June 2001 rants
6/19/01
my family is really ignorant. i finally figured out the root of all our fights. it's my mother and my brother. they fight b/c they are totaly opposite each other. if i wasn't here and in the middle of it all, you would think that this was a soap opera. trust me, it's not. but other than that, i am in a very very very very good mood. amy=happy! so this rant will end here on a happy note...^_^!
Later this day:
i have come to the realization that my family needs to get professional help. they are all idiotic. and my brother needs to move out. end of discussion. but the day is still good b/c tomorrow will prove to be even better!
6/20/01
i really need to stop staying up late. i have the worst luck with my sleep problems. praise the lord and pass the ammunition b/c i want to shoot myself. it's the only way i will get any sleep in this crazy mixed-up place we call earth! i am too damned nice sometimes. ah well. making people happy is the only way i can keep a safeguard on my sanity and still have a life. and besides...if what i do helps people...then fuck sleep! i am needed in this place to be a friend to people...with or without sleep! ah well...it's 12:34 in the fucking morning and i am ranting at you people instead of sleeping! but no matter. tomorrow is a new day!!! ^_^ <---(and i feed my psyce this shit every day...can you believe that?) *ahem* anyway...yeah...good night/morning to all of you!
later this day:
i really hate waking up to the piano being played at a volume that could wake the dead. especialy since the song was "the entertainer"...not a good way to wake up. needless to say, i'm in a cranky mood. but, as i have said before, i am really looking forward to today. so nothing can get me down now damnit!
later this day:
i knew everything that went bad would be negated by all the good that went on today!!!! that's it! ^_^
6/21/01
today is the first day of summer. today i get my revenge on the piano playing maniac. i have bold to wake him up in any way possible arround 1 pm. i am not arguing with this job description at all. but the unfortunate thing is...i feel like i got hit by a truck. sleep is my friend...yet it is also my enemy. i have also noticed that tom brokaw (sp?) looks really old now. hmmm...must be the lack of sleep. amy=semi-ill...BLAH! oh well. for the first day of summer, it sure is chilly outside as compaired to like any day before this when the sun was shining. also...a lady in texas has confessed to killing her 5 kids. that is really not cool. i am very upset about that. they are blaming her actions on post-partum depression. *sigh*...what's the world coming to? after waking up today, i have come to the conclusion that i should just go back to bed or something...so...i will end this section of rant on this note: your skin always feels a little different when you feel beautiful.
later this day:
i have found that today, i lack any ambition to do anything...which is kinda crappy. i am so bloody tired!!! i am sitting in my pjs, listening to christmas music, and doing nothing. ah well. i don't really care today. i think i feel better from this morning though...so that's good! btw, computer=fucking ignorant!!!!
later this day:
i hate my luck...it sucks! today i went to do something nice for the community...i went to work at my church. but while i was ther...i dropped a big bowl of potato salad on the floor and broke an expensive dish. and then my brother and mother started fighting. this really sucks dick!
6/22/01
it's midnight and my family is incredibly stupid and annoying! ask me how much i care that my brother has a psycological disorder and that i'm supposed to change the way i act to help him! if it sounds like i have any anger toward him...believe that it is real. if he didn't fucking live here, my family would be so much better off than it is now. we wouldn't fight so damn much! i feel just a little pissed right now...if you couldn't tell. i seem to be going with my instinct in a lot of things right now...and most of my instincts have told me good things. and my instinct says that keeping my mouth shut in front of my family aobut anything is a fucking bad idea. my brother in an asshole. i am fooling myself into thinking that i have any control over my life. other decisons by people around me tell me what to do...i have never made my own decision in my life. my family fucking controls almost every aspect of my life. i am only truly free when i am away from home. i am myself when i am not here. i can't be here and be myself...never was an option. i just want to escape for a while. leave this house, this life, and go make a name for myself. i don't want anything here. everything i have ever wanted is away from this house. but...i have one more year here and then i can leave and never come back. i will not come back to this house...never. i can't pretend that i am happy with it here. i am only happy out of this house. if i could ever leave just this house, i would be me again. i can be happy. many things are out of my control right now...but hopefuly, they will all work out and make my life a little better. this is fucking emotionaly draining. i don't care about much anymore...and that scares me to no end. i care about my friends. that is all that matters now. my friends are more important to me than my own sanity.
later this day:
i woke up to the lovely sound of my family arguing about my brother's psycological problem and shit like that. i feel like i'm going to throw up...and i don't know why. i just want a little happiness in my life right now. is that too much to fucking ask for?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! my family bites ass. i just wish that they would quit the fighting for a while and do something more constructive. they should really work on their problems.
6/23/01
1:35 am. i can finally say that i am calm and happy right now. many things have fallen into a set place for me and those in my life. friends are now closer, and my happiness has come back. my hostility toward little things in life is leaveing me. for all that i have lost in the last few weeks, i have gained 100 fold. i know that i am important in somone elses life besides my own, and that is the best feeling in the world. this might not be a rant, but i had to write it down anyway. for all those who know what i am talking about and how i feel, thank you. i love you. i'll always be there.
later this day:
well...i'm not sure, but i think i woke up to more fighting today. the reason why i'm not sure is b/c i woke up at the end...so i don't know if it was an argument or just a little shouting match or what. but no matter. i am in a good mood. i am happy for myself anf my friends and all that jazz. i love my life today. adam...i'm sorry i worried you, but i'm going to be ok now. i now get to consentrate on my friends' lives and problems instead of my own...i'm back and for the better...^_^!
later this day:
i have to tell ya...i love the rain alot. but when it prevents me from my daily escape (my walk) i just have to be mad at it. it's keeping me in this house...BLAH!!!! ah well...time to get over it.
6/25/01
i had so much fun today!!!!! well...that is after 3 o'clock. before that i had to wake up and go to the hight school guidance office. and then i had to go to the emergancy room for a free hepatitis b shot. my arm still fucking hurts!!! um...right...after 3....party at amy wagner's!! "welocme to troy, nik" party to be exact. many many people there...^_^!!! had mucho funness! no fights today in the house that i can remember. i have 2 new books to read...thanks to literate ryan...^_^ books=good. but he got a book from me too...so it's even. it's almost tomorrow....so i have to end this session...^_^
6/26/01
umm...sit-ups after eating and before bed. christ my abs are killing me. anyway...today was good. only 2 fights today...both involving jimme (duh). umm...that's pretty much it. nothing else has happened. oh...planning the demise of some things. coolnes...^_^
6/27/01
i wish that i had more time away from here. i came home from having fun with peeps, and yet another argument is in progress. my family is fucking ignorant. may they realize how stupid they are. international politics instead of family problems this time though. so i guess at least they are aware of what's going on. this is a bunch of shit! may this day after the hour of 7 never have occured!
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