picture, dark shadows makeing deep lines on their faces but the harsh illumination of the parking lot lights made them easily recognizable. She was standing on the running board of his truck and he was holding her close, his hands on her legs just below her hemline. But he was looking up at her, into her eyes with a delighted smile that lit his face. What was shameful about that? How could it be wrong for him to adore her? The light of love was what so clearly lit his eyes. Then he came to the one that had sent him hurtling into this chaotic catastrophe in the first place. He stared at it in silence and she watched him from below absorbing it all. It was another dark picture. this one only lit by weak moonlight. The clouds had already started gathering over head and the wind had whipped their hair like banners. He was standing tall over her, his weight bearing her against the tree and a hand was under her skirt, cupping her ass to support her steadily. Her breasts were bared and shone like two pale moons in the night. But there was nothing lurid or wrong about the way they were. They were looking deeply into each others eyes, straight into their connected souls. Her hands lay over each of his shoulders and his free one, was cradleing her face with preious reverence. They were drawn near, about to share a tender and sacred kiss, and the picture was painted with love. It was earnest and real. An emotion so true it seeped from the picture onto fingers, staining it like nicoteen on a smoker. They both were branded as she took the photo from him and smoothed her hand over his rough jaw. He captured her hand and pressed it to the side of his face. His eyes closed in pained euphoria as he held her hand like the long lost treasure she was. Slowly he opened his eyes, reality sifting through the haze in his brain. He looked down at her. "How could I have been so stupid?" He whispered hoarsly. She gave him a brave wavering smile and climbed up into his lap. They sat like that for a few minutes and he held her as she cried with relief. He had been so afraid he'd lost her... when all along he'd been pushing her away without even realizing it. In the instant of his epifany, he'd grown into the man on the inside, that he had been protraying all along on the outside. Now he knew he didn't have to wait anymore to be with Moirah. He didn't need vows to make a commitment. He already had in his heart. And he had been just fooling himself all along. He'd been trying to justify his lust for her by telling himself it wasn't really sex, just a little slap and tickle for satisfaction.... He'd been lieing, and he knew it. He'd been hiding behind his religion, claiming piouty, when all along he was denying the fact he was just a man like any other that had sinned. He also knew that even if they were half a world apart, he was certain they would be together in their hearts. He gathered her up in his arms and stood up. Stepping over the scattered photos, he took her from the studio and walked down the hall. He pushed through the half closed door, and sat her on the bed as he bent and kissed her. This was the kiss he'd been waiting so long for, and it was more then he'd ever dreamed. It felt so right, filled with truth and redemption.He took a step back and she watched him in silence. He pulled his T-shirt over his head and tossed it to the floor as he toed out of his shoes. He bent quickly and peeled off his socks. Then he took a step closer, and pulled her to the edge of the bed by her shirt, popping off three of the buttons. She smiled up at him and he shrugged with a small grin. She unbuttoned the shirt the rest of the way and he helped her push it from her shoulders as he got to his knees before her. "I love you Moirah. And I'm sorry it took me so long to understand. I want to thank you for being so patient with me. I'm so glad you love me enough to wait for me to wake up and realize what was going on." He professed. She smiled down to him as he popped the button on her jeans, then slid down the zipper slowly. "I do love you Zac... and I was hurt, but when I saw that video... it all made sense to me and I just waited until you understood... There is nothing wrong with a man falling in love with a woman, no matter their ages. But you had to be that man, and not pretend." Her words were soft as he helped her slide out of her jeans. "Being mature and a man aren't really the same thing are they?" She prompted. He shook his head, his shaggy mane quakeing as his eyes were glued to watching his hands slide up her creamy soft thighs. "Saying I love you, then trying to hide it from the world just showed me that maybe you weren't ready for a commitment afterall. But when you sang that song... I knew you were singing it just to me... and I knew you were ready but you just hadn't realized it yet..." She explained as she tugged her panties over her hips and he slipped them off her ankles and let them fall. She sat before him, her skin gleeming in the dim light that came from the hallway. "I knew, if I pushed you for enough you would either leave me for good... or come home to stay..." She tapped her chest with three fingers as her other hand caressed his cheek. "In my heart where you belong. I'm so glad you realized what you were doing and came to your senses... I don't even want to think about how much of a mess I would be if I'd lost you for good! I love you too much for that to happen Zac..." She got a grin on her face as he stood and quickly stepped out of his jeans and boxers. "And I'm sorry for spouting off and accuseing you of all those nasty things... I just had to be sure you really did love me and needed to vent. I didn't know what other way to do it besides push you to the brink..." He put his fingers to her mouth and stopped her flow of words. "I know. But that's over now... Now we're here... we're sorry, we forgive, we love..." He picked her up and lay her back against the pillows as he climbed a top the unmade bed as well. "Now we love..." He sighed as he leaned in and kissed her softly. "Now we love..." She nodded in agreement, and she kissed him back. |
| next |
| Hearts of stone 16 |
| next |