July 2001 Rant
7/2/01
wow...it's been forever since i ranted at you people. sorry about that. let's see...what has happened since the 27th? well...the 29th...amy's steve came to visit. steve=awesome!!!! such a nice guy! i went to her house around 2-ish. went swimming with my clothes on. wanted to maim and abuse derrick. went to ryan's house after the party. hung out and talked till becker came and picked me up to tak me home. on to the 30th. i had to be awake and dressed by 10 of noon...just to get on a bus for 2 1/2 hours, sing in the sweltering heat for an hour, et rained on while trying to eat fries, get on the bus for another 2 1/2 hours to come home. welcome to the wonderful world of cobblestones! amy wagner spent the night. she read comic books...i read an epic novel. the site was funny! umm...she bribed my family to let her stay with some food. umm...the 1st. took amy home and stayed over there till like 6...ryan also came over. ryan took me home...and came back. went to his house. hung out and talked. came home and got messaged by like 9 people at once! the extent of my week. oh...family fights here and there...but nothing major. good times all in all...^_^
later this day:
i feel like such a bitch. i am happy with all that happened today. but i am upset that certain people are upset. that makes me upset. i'm thinking about kicking my smoking habbit in the ass before it takes me over. i was fooling myself into thinking that i could do it once or twice and then just be not addicted. i think i'm feeling emotionaly sterile or something. i just don't feel things like i used to. even though i'm feeling emotionaly sterile, i'm feeling very sensitive recently. sesitive to emotion, yet never feeling a thing. i hate being numb like this. shoot me in the heart so that i can feel it. i need to feel pain or something to know that i am alive. emotional highs lead to devistaing falls or something like that. yeah... i have promises to fulfill...i probably won't write again till tomorrow....very early tomorrow.
7/3/01
i have come to the realization at 1 am that i am a green party supporter. they have my views and personal beliefs. i am glad i learned about them. i aim to help their cause as best i can. i am not a hippy. don't assume that. but i do care about the environment and the government. on another note...books on buddhism don't make me evil. they just make me well informed. yeah. you hear that dad?! i am a person. i think and feel and believe. fuck you narrow minded people of the world. you just make it harder for me to breath by taking my oxygen and polluting it with ignorance.
later this day:
i have really got to start getting up earlier. i missed the first half of today. that pisses me off. i need a new alarm clock or something. miss pennsylvania teen pagent is a bunch of shit! no swimsuit competition and no talent segment...but evening gown and sportswear? what the hell is this! these things like this that give out scolarships should be open to everyone. not just those of good looks and small waists! what a sham! i can't believe that people want to give money to others simple on physical apperiance! what a bunch of crap!
later this day:
i am such a bitch. i have got to get out of here. there is nothing for me here. i can't live like this. i have got to go away. i can't get the hell out of here. i can't live here anymore. i just can't. it's pointless to even talk to my family. they will never understand me in 100 years. i am the fucking black sheep of the flock. i go my own way. i do what i want. i have my own beliefs. i can't conform to this family. i hate it here. i want out. i just want tot get the hell out of here. i need to get away. i want out. if i cry, and they ask why, i lie to them b/c i feel as if they have no idea what the hell i want. i want to just be away from them for the rest of my life.
7/4/01
happy 4th of july. *amy keeps political rant to a minimum today* um yeah...i am really tired. i went to bed at 2 am. went to sleep at 5 am. got up at 9 am. well, at least i can't complain that i wasted the day by sleeping. i will just be so fucking tired that it will be pointless for me to do anything anyway. thanks for the song becker! it really fit my mood. my family is the epitome of over medicated. there are like 50 pill bottles and madicine packets and chough syrup and other such things in the medicine cabinet. my mom hates my music. my father hates my politics. life in general is pretty interesting nowadays. if i have an opinion...it gets shot down. ah well. i'll live with my one-man reform of the household. hopefuly, they won't be so close minded anymore...^_^ one can only hope.
later this day:
i think it is safe to say without any doubt that i am depressed. i don't know why, but all i know is that i have a severe case of summertime depression. i have no idea of how to climb out of this, but i know i have to. i have no initiative to do anything. i just want the world to leave me alone...but right now, i need my friends the most. so in order to be sane, i need the insanity back in my life. there needs to be an unpredictability factor in my life. i guess you can say i crave excitement. either that or i am slowly going insane and the world is turning into a carrot. i haven't decided which yet. yeah... anyway, i tried to discuss politics with my dad again today, and he still thinks i'm wrong, and will always be wrong. ah well. nothing i can do about that. his ears and eyes are closed. nothing i can do to open them. i hate to say this...but i wish i was back in school again. there was always something going on there. now it seems as if i do the same thing every day. i think i need to learn parallel parking and get my damned lisence. get me the hell out of this evil cycle. i need less predictability and more liberty. but alas, liberty comes with a price or something. i don't know. i'm not a prophet or and oracle. i don't know.
later this day:
well...my dad is a dictator. he wants to censor my site. he says that i have no right to talk the way i do or say the things i say. he said that if i don't censor it, then he will take away my computer privilages...how nice. what an ass. good lord, i think i'm in the middle ages again!
later this day:
well. today is a fucking waste. what a lousy day. i woke up too damn early. i tried to take a nap, but it was too hot to do that. then i wake up to find an empty house. the rest of my family left to go play music for some thing. i have no place to go tonight. i was thinking of walking to the place, which i just might do anyway. that would be a good place to fall off the rocks and die or something. anyway, i feel like walking death. i am tired and cranky and bitchy and mean and i am appologizing to anyone i have offended today. yeah... today we celebrate the day that we signed ourselves away from england to become independant. we are now dependant on other countries anyway, b/c we need their oil. isn't that interesting. we gained independence to be dependent on someone else. welcome to the lovely world of government. we won't even use metric, b/c england does. yeah, well so doesn't the rest of the world!! get a fucking clue. we aren't independent, we are isolationists. yay. i tried not to rant today aboout politics, but i just couldn't resist.
later this day:
ok. today has been bad. very very very bad. but...the hour and 15 minutes i spent with ryan and amy and graham made my day...^_^ they came to visit me to cheer me up. i got my necklace back from ryan. that made me so happy i wanted to cry...but i couldn't cry in front of them. so i just smiled like a shit eating bastard that just got fucked 100 times in one night! they really made my day 100 times over. i love them so much for caring enough to come over...^_^
7/5/01
8:30 am is way to early to be doing anything. i can't believe i'm up this early! mom was on the phone with grandma. mom talks really really loud! yeah...i think i went to sleep at like 4 this morning. i know i wrote at 2:20, and it was a while after that when i fell asleep. so i'm assuming it was 4-ish. yeah... anyway. i'm am not awake at all. and i have to drive for 4 hours today to pick up grandma. blah! umm...steve is really nice to talk to. what a nice guy...^_^ too bad he lives so far away. he and amy are so cute together...^_^ yeah...i'm going insane. gotta love that. stick of gum for breakfast. woohoo. i really need sleep! oh...i really wish that i could just give the world a huge hug every now and then. it really needs it. i know a lot of people who are or are going to be hurting, and i just want to be there for them. but i can't. and i don't deserve to. i can't even help the people i know. what gives me the right to assume that i can help anyone else?!
later this day:
umm...the drive was very good. i almost killed an old man. i listend to contemoprary christian music @_@ yicky. umm...i drove on the highway and passed like 6 people. ^_^ i went umm...85 on the hightway. i almost hit a guide rail. i almost fell asleep behind the wheel. umm...i drove home. i came into the house...and immediately my family argues about me and my personality. apparently i treat everyone in the world like garbage. and i don't care about anything. i had a political argument with my mom in the car...what a lovely day. ><_><
7/6/01
i just woke up. today is my sister's birthday! HAPPY BIRHTDAY JENN!!! yeah... anyway. at 1 am, my parental units and i had a discussion about the censorship issue. they finaly decided they were wrong! YAY! victory for me! they even appologized for the cheap shots they took at me and my political beliefs. they still monitor my net surfing and chats by the "look over her shoulder when we think she isn't going to notice" method, but i can live with that. my site is completly uncensored, thankyouverymuch! it's amazing what can be accomplished when you are standing in a kitchen with 2 angry and tired parents. ^_^!
7/7/01
ok...it's very very late...and i was going to do this earlier...but i forgot. so tonight's events will be in today's entry. ok...at 1 pm...i went with marrie and jamie and becker and casie and we went to edgewoods. had fun. went to place. had fun. fell in the water. went to marrie's. went to john's. went insane. went to amy's. went to cabin. became rational and happy again instead of insane and upset. went back to amy's. walked on bridge. talked to the moon. walked back to amy's. twisted ankle. came home. life=fucking awesome! i mean...i was insane. i paniced a little...b/c i have never snapped before. but i am set back into reality. ^_^ blah...life is so damn good..^_^
7/8/01
ok...i didn't get to write about yesterday. so i will tell you about my weekend all in one shot! ok...the 7th. tanya picked me up at 10:30. went to her house. watched Princess Mononoke again. went swimming. watched miss congeniality. fussed and played with osiana. went to charlie's. played pool. came home. ok...today. woke up at 10. went to church/picnic thingy. came home. went to ryan's house. hung out. went to marrie's. went swimming. went to hen. brought stoner cookies and cappacino. went home. had a fucking awsome weekend this week. i hope to do more stuff like this more this summer. i love all of my freinds. they are so fucking awesome. i love them so much. some of them i have known for years, some for month, some for weeks. but i love them with all my heart. they make my life whole. ^_^ i love you all so much! you make me so damn happy every day! the more i think about you, the happier i get!
7/9/01
wow. today is monday. waht happened to last week? ah well. i am in such a good mood!! still! i need a job. i need to cut my nails. i need to lose weight. i need to get my lisence. but today, i am lazy, lack ambition, and too damn happy to worry or care. ^_^ i just woke up like...an hour or so ago. lunch time! ^_^
later this day:
ok...today...i went out. becker came over and picked my up...we then proceded to marrie's. i was the first on the pick-up list, b/c my house was on way to her's. anyway...we picked her and casie up, and went swimming. we then hung out at the hen. i cam hame and then had to almost go back out the door to go to cobblestones. yay. anyway...now i'm home, and panicking! i can't find my one notebook. it had some very important poetry that i never got to type up and save...so it's lost forever. i have got to find that notebook!! i also think that my parents have been reading my notebook that i have now. i hope to god not! some of that stuff is very important, private shit! i really need to find the old one though...b/c that has a lot of stuff that i wrote in Delaware. i never got to save it on my computer!! i am pissed that i lost it! well...i'm gonna go look for it now. i won't stop till i find it!
7/10/01
shit, shit, shit! i still can't find that notebook! gah!!! i'm going insane!!! i really need to find it! if mom or dad or jimmie find it, then i am majorly screwed!! i can't let them find it! gah!!!! i'm losing my mind!!!! jesus christ!!! i need help!!! i think i'm going to cry or something!!!
later this day:
it's fucking 7:30 am!!! i am only up b/c my family unit was having an argument again. yay. so i was awake at 7. jimmie had to get up and get going, so i was all like a bitch and said this to him:
me: "don't you have places to be?"
Jimmie: "yes."
me: "then get up, get dressed, and get out of my house. i'm going back to bed."
needless to say, it felt good. ^_^ i also woke up to a throbing hand, b/c i had a splinter in it, and being smart, i figured i would get it out before i got an infection. i am so fucking stupid. i now have and infection in my hand. woohoo. just what i fucking need at 7:30 in the fucking morning! i still can't find my notebook! rant=done for now.
later this day:
blah. i am still tired. i've been awake for 4 hours...that's 4.5 too many. i have comt to realize many things today. yeah... i need that notebook!!! gah! this is TORTURE!!! blah! i need something to do today... anyway... sleep would be nice. but then again...who needs sleep when there is caffeen?
later this day:
i gave in to sleep. i took a nap. my sister came home today. too bad she didn't come home and move her stuff out on her own. anyways... we are having her b-day thingy today. yeah...fun ^_^ anyway... i still can't find my notebook. pisses me off to no extent! yeah...that's about it for now...OH! WELCOME HOME RYAN! ok...i'm feeling pretty indescribable right now...^_^ must be a sign. time to do something else now.
later this day:
ok...today was fun ^_^ i had voice lessons at 6. and then i came home...and ryan and marrie and casie were in the driveway at exactly the same time i got home...so it was like...karmic or something. they had my sister's b-day cake, as was her request. anyway...we went to the dandy in towanda, where we proceded to loiter for like...an hour or something. then we went home. ryan had a head ach. so after that...jenn and i went for a ride. we went and picked up marrie and met up with jamie and annette and jeanie and went to jeanie's house for a bit. we lit sparklers. we then went to townada dandy again. got gas and drinks. loitered some more. then we took marrie home and went home. life is good. i am happy. i like the way my life is going. hopefuly, tomorrow is another big day...^_^
7/11/01
umm...yeah. depression is like a huge tractor trailor truck that is speeding at you. you freeze and it hits you hard. it's a bitch. anyway... still no notebook. fuck the damn notebook. i don't care anymore. yeah... umm...yeah...i write poetry at 2 am. i sleep when the high wears off. i think amy=bi-polar or something. i need something to do to get my mind off of things like this. i need a high again. maybe i'll get hit with inspiration or a thought or something today. ah well. fuck it!
later this day:
well...this is perfect. tomorrow's plans didn't come together and i don't have anywhere to go tomorrow. blah! ah well...at least the initial planner is going to treat us all to chinese later i guess...i dunno...that's what he says. i don't care. i have voice lessons tomorrow. i haven't practiced in like weeks. i am being lazy and stupid. i want to die tonight and come back like...a week from today. i want to not exist for the next week. blah! i'm in a fucking lousy mood. grrr... maybe i will write tongiht or something...get myself back into my high. maybe i will stay there for a while this time. who knows...who cares. i've given up on it myself. i'm in an awful mood tonight. i feel like a bitch again. not cool at all. yeah...whatever. amy=fucking done.
7/12/01
blah! no plans! i'm not happy! it's so fucking boring here!! i wish that i still had plans...but as life has been proving more and more to me...i end up getting fucked over in the end anyway. so i guess it doesn't matter. it's been a while since we have all been together. we are now growing appart. it hurts more than you, you, you, you, and you can know. it's painful. this isn't the first time it has happened to me. but then again, it won't be the last either. i accept my fate as to be forever and outcast. damn me and my inability to fit in with anyone. well, time to go back to bed and forget about the world. it seems to have forgotten me.
later this day:
yeah... my nap was too short. my voice lessons were crappy. i'm still in a shitty mood. i have to do college research today. yay... i'm looking at lebenon valley, lycoming, west chester, suny-binghampton, susquehanna, vilinova....and some others. yeah... i have to make a choice. i need a life. i'm done for now.
later this day:
WELCOME HOME AMY! life was so boring with out her around. now that she's back...i get to live vicariously through her tales of show choir camp! i hope she had fun! it was soooo boring around here. well, now that she's back, life should be very fun now...^_^
later this day:
umm...i'm giving serious consideration to moving this to livejournal.com. this is getting huge. but then again, if i did that, then what would make up the biggest thing on my site?! yeah...anyway. i'm depressed. i'm oh so depressed. blah and fuck the world! yeah... life will kill you. if life doesn't kill you, then death sure does a good job of finishing you off.
7/13/01
well, today started early yo. 8:30 isn't a time of day i like to see usually. but, i'll live. remind me to never eat before bed again *urk*. yeah, umm....i think dad is in surgery now or something, but mom hasn't called yet...so i don't know. umm...last night i had a dream about cigarettes and tiwan and long distance learning and mrs. vanderpool. now i know the pizza kept me awake. yeah... umm...i'm in a very good mood today for someone who has just woken up and was depressed yesterday. i think it was the time last night from 12:00 to 2:00 that i spent laughing hystericaly for no reason. everything was so entertaining to me. i must have been tired. i read like...9 pages of Musashi last night...BAH! i have to get reading! ryan wants to loan it to graham when i'm done, and i don't want to keep it for like...8 years! i'm in such an awesome mood today! must be b/c it's friday the 13th. i have no clue as to why people think that this is such an awful day. i mean, it's a calander date! it's probably wrong anyway, considering that no one has a true consept of time. but anyway... yeah. cigarettes and tiwan?!?!? what the hell is the matter with me?! yeah...i'm tired. i'll write more as the day progresses.
later this day:
i was just looking thru this huge box of computer disks and other assorted junk, when what do i find but a Boneclub cd. remind me, WHO THE HELL IS BONECLUB?!?!? i have a 5 track cd by a group i have never even heard of and it bothers me...b/c it is my cd. it has my name on it and everything! i don't remember making this lovely purchase at all! oh well...i guess i can use it as a coaster or something. i'll have to find out if i like the music though, b/c if i don't, i'll give the cd to whoever the hell wants it! yeah... anyway...i miss philadelphia. i can't wait to go back. maybe even find my cafe again...^_^ i was just telling a friend of mine about Philly. the last time i was there was...2 years ago. yeah...i need to get back. anyway, enought of that. i was starting to go into scooby-doo flashback mode. umm...dad is out of surgery as of like...9 am. that was fast! anyway...he's tired and cranky...so what else is new? he should be home by like...3 or something i guess. all i know is that food looks like garbage, things smell funny today, and jimmie is awake. woohoo. yeah.... end.
later this day:
ok...i tried to download aimster. it didn't work out right...and it made me re-install AIM. blah! anyway...AIM is back in action after like...an hour. i have plans for the day!!! woohoo!! i get to meet a new person today! woohoo! yeah...anyway...amy=shower. i'm out! ^_^
7/14/01
well...it's 8:30 am here in troy. blah! i woke up a half hour ago. anyway...yesterday was fun. i met valerie, a very very very awesome person! ^_^ she is fun to talk to. let's see...what did i do yesterday? ah...went out. went to amy's. graham was there. he left. she kicked us out later. anyway...after that we drove around and did nothing for like...3 hours. went to towanda and visited becker. hung out some more. went to wendy's for some sustinance. then...went to the drive in! dirve ins are cool!!! and no...we didn't misbehave. the movies were awesome. i liked the jet li one much better than i liked dr. doolittle 2. but they were both good. yeah...anyway. i had fun! met a new person! life=good!
later this day:
well...this is interesting. talking to people. taking care of people. being genraly happy for the day...^_^ i think i'm having a good day. mark your calanders. umm...i was gonna say something, but i totaly forgot what it was. that is very sad. i think i'm losing braincells slowly. must be summer time stupidity. ah well. such is life. blah blah blah. um...yeah. i'm happy as a living clam in the muddy bottom of the sea. yep...amy=happy happy happy!
later this day:
wow. i finaly took initiative and contacted West Chester University about the undergraduate program. i decided that even though SUNY-Binghamton just screams to me to go, it looks to have a better masters program than an undergrad. program. ah well. SUNY-Binghamton will have to wait for me to finish getting my degree. i really wanted to go there, b/c of how close it is to the opera, but, West Chester is really close to Philly, and i'm all over that! so i will wait and see what eugene klein has to say to me after he reads my e-mail. i just hope it wasn't as immature sounding as i thought it was. i thought i was straight to the point and not acting ditzy, but then again, i do that without thinkning, so i don't know. gah! i hope it sounded ok.
7/15/01
yeah! i love being awake at 7:50 am! NOT!! fucking phone woke me up. grrr. anyways, last night was soooo much fun!!! went to the movies with graham, amy and ryan. saw A.I. now...i have to tell you A.I. is oe of the best movies that i hever seen in like, forever. it was amazing! the whole movies made you think! and that impressed me a lot! it was a very profound movie. yes, i admit, it was also moving. i cried in parts. yeah... anyway. oh, i love getting lost in and around elmira. that was fun! yeah, we spent like an hour trying to get the hell out of elmira and it's surrounding areas. we stopped at an all night conveniance store. we turned around in someone's sidewalk, not driveway, sidewalk. umm...many many many redlights. u-turns on the ithica on ramp. bah! i should never have trusted them to get home without my help. ^_~ just kidding. we had fun! i loved every second of it! oh...earlier that day, i got a fucking flat tire while i was out driving with my mom. we had everything we needed to get the job done ourselves, but there was one problem. the stupid wrench thingy that comes with the jack and can un-screw the lugg nuts wouldn't unfold. it was stuck. i was pissed, b/c i knew we had to ask someone else to do it for us, and i am all like, i can do this myself! but, mom being stupid at the time had the balls to say to me, "we need a MAN to do this job!" i was about ready to kill. anyway, some guy and his wife came by and helped us get thte tire fixed. yeah, so the van is out of commission untill we get a new tire. yay. so, yeah, that was my day all the way up until 2 am this morning...^_^
later this day:
umm....yeah...the day is good. i have like, advanced plans...ooh aah! yeah. anyway...futher bullitins on that as event warrent. umm...i took a personality disorder test today. nothing i didn't already know, but it depressed me anyway, b.c it was like...obvious and shit like that. anyway...i put safety pins on a skirt of mine just b/c i could. it looks awesome!!!! yeah! my parent's haven't noticed the fuck work sticker on my wall, being that it is out in the open and in an abviouse place. but yeah, anyway... my cousin says that i have an exciting life. my life isn't that exciting, it's my friends that are amazing. they are everything to me. they are beyond words! i love them so much! yeah...sorry about the sentiment. umm...today was pretty uneventful. my brother and my mother fought about, get this, syncronizing the clocks in the house. they were desperate for argument material. blah blah blah. i was just reading really old rants that i read like...eons ago...and i all like, was that me?!?! when was i ever such a bitch?! why was i so depressed?! am i really that moody?!? if i am that way, please tell me. i mean...i don't like the way bitchy amy acts. if i ever slip into her again, hit me, please!
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