July Index
July 25, 2003; The Beginning
July 28, 2003; The False Start
If I were twenty years older this would be a mid-life crisis.
In two months I�ll turn 28. And I�ve been looking at my life. It�s been a disappointing thing to do. Looking back on almost thirty years of Nothing has a sobering effect. I can sum my life in a couple of sentences. Actually, I think my life is better recapped by bullets:
� Born September 1975 in Anniston, Alabama.
� Spent grade school, middle school, and high school years working to be a musician.
� After one year as a music major, changed major to civil engineering technology.
� Graduated college with BS CET in August 2000.
� Lives in Buford, Georgia.
� Works for Bad Co.
Surely after almost thirty years, I should at least have a couple of chapters. But no, I have a couple of sentences. Excuse me, it�s not even sentences. My life is six bullets. I�ve never really done anything. I�ve never had a Meaningful Relationship.
There�s never been a Great Love of my life. There was that cutie back in high school and there was that guy in college who asked me to marry him (because he had political aspirations and thought I�d make a good politician�s wife which only proved to me how little he knew me) and there have been Crushes here and there, but not really some guy I can look back on and smile or cry or laugh or anything. I�m not saying that the way to measure your life is by the number of men you�ve dated. Validating yourself by the number of men you�ve dated over the years is as wrong as priding yourself on your independence and not dating at all, which is what I�ve almost managed to do.
It�s not as if I purposefully set out to Go It Alone. I mean, in middle school, when other girls were busy primping and crushing on guys in the bathroom, I was busy planning a musical career. In high school, when other girls were experimenting with dating, I was taking voice lessons and planning an operatic career. In college, when other women were dating and partying, I was studying, trying to pass physics and differential equations. And now - after college, while other women go to happy hour and nightclubs, I mow the grass and work on my budget.
I never intentionally set myself apart from the Other Sex, I just didn�t have time for them. I never made time for them and because of it, I�m a social moron. I admit it: I am a complete moron when I�m around men I�m attracted to. I thought I was being smart by thinking ahead and by planning, but all I did was segregate myself from the rest of the world who was busy carpe diem-ing.
Does this mean that I�m now going to be a Party Goddess? Well, no. That�s just not me. Planning ahead and being quiet are just intrinsic pieces of my nature. But I do need to make room in my life for other people. I�ve led a very self-centered, sheltered existence and I think that it�s time to expand a bit.
I�m not doing this just for the whole marriage thing, though that is (of course) a consideration. I want to broaden my horizons. (Though some would say my ahem horizon is broad enough.)
I have no clue as to how to go about it. We�ve already established that I�m a social moron and that talking to men about non-work topics is akin to pulling fingernails off a baby.
My mother will suggest that I go to Church. Well, I think I will. I haven�t attended church regularly since I was 18, so it�s going to be something of a shock to my system to suddenly go back after ten years of absence. But I need to, and not just to meet men, either.
So, I�m starting this blog to narrate my New Life. And one day, maybe my kids will look at it and wonder how such a moron as their mom ever found such a cool guy like their dad.
Also, maybe I�ll meet a couple of people whom I can make room for in my New Life.
|
Comments Hey there, Jan! I noticed a new URL in my referrer logs, so I figured I'd drop by and say hello. It's always cool to see the beginning of a new blog. I hope you have a good time with it. I'm a recovering social moron myself, so I know where you're coming from. I didn't go on a single date until I was in college, and I think before my mission I went on maybe two of them. It's only been in the last year or so that I've had any success in my dating life. I don't really have any advice, except to just be friendly to everyone and enjoy being yourself. Activity at Church is where most of my social life comes from, too, so I think that's a great idea. :) Good luck with the New Life, and happy blogging! Levi | Email | Homepage | 07.25.03 - 6:34 pm It is never too late-unless you're not looking. and, you're looking. I didn't date until after college! and, you're only 28! Good name,there. Chris Muir | Email | Homepage | 07.25.03 - 6:46 pm Thanks for the encouragement! It's good to know that I'm not the only one who (at one time or another) feels completely inept in social situations. Jan Lynn | Homepage | 07.28.03 - 9:06 am
|
July 28, 2003; The False Start
Saturday afternoon was something of a flashback.
It�s been some time since Saturday was more than just a day to laze around the house. As a child, Saturday afternoons were when my mother � out of an almost paranoid fear of being late, a fear I seem to have inherited - made the entire family assemble whatever we were going to take to church the next morning.
Saturday mornings may have been for the Smurfs, but Saturday afternoons were for ironing and polishing. Heaven forbid my mother�s child should walk into the House of the Lord with scuffs on her shoes or wrinkles in her skirt. So, somehow, I found myself going through that same ritual Mom established in my childhood.
It wasn�t until I had everything ready that I realized what I had done. I stood staring at the newly pressed dress hanging in my bedroom doorway, with the shoes neatly placed beneath and appropriate underwear laid across the chair nearby. I had placed my quad and Day-Timer by my purse in the entry so I could scoop them out Sunday morning on my way out the door.
They�re amazing, the things that are passed down from your parents. You think that you are strikingly bold and fresh in your approach to your life. Then one day, you�re rolling along (sure of your innovation) and BAM: You realize that you�ve inherited more from your mother than just her teeth and hands.
Ten years of inactivity in the Church and I still have the same habits that Mom began when I was a child so that we wouldn�t be late for it. Mind-blowing.
It was while I was standing stock-still staring at the dress hanging in my doorway that the phone rang. It was Mom: She and Dad were going to take the trek (a whole hour and a half trip, one way) Sunday morning to visit me.
A visit from the parents is always good, but how do I suggest gently that they wait until the next Saturday to do it?
Should I explain that I had planned on going to Church? Mom would freak out. I didn�t want to make this a Big Deal. Mom would make a Huge Deal out of it if I told her. I had planned on just going. I didn�t want to announce it to the world, as my mother would surely do if I told her. I would then get a zillion calls from family about how great it was that I was Returning. They would all gush over my past bad behavior (which was never bad, I just didn�t go to Church) and how I was turning over a new leaf. Well, I was turning a new leaf, but I didn�t want any fanfare to go with it.
Should I explain to Mom that I was going to church and invite her and Dad to go with me? Well, Mom and Dad became inactive about the same time I did. Dad began going back recently, but Mom has yet to Return herself. Last time I asked Mom to go to Church (about two months ago) she said that she didn�t have anything to wear. We ended up spending all of Sunday in her closet, finally giving up when we realized that Sacrament meeting began an hour before. As much as she wants me to Return, she�s managed to sabotage it twice (once with the closet episode and again with a shopping trip when she knew I had planned on going).
Should I just tell her that I have plans and leave it at that? She�d never accept it, she�d want to know what plans and where.
What did I do? I caved. I didn�t say a word about my plans.
So I put the newly pressed dress and appropriate underwear back in the closet. I placed the quad and Day-Timer back on the shelf.
Mom, Dad and I spent a very nice Sunday together at my house.
I felt like the biggest loser. I watched the clock and winced every time the hour changed. By the time 11:30 came around, I felt like a slug. What happened to my New Life? Where is that new ambition? How about the people I�m going to let in? I didn�t have any answers.
I read somewhere that the first is always the hardest: the first day of school, the first date, the first baby. We may now add to these difficult firsts: the first day back to Church after a prolonged absence.
In the category of Adding Insult to Injury, after my parents left Sunday I checked my mail. I found in the mailbox an invitation to my ten-year high school class reunion.
|
Comments The nice thing about life is that no one really keeps track of your false starts, and you certainly never get disqualified for it. It's not even really a race; it's more of a nature walk, I think. Keep yourself pointed in the right direction, enjoy the scenery, and don't let the brambles in the way get you down. :)
Levi | Homepage | 07.28.03 - 11:43 am No scoring? Good, because the thought of somebody with a scorecard deducting points for each misstep scares me spitless. :) Still... I remember and can't help but tally all those times when I've said I'm going to Return to Church and never have.
Jan Lynn | Homepage | 07.28.03 - 1:10 pm The first time you do something is often the hardest, but you can take comfort in one thing. If you're scared spitless, then it's very unlikely you will drool if you fall asleep in church. dan | Homepage | 07.29.03 - 9:35 am Oh good. As if falling asleep weren't bad enough, I'd hate to drool on my first day back too! ;) Jan Lynn | Homepage | 07.29.03 - 10:04 am
|
Go to August 2003.
Go Home.