| Hearts of Stone |
| pg 14 |
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| Music once more became his crutch, his speech, his way of expression, and he had so much to say, so much to atone for, so much to beg for. Gradually the shows became more lively- though with his frustration, his somber mood occasionally stretched into furious trouncing of his kit while on stage. Behind the sceens, Zac was a different person. fits of insomnia would pour forth the tenderest of love songs or something so frighteningly deep seeded in darkness and self loathing, it sounded more like Alice Cooper or Ozzy Osbourne instead of the Mmmbop baby behind the drums. Those were certainly no songs the label would ever hear. But they weren't meant for that. Thay were meant for healing. The end of the tour was nearing, and still Moirah baulked at his every turn. Ramone tried his best, but got nowhere. Diana even called her, she did speak with her, but still felt too betrayed to speak with Zac. He was heartbroken when she hung up in his ear. His mother picked up the phone where he had dropped it. It startled her when he did that, then walked off in a dazed haze. She begged Ike and Tay to keep their eye on him. They solomnly promised, but kept out of his way. When sound check time came, Zac had holed up in their hotel room, head tucked under his pilow and curled into a ball... they knew he'd be of little help. Still, with Walkers help, they roused him, and all drove over to the venue. Isaac and Taylor were shouldering their brothers responsibilities that day, too busy to keep their eye on him. Walker was ensconced in a bussiness call, tucked into a corner away from the chaos. Diana, tending her brood, was momentarily distracted and lost the where abouts of her third son. By the time she had gotten a free moment to realize, Taylor was scouring the fridge in their dressing room for cold water to soothe his acheing thirst. "Tay..." He looked up whilest cracking a bottle open. "Have you seen your brother? I lost track of him and I just want to know if he's alright. I'd go myself, but Mac isn't feeling well and I need to get him some pepto." She explained. "Don't worry Mom. I'll find him. He's probably just sitting in a corner somewhere writing. Seems to be all he does now a days." He said the last mostly to himself. The hurt in his mother's eyes made him hurry. He searched the back rooms behind the stage.. then a haunting sound beckoned him foward and he followed his ears. Before Zac even got the words out of his mouth, Taylor was writting them down. Fingers furiously flew over parchment in attemps to satiate the wanton lust of the sounds he had just heard. He had to set it down or it may be lost for an eternity. A song such as this was a once in a lifetime achievement. Desperately he tried to capture his brothers emotions for imortality on that slip of paper he held to the wall. Scribbling with abandon he nearly did not notice the second set of hands that set upon the paper filling in the gaps his hands had left. Finally when the last resounding note finally rang out, both sets of hans halted at the new sound to fill the space in the room with the little piano. Their brother was crying. Hearts twisted as they turned to each other, blue eyes meeting brown filled with love and empathy overbrimming. Such haunting beauty had come from the heart and not the hands. In the next room sat the tortured mind and soul of a hurting man in love. The song forgotten for the moment, tears were shed as they went to comfort their little brother. He needed their love now, but he needed hers so much more. It was that final breath... the fight going out of him again. How much more was he going to endure before she would let him back into her heart... he was being kept a prisoner outside the walls. Isaac could stand it no longer. Since the night she had left, he and El had tried their best to make Moirah see what she was doing to his brother, destroying the man she claimed to love... now it was time to make last ditch efforts. That night after the concert, he went to his parents hotel room, knocking softly on the door. "Ike? What are you doing up at this hour? We have to get headed early, you should get your rest." His father had greeted him at the door with. "I know that Dad, but I can't stand this any longer. He's in there right now, crying into his pillow. He thinks we can't hear him." Was his explanation. The pleading his his eyes and the determination set in his mouth made his father bid him enter. His mother was sitting up in bed, her face a portrait of worry. "What is it honey?" She begged of him. He sighed and sat on the edge of the bed, taking up his mothers hands. "I think I have an idea, but I need your help." He revealed. And so the plot thickened, and the plan hatched. It was time for Zac to win back Moirah, even if he didn't know it yet. The next few weeks were spent trying to conjole Zac into putting himself into his preformances. It was a half hearted effort on his part at best. Then, the next step was to get him to agree to sing some of his songs. "Come on Zac, the fans go nuts when you sing lead, and you haven't exactly been very giving in that area lately." Tay tried. "Yeah Zac, maybe it would help you to get some of it off your chest if you let it out in song. You know how it can be when you loose yourself in the music" Ike tried next. "Honey, I think your brothers are right. Maybe it would be good for you. Maybe even sing one of the new songs, kind of make up for the lack of attention you've been giving the fans. They would go wild for it, make them feel special. Remember how you used to love to see their faces shine when you would do something special for the fans?" She tried to reason. He was softening, they could see it. But they didn't push him. Not yet, it was too soon. But they couldn't wait too long. Even Walker had a hand in setting up the situation. He saw to it that some dates were added to the tour, nobody protested, it was done under the guise of the label wanting an extension of the tour. Most of the time that was a good thing. To the family, it was a needed sacrifice to piece together their brothers shattered life. To Zac, he was indifferent. He saw little to life, no enjoyment, why not? It didn't matter to him one way or another. It was just something to fill his days with. Something to keep him moving. Whether he was sedentary or not mattered none to him as well... it was all just one event bleeding into another. Life just was, and he was no longer living it. Things fell into place like dominoes. Ike was right, and he was counting on it. He wanted his brother back, he wanted his life to go back to being a hopeful waiting span of time, not brooding dark clouds of apprehension. Walker and the label pulled every sting they could find, and a few they created themselves. It was the start of the decline of the summer. They could wait no longer. Now was the time. It was the time to fell the last dominoe. It was time for Moirah to open her heart again, and time for Zac to win back the love of his life. The stage was set, the lights were up, and the cameras were rolling... Before the show, meloncholy talk was passed around like banter about the weather. It was all in preperations for the show that night. Ike knew that if they were all in a funky mood, it would set Zac off and he would allow himself to be moulded into whatever shape of a mood Ike wanted him... and Isaac wanted him to be lamenting, downright ready to break down and cry before he went onstage. He hated being so mean and manipulative, but he knew that in the long run it would be good for him. After all, he only wanted the best for Zac. It couldn't have been any easier if he had gotten him drunk. Zac was ready to pour his heart out onstage for the fans... he was almost looking forward to his release onstage. Tonight he would sing for love... for her. He so much wanted her back, but saw no way to achieve that... so he did what he knew he could. To comfort himself, he sang. To Zac he was alone on the stage, no room filled with screaming prepubescent harpies. No, he was alone and missing the way her taste would dance over his tongue when he kissed her. In the dark of the back of the stage, he sat at the piano, ignoring all the screams of zeal. His quick fingers floated over the keys, he didn't hear the roar increase from the crowd. The house lights went down, a spotlight was put on him and he began to hum with the soft tune that was now tinkling from the grand piano. Such a hush from the audience was unheard of, but one could feel the tension palpably as they all strained to hear what delights this Hanson brother had in store for them. Each and every one of them feeling special and privillaged to witness to this extraordinary event of Zac alone onstage. The song swirled and soared within him... so he released it just the way he felt it... it was for her. He was singing for her, to her. Every ounce of his love was poured into his voice. His soul ripped open and bared for her to see. He sang like he'd never sung before, not even in that back room where that particular song was crafted. Sure he'd cried then, wept bitterly over his loss of her. But this time it was different. This time he was strong as the winds of woe swept through him. His chin jutted out in determination he got through the song though one could hear the ache of his very being ripping his heart to shreads as he sang of his love, and the loss of it. He took the torture of living his life so desolate and empty without her upon the stage before God and all his witnesses. It was worth it he thought. Worth it just to be able to get it all off his chest, just for the slight chance that perhaps the Lord would hear his pitious crying lament of a broken man and somehow see fit to send her back to him. Send him back the other half of his very soul, the woman he loved. Moirah. To say her name was a symphony upon his heart, and all the fires of hell burned there when he was without her. His broken voice delivered him to the end of the song. His plea for her to return to his arms once again. A lone tear was shed though, after all, even hearts made of stone can weep. When he rose and exited the stage, not a thing was heard save the collective breath of the thousands of witnesses to his pain. Then it was dark and they woke as if from a dream, realization that they were in fact an audience comming upon them suddenly. They roared with appreciation, and they wept with him, feeling his pain for he had touched each and every one of them in such a way they knew they would never be the same again. No, they had seen true love... and it was more then pain to loose it, it was worse then death to be without it... and he had shown them the way. The cameras had recorded it all... there was Zac's once in a life time chance to win back his lady love... Isaac had just created perhaps their finest music video ever, and he wasn't even in it. He knew it would be easy to sell such a powerful performance to the public. But at the time he didn't care, no, this was made for one woman alone... and he was going to do nearly anything short of dying to make sure that she saw it... she had to. He needed his brother back.. whole. A few shows later on down the line and Tay mentioned something to Zac about how nice it would be if they were to have another top ten single. Zac wasn't really interested, but just nodded along to make his brother happy. A couple of days after that, a fan asked him how it felt to have the top slot on TRL again. He was clueless... so, he sought out his father. He needed some answers and he needed them answered straight, no fuss, no muss. That was when he got a big shock... maybe life wasn't going to be so terrible after all... a new ray of hope shone upon him now. And he was willing to do everything he could to make that chance happen. It was time to win back what was rightfully his. Moirah's heart. That afternoon he sat in a darkened hotel room, curled up with his mother. They watched television undisturbed. The entire time Zac was biting his lip. When the end of the show came near, he began to tremble inside. "Ma, what if it doesn't work? What if she doesn't see it? What if..." But she cut him off. "Zachary... I know you are nervous, but you have to trust your family on this, just this once. We've done everything short of sitting her down in front of the television to see this. That's Ramone's job." She grinned at him and he cracked a near smile, his first in so long... then he hushed, it was time. On the screen was all black, and silent. Then, a sorrowful soft melody began to play out from the grand piano positioned near the back of the stage. Slowly the spotlight faded in upon a meloncholy figure sat at the keys, so isolated, so alone he looked, it made one's heart sink just to see him heave a sigh before voice broke out in tender song. Deep as the ocean, and real as hot blood in living veins, his voice coated the song with the taint of loss, hope only a lilt within the lyrics. Every breath was given up for the want of love, each word labored from his lips to be soaked up in the music, swirled and tossed in the uncertainty of life. Head bowed in reverence, he sang of what his soul was missing, and how it longed in rememberence of what it once had. This was his song, this was his lament for Moirah. This was his very inner core, ripped open and left bleeding for the world to bear witness. He loved her. He needed her. He had driven her away with pride, and now he realized how foolish he had been to let her get away. But, he made no appologies for his motives, they were as real as his love was strong. He could not deni his overwriting want to protect her. He knew that she would know this and appreciate it. But this song was his appology for pushing her away so hurtfully. For not trusting her to be strong, for she had definately proved him wrong on that point, and he conceeded that as well. Now he was ready to get on his knees and gravel... That was what this song was. His plea. His beseeching soul layed out for her benifit. He needed her to accept his appology, and this was the best way he knew how to get through to her. This had to work! By the time the song was over and he watched himself walk away from the stage, he had tears in his eyes... then the roar of the audience on the video errupted and he let loose the sob that chocked him. Perhaps he had a chance after all... it was his most powerful preformance. If that last ditch effort didn't work, well... then he knew he would forever then be naught but a husk of a man... He needed her. She was in his blood. He felt like the luckiest man in some ways... he had the most wonderful family afterall. They put up with his moods, his dramatics, and now... now they had engineered his way back into Moirah's life. What more could a man ask for? If he got her back... Then he would have all of his heart's desires. He would forevermore be a happy man until the day he died. Of that he was sure! Now all he had to do was take a little trip... Yes. He had a certain art show to attend. He hoped beyond hope, and wondered if his reception would be a warm and welcoming one... His life was hanging in the balance now... for if she rejected him still after his last efforts... then he would remain a broken man. He took stock of his resolve and began planning his departure. His mother cried in the silent darkness most nights that week after. She cried in hopes that he would win her back and regain his lost soul. And she cried for she knew if he did that... then she had lost her baby boy entirely after that. She was going to miss him, but she had to try to look forward to the new man that she would be mother to. It was a prideful moment, but the pain was just as real. It always hurts when one's child grows beyond their needing you. Decidedly, the mood began to lift with the family. Now that Zac was on a road to redemption, at least in his hopes, his disposition improved, so everyones did. Truely, it was a close knit family, their emotions gelled around the core of their devotion for one another. Whether the fans noticed, they cared not. As long as they were moving toward their destination, to finnish the tour. The end of the tour. It was something Zac thought he'd never be so anxious to have come, but he was. Anxious for that final show, final song. Then he could leave the stage, leave behind his commitments and get on with his life. He was sick of being in that dark place within himself. Wanting nothing more than to climb out of that limbo and conquer his troubles by winning her back, he pushed through each performance with uncommon strength. Every day, each hour, every very breath... it was one step closer he was to her. His love. Moirah. September arrived, his need growing so swiftly he almost couldn't be contained. Long hours on the bus were torture, for all of them. He would pace. When he wasn't traipsing up and down the narrow hallway, he would write, fingers gliding over a guitar borrowed from Ike to sate his need to create. His passion welled from him, flowing like a spring. It had to be funneled into something constructive or else he would explode. Writing was his escape. His brothers were glad to see him taking more root in a positive light, and even more grateful that his writing streak was still prevelaint. Their stock of songs was growing by leaps and bound each day... now they couldn't wait to get off the road and start recording some of the best of Zac's emotions on paper. It would surely be an album with a Zac flavor. But best of all, it would be beautiful with the range of different emotions that would be displayed. Love, loss, anger, hopelessness, angst, rebirth, and again love, but stonger, more vibrant. It was like watching a year in Zac's life go by as they flipped through his notebooks filled with finnished songs. A lifetime lived in that year... imagination went wild thinking about what he would hold in store for the years to come if he continued to write as he had been since he'd fallen n love. They were willing to wait for the gems to fall into their lap. Their brothers love it seemed was gold. But most importantly to them was not the songs or the music... no, it was that look in his eyes when he talked about her. The way a hint of a smile would curl on the corner of his lip when she was mentioned. Even through all the weeks he lived in hell being away from her, he just couldn't help it when that would happen. It was what loving her did to him. And he never even knew about it. Later they would have to tell him all about it... later when she was back in his arms and his heart had been mended by her singular kiss. It could wait until then... it could wait. October came, and he was nearly insane with impatience. Everything was worked out for his little trip. Everything accounted for... except her reaction. He hoped that it would be the one he longed for... he needed her back. He knew he couldn't live without her, and he was willing to do anything to get her back. Anything. "Got everything?" Diana asked in a small voice. It was very unlike her. It made them all heighten to the tremendous importance this little trip for Zac meant. And not just to him, but to the family as a whole. If one was broken, they all suffered. They worked together like clockwork, if a cog went haywire, they just didn't run as smoothly, maybe even brokedown all together. They were afraid of that happening, but they prayed it wouldn't. "Yes." Zac replied, wishing he'd been able to say it with more confidence. "You call if you need anything?" She reminded him. He nodded, bending down to hug her. She kissed his forehead sweetly, a silent prayer being offered up for him as her lips left his face, her eyes boring into his as she searched one last time for that little boy. He was gone now, that was certain. She mourned alone, in silence. Putting on a brave weak smile, she looked up to him as he stood again. "Be careful. We'll see you soon." Her motherly ways not an easy habit to get out of. Really though, he appreciated it. "I will. See you." He spoke softly, a last squeeze to his mothers tiny hand within his, and he walked away. Behind him he knew they were all watching, waiting. Sending their hopes and prayers with him as he left them, and sought after his beloved. He knew that if he turned around and looked his father would be comfortingly holding his mother, and that Ike would be standing there biting his lip the way he always did. Tay would be fidgeting, wanting something to do with his hands, but finding nothing would cross his arms and hum under his breath so he didn't cry. He knew... and he loved them all for it. But now it was time he took that last step. His final attemp to leap from his life so far, back into his blissful one with Moirah. Not that he would ever give up on her, but he knew it would be like starting all over again if this didn't work. He was determined not to let that happen. He boared the plane and never looked back. Looking back was no longer an option. From now on he had to look forward. Look forward with confidence that she would be waiting for him each night when he came home. A loving look in her eyes, smile upon her lips, a song in her heart, a song that he had put there. The same song that she had filled his own heart with when he first lay eyes on her. The plane landed, and he and a very sleepy Darius disembarked with the rest of the passengers like unloading sheep. It was dreadfully dreary out, grey and drizzly. It fit his apprehensive mood he thought. Still he trudged on through the crowed airport, bags in tow as they went to get the rented car. It was his last day of waiting... and he felt like it was going by in slow motion. When they finally managed to get the car and head to the hotel, he pulled out his cellphone and dialed an oh so familiar number. One he had ached to dial for weeks now, one that he had been denied. "Hello?" Came the deep voice. "Hey, we're here. See you tomarrow." He voiced, then ended the call and put his phone back in his pocket. First thing on his mental check list done. It wasn't enough, he knew he'd never be satisfied until he had what he'd come for. He felt like he wanted to pace, or write... or... or... or something! "Hey man, see if you can't find a liquer store? I really need something to calm my nerves." He begged of Darius. His friend looked at him and shook his head. "No man, if you're gonna start to go bonkers on me, drink'n aint gonna help it and you know it. Look what happened the last time you got shitfaced. All weepy and shit. No man, if you need to be talked down off that ledge, call your Mother man." Darius advised. Zac knew he was right... last time was pretty pathetic. He pulled his phone out once more. |
| Thanx for read'n Z-ya! |
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