Kimberly and Alan walk out of the nearest bar and head down the street. They walk for a long time until they reach a building that causes them to stop.
Kimberly: �Hey, a chapel!�
Alan: �We should get married!�
Kimberly: �What about Monica and Scott?�
Alan: �Who cares? Monica has probably slept with him too.�
Kimberly: (drunk from the drinks earlier that night, and the three beers she just had) �Okay. Let�s get married.�
Alan: �But we don�t have a car.�
Kimberly: �I didn�t know you needed one to get married.�
Alan: �Read the sign.�
Kimberly: �Crazy Pete�s Chapel of Drive-Thru Unity.� She pauses. �We could just walk through the drive-thru.�
Alan: �Okay.�
They head up to the drive-thru window, where a man with a bad toupee is standing, drinking a beer.
Priest: �Hi there! I�m Father Spanks.�
Kimberly: �You�re kidding, right?�
Priest: �Nope. My name is Albert Spanks. So, are you crazy kids looking to get hitched?�
Alan: �Yep. How much does it cost?�
Priest: �Ten bucks. I know it�s a little steep, but you get a complimentary six pack with each wedding, and the bride and groom each get a pair of free wooden clogs.�
Kimberly: �Than by all means, let�s get started. I need a beer.�
Priest: �Okay. Dearly beloved, whoops, there�s no one here! We�re gathered here today blah, blah, blah, you know the drill, okay, do you take each other in health, death and all that nice stuff?�
Alan: �I do.�
Kimberly: �Yeah, I do too. Now do I get my beer?�
Priest: �By the power vested in me, and the state of Nevada, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss your bride.�
Alan and Kimberly lean over and kiss each other.
They pay the priest, get their matching clogs, and head back to the hotel, laughing.
Kimberly: �I guess I�m now Mrs. Kimberly Corday-Baldwin-Quartermaine. Hey, what about Scott? He might be mad about this.�
Alan: �Nah, I doubt it.�
The next morning.
Kimberly, who has a major headache, lets herself into her hotel room. Scott is lying in bed. He stares at her as she walks in.
Scott: �Kimberly, where have you been all night?�
Kimberly: (laughing) �I got married.�
Scott: (not believing her) �Right. Who did you marry?�
Kimberly: �I can�t remember.�
Scott: �You�re obviously drunk, so why don�t you come get into bed?�
Kimberly: �Scott! I got married last night!� She holds up her hand to show him the cheap plastic ring on her middle finger.
Scott: �Whatever you say, Angelface. I think the alcohol is doing the talking.�
Later in the afternoon.
Kimberly and Scott step out of the elevator to meet their friends at the pool.
Kimberly: �Scott, I�m telling you. I got married last night.�
Scott: �You are married. To me, remember?�
Just then, they hear Alan and Monica talking.
Alan: �I swear, Monica, I got married last night.�
Monica: �Oh yeah? To who?�
Alan turns around and sees Kimberly, who is wearing a ring identical to his.
Alan: �You�re the one I married last night?�
Kimberly: (at the same time) �Alan! You?�
Monica and Scott stare at them.
Monica: �You got married to each other last night? Yeah right.�
Alan pulls a piece of paper out of his suit jacket. It�s a marriage license. He hands it to Monica, who reads it, her face growing pale.
Monica; �Oh my God.�
Scott: �Oh my God. You really did get married!�
Kimberly: �See?�
Scott: �Kimberly, did you sleep with him?�
Kimberly: �I don�t think so... Nah, we just went back to Berg�s and had a few beers.�
Alan: �Perfectly harmless. I swear.�
Monica: �How could you marry someone else?�
Just then, Ned, Alexis, Julia and Jax step from the elevator.
Alexis: �What�s going on here?�
Monica: (seething) �Your best friend and my husband got married last night.�
Ned: �You�re kidding, right?�
Alan: �We were drunk.�
Julia: �Is that your defense?�
Kimberly: �We were drunk. Nothing happened.� She shrugs. �Besides, it�s invalid anyways. We�re already married to other people.�
Scott: �That makes me feel a whole lot better.�
Kimberly: �Scott, please.�
Alan: �Monica, just chill. We�re all one big happy family, right?�
Monica: �You can go be your own family.� She storms off.
Alan: �What�s her problem? She acts like I did something stupid!�
Everyone just stares at him in disbelief.
The next evening.
Everything with Scott and Kimberly is good again, and Scott actually is amused at what happened between Kimberly and Alan two days before. Monica, however, is not speaking to Alan or Kimberly.
The Wild Crescent Pub and Eatery. The main strip.
Jerry: �Hey! There�s karaoke here! We should sign up!�
Kimberly: �Oh no. No way. No way whatsoever.�
Jerry: (getting up) �I�m going to go get instructions, okay?�
When he returns, he�s holding four sheets of paper.
Jerry: �We have to perform in groups of three, and can sing one song each.�
Bobbie: �Let�s do it!�
Jax: �Besides, we have the famous Eddie Maine here.�
Ned: (blushing) �Shut up, Jax. But I will do it. Alexis? You in?�
Alexis: �Sure. This may be the champagne talking, but sure.�
Julia: (standing with Ned and Bobbie) �What about the groups?�
Jerry: �Okay, Julia, you pick two people, Ned, you pick two and Bobbie, pick two.�
Julia: �I get Mackenzie and Alexis.�
Ned: �No fair! She�s my wife!�
Julia: �Deal with it. It�s your turn.�
Ned: �Fine. I get Stefan and Jax.�
Bobbie: �Jerry and Scott.�
Jerry: �That means that Kim, Monica and Alan are together.�
Alexis covers her mouth to keep from laughing.
Monica: �If I�m lucky, maybe they�ll start having sex on the stage.� She walks off. �Waiter, a double vodka, straight please.�
Ten minutes later.
Loudspeaker: �And now, we have a performance by a group called �Two Lawyers and a CEO.� From Port Charles, New York, let�s welcome them.�
Ned, Jax and Stefan start laughing at the group�s name as Alexis, Mackenzie and Julia go up to the stage, the spotlight hitting them.
The music to Heaven is a Place on Earth (Belinda Carlisle) begins to play.
All: �Ooh, baby, do you know what that�s worth? Ooh heaven is a place on earth.
They say in heaven, love comes first, we�ll make heaven a place on earth.
Ooh, heaven is a place on earth.�
Julia: �When the night falls down, I wait for you and you come around,
Mackenzie: �And the world�s alight with the sound of kids on the street outside.�
Alexis: �When you walk into the room, you pull me close and we start to move.�
Julia: �And we�re spinning with the stars above, and you lift me up off of the floor.�
All: �Ooh, baby, do you know what that�s worth? Ooh heaven is a place on earth.
They say in heaven, love comes first, we�ll make heaven a place on earth.
Ooh, heaven is a place on earth.�
Mackenzie: �When I feel alone, I reach for you and you pull me home.�
Alexis: �When I�m lost at sea, I hear your voice and it carries me.�
Julia: �In this world, we�re just beginning to understand the miracle of living.�
All: �Baby I was afraid before, I�m not afraid anymore.�
All: �Ooh, baby, do you know what that�s worth? Ooh heaven is a place on earth.
They say in heaven, love comes first, we�ll make heaven a place on earth.
Ooh, heaven is a place on earth.�
The instrumental montage plays as they dance around the little stage.
All: �In this world, we�re just beginning to understand the miracle of living
Baby I was afraid before, I�m not afraid anymore.�
They spin around in a little circle.
All: �Ooh, baby, do you know what that�s worth? Ooh heaven is a place on earth.
They say in heaven, love comes first, we�ll make heaven a place on earth.�
All: �Ooh, heaven is a place on earth, Ooh, heaven is a place on earth, Ooh, heaven is a
place on earth, Ooh, heaven is a place on earth, Ooh, heaven is a place on earth.�
The music ends and everyone applauds loudly.
They take a bow, smug that they didn�t make any mistakes, and go back to their seats.
Ned: (clearly impressed) �You didn�t make any mistakes.�
Stefan: (just a tad drunk) �I�ve never seen such a good performance from three women who have been alternating between champagne and daiquiris all evening.�
Alexis: (laughing) �This from a man who is on mai tai number four?�
Stefan: �I�d never tried �em, but I like �em.�
Loudspeaker: �And now, a group called �The Tequila Brothers.�
Julia: �What a stupid name. Who would ever go by that?�
Just then, Ned, Jax and Stefan stand up and head for the stage, glaring at Julia as they head up there.
They are all quite drunk, and are swaying as they walk to the stage.
They stand on the stage, Ned in the center and Jax and Stefan on either side of him. The music to One Week (Barenaked Ladies) starts.
The guys get a good start on the song.
All: �It�s been one week since you looked at me cocked your head to one side and said
I�m angry. Five days since you laughed at me, saying get that together, come back
and see me. Three days since the living room, I realized it�s all my fault, but
couldn�t tell you. Yesterday you�d forgiven me, but it�ll still be two days till I say
I�m sorry.�
The make a valiant attempt to read the monitor as they sing the fast song.
All: �Hold it now and watch the hoodwink, as I make you stop, think you�ll think you�re
looking at Aquaman I summon fish to the dish, although I like the chalet Swiss,
And I like the sushi, cause it�s never touched a frying pan. Hot like wasabe when I
bust rhymes, big like Leann Rimes, Because I�m all about value. Bert Kaemphert�s
got the mad hits, you try to match wits, You try to hold me back but I bust through.
Gonna make a break and take a fake I�d like a stinkin ache shake I like Vanilla, it�s
the finest of the flavors Gotta see the show cause then you�ll know the Vertigo is
gonna grow Cause it�s so dangerous you�ll have to sign a waver.�
They look at each other in disbelief as they sing. Stefan and Jax glare at Ned, who, in a weak moment, chose the song.
All: �How can I help it if I think you�re funny when you�re mad? Trying hard not to
smile though I feel bad. I�m the kinda guy who laughs a funeral. Can�t understand
what I mean, well you soon will. I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve,
I have a history of taking off my shirt.�
All: (mumbling) �It�s been one week since you looked at me, Threw your arms in the air
and said you�re crazy. Five days since you tackled me, I�ve still got the rug burns on
both my knees. It�s been three days since the afternoon, you realized it�s not my
fault, Not a moment too soon. Yesterday you�d forgiven me, and now I sit back and
wait till you say you�re sorry.�
By this time, they are getting dizzy from the fast scrolling words, and begin to sing the words to that they are at least two and a half lines behind the actual song, but they don�t notice this.
All: �Chickity China, the Chinese chicken, you have a drumstick and your brain stops
Ticking Watching X-Files with no lights on, we�re dans la maison, I hope the
Smoking Man�s in this one. Like Harrison Ford, I�m getting frantic, like Sting I�m
tantric. Like Snickers, guaranteed to satisfy. Like Kurasawa, I make mad films,
okay I don�t make films. But if they did, they�d have a Samurai. Gotta get a set of
clubs gotta find the kind with tiny nubs. Just so my irons aren�t always flying off
the back swing. Gotta get in tune with Sailor Moon cause that cartoon has got the
boom anime babes that make me think the wrong thing.�
In the audience, Alexis, Julia and Mackenzie are in hysterics.
Alan: �They sound like a real band!�
Monica: �Shut up, Alan.�
As Jax, Ned and Stefan go into the chorus, they put their arms around each other and sway back and forth, like they�re holding onto each other for dear life. They now are three verses behind, but not willing to give up.
All: �How can I help it if I think you�re funny when you�re mad? Trying hard not to
smile though I feel bad. I�m the kinda guy who laughs a funeral. Can�t understand
what I mean, well you soon will. I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve, I
have a history of taking off my shirt.�
All: �It�s been one week since you looked at me. Dropped your arms to your sides and
said I�m sorry. Five days since I laughed at you and said you just did what I thought
you were gonna do. Three days since the afternoon, we realized we�re both to
blame, But what could we do? Yesterday you just smiled at me, cause it�ll still be
two days till we say we�re sorry. �
The song ends, and the guys continue to sing until they�re done with the lyrics, then they wipe the sweat off of their foreheads. The audience applauds politely, but the guys don�t notice.
Going back to their seats, they sit down and grin at the women.
Alexis: �That was very interesting, you guys. How many mai tais DID you drink?�
Jax: �I�ve lost the ability to count past three, and I know that it�s more than that.�
Loudspeaker: �And now, the Dancing Pina Coladas.�
Bobbie: �Jerry, Scott, we�re up.�
They go up to the stage and take their places. The music to Miami (Will Smith) blares from the loudspeakers.
Scott: �Here I am in the place where I come to let go and Miami is the place where the
sun sets low. Everyday like a Mardi Gras, everybody parties all day, no work, all
play, okay? So we sip a little something at the party house grill, me and Charlie at
the bill running up a high bill. Nothing less than nil, when we�re dressed to kill.
Everytime the ladies pass, they be like Hi, Will. Y�all feel me? Yeah, all ages and
races. Real sweet faces, every different nation Spanish, Asian, Indian, Jamaican,
black, white, Cuban and Asian. I only came for two days of playing, but everytime
I come I always wind up staying. Just the type of town I can spend a few days in,
Miami the city that keeps the roof blazing.�
Bobbie, Scott and Jerry: �Party in the city, where the heat is on. All night on the beach till the
break of dawn.�
Bobbie: �Welcome to Miami, en venenyo en Miami�
Bobbie, Scott and Jerry: �Bounding in the club where the heat is on. All night on the beach till the
break of dawn. I�m going to Miami, welcome to Miami�
Jerry: �Now I�ve heard the rainstorms ain�t nothing to mess with, but I can�t feel the drip
from the strip, it�s a trip, ladies half dressed fully equipped, and they be screaming
out, Will we loved your last hit. Now cash in and flow with this fashion show,
pound for pound everywhere we go, yo, ain�t no city in the world like this, and if
you ask how I know, I gots to plead the fifth. Miami.
Bobbie, Jerry and Scott: �Party in the city, where the heat is on. All night on the beach till the
break of dawn.�
Bobbie: �Welcome to Miami, en venenyo en Miami�
Bobbie, Jerry and Scott: �Bounding in the club where the heat is on. All night on the beach till the
break of dawn. I�m going to Miami, welcome to Miami.�
Bobbie: �Now don�t get me wrong, Chi town got it going on, and New York is the city
that we know don�t sleep and we all know that LA and Philly stay jiggy, but on
the snake, Miami bringing heat for real. Y�all don�t understand, I�ve never seen
so many half dressed women with cinnamon tans, introducing the plan, take a
walk on the beach, draw a heart in the sand, give me your hand, damn you look
sexy, let�s go to my yacht in the West Keys, ride my jet skies, lounge under the
palm trees, cause you�ve got to have cheese for the summer house lees on South
Beach. Water so clear you can see to the bottom, hundred thousand dollar cars,
everybody�s got them. Ain�t no surprise in the club that sees Sly Stalone,
Miami, my second home, Miami..�
When Bobbie finishes, Alexis, Monica, Julia, Kimberly and Mackenzie scream and clap for her. On the stage, she grins.
Jerry and Scott: �Party in the city, where the heat is on. All night on the beach till the
break of dawn.�
Bobbie: �Welcome to Miami, en venenyo en Miami.�
Jerry and Scott: �Bounding in the club where the heat is on. All night on the beach till the
break of dawn. I�m going to Miami, welcome to Miami.�
All: �Party in the city where the heat is on.�
Everyone claps for them as they bow, and then they return to their seats.
Mackenzie: �That was awesome!�
Alan: �Nope. We�re going to be better.�
Monica: �I doubt that.�
Alan: �Nope. We�re going to be the best!�
Loudspeaker: (the guy laughing) �And now, here�s I Love Luggage!�
Alan and Kimberly stand up and race to the stage. Monica follows them, looking morose.
The chords to I will Always Love You (Whitney Houston) begin.
Monica just glares at Kimberly and Alan as they grin at the audience.
Alan and Kimberly: �If I should stay I would only be in your way. So I�ll go but I know
I�ll think of you every step of the way. And I will always love you,
will always love you. my darling you.�
Alan and Kimberly: (a smite drunk) �Bittersweet memories, that is all I am taking with
me. So goodbye, please don�t cry, we both know I�m not what you
need. And I will always love you, I will always love you.�
As the instrumental montage starts, they dance together like a tango. When the music starts, they sing at the top of their lungs.
Alan and Kimberly: �I hope life treats you kind and I hope you have all you dreamed of.
And I wish you joy & happiness, but above all this, I wish you love.�
Loudspeaker: (to Monica, who is standing there with her arms folded) �Hey Blondie, if you don�t sing, get off of the stage!�
Monica: �Fine.� She storms off of the stage and out of the bar.
Her friends watch her go, but on the stage, Kimberly and Alan don�t even notice as they put their arms around each other and sway as they finish the song.
Alan and Kimberly: �And I will always love you, I will always love you. I will always
love you, I will always love you. I will always love you, I will
always love you. Ooh darling I love you, I will always love you.�
The song ends and everyone claps politely.
Alan: (going over to the table) �We told you that we would rock!�
Jax: �And you sure rocked something. Your marriage.�
Alan: (stupidly) �Which one?�
Ned: �I�m going to go with the one with the wife who stomped out of here in a rage.�
Alan: �Oh, she�ll cool off.�
Alexis: (with gritted teeth) �Kim, can we talk to you for a minute?�
Kimberly: �I suppose.�
Julia and Alexis lead Kimberly across the room.
Kimberly: �So, what�s up?�
Julia: �What the hell do you think you�re doing?�
Kimberly: �What are you talking about?�
Alexis: �What is going on between you and Alan?�
Kimberly: �Nothing. I�m just having fun!�
Julia: �Are you aware that you�re married to Scott?�
Kimberly: �Julia, you have no right to lecture me. You aren�t even married!�
Julia: (smiling) �And?�
Alexis: �Kim, I suggest that you knock it off. Scott is not amused.�
Kimberly: �Alexis, why don�t you shut your mouth? You�re hardly one to give marital advice!�
Alexis: (seething) �Meaning?�
Kimberly: �Meaning that you are the most unsexual person I�ve ever met.�
Alexis: �You would be surprised at some of thing things Ned and I have done.�
Kimberly: �I sincerely doubt that.�
Julia: �Both of you, knock it off!� she glares at Kimberly. �Try to remember that your marriage to Alan is invalid. You are married to Scott.�
Kimberly stomps off and Julia and Alexis exchange a half amused, half mad look.
Later. Caesar�s Palace. The casino.
Ned: �I can�t believe that you have never seen a slot machine.�
Alexis: �Stefan would think that they were tacky.�
Ned: �I doubt that after his fifth mai tai, he would think anything coherent.�
Alexis: �I know. I can�t believe how he is acting!�
Ned: �You mean normal?�
Alexis laughs and pulls the lever on the slot machine. Lights start to go off and money pours from the machine. She looks shocked.
Ned: �You won!�
Alexis: �I did?� she smiles. �I like this game.�
Ned: �Give it another try.� He wraps his arms around her waist as she puts in a quarter and pulls the lever.
Nothing happens.
Alexis: (disappointed) �I didn�t win!�
Ned: (suggestively) �Would you like me to console you?�
Alexis: �Only if we can take it upstairs.�
Ned: �Lead the way.�
Alexis scoops her winnings into her purse and they head for the elevator, holding hands.
Inside the empty elevator, Ned pushes Alexis up against the wall and kisses her soundly, his hand roaming down to her backside. He holds her tightly against him.
Alexis: (barely coherent) �Ned, no... not here...�
Ned: (breathing hard, his mouth next to hers) �Why not here?� he kisses her again. �Alexis, if I don�t have you right now, I�m doing to die.�
Alexis: (kissing him back) �Well, I wouldn�t want to be widowed at such a young age...�
She reaches over and pulls the button that makes the elevator stop.
Ned unzips her black pants and pushes them off, as she undoes the buttons on his shirt, and they quickly remove the rest of their clothes.
Alexis falls to the floor and pulls Ned down on top of her. They begin to make love, fighting to keep quiet.
Alexis: (letting a sound escape her) �Oh, Ned.�
Ned: (moaning) �Oh God, Alexis.�
Just then, they hear voices outside and freeze.
Voice: �Where is the elevator? It isn�t supposed to be this slow.�
Alexis: (whispering) �Oh no. That�s Stefan out there.�
Voice #2: �Maybe we should call maintenance.�
Ned: (whispering) �And Mackenzie.� He can�t help laughing. �I love our siblings.�
Alexis: �We must have stopped right at on a floor.� She starts laughing.
Stefan: (outside) �I hear someone laughing. There must be people inside.�
Mackenzie: �Are you okay in there? Who is in there?�
Ned: (continuing to make love to Alexis, in a fake Spanish accent) �Pedro.�
Alexis starts laughing under her breath as Ned kisses her again.
Stefan: �Well, Pedro, we�ll get you out of there soon.�
Ned: (fake accent) �Do not hurry please. I am in no rush.�
Mackenzie: �Why not? It�s one in the morning.�
Ned: (fake accent) �Pedro is fine. Just fine.� He begins to kiss down Alexis� body.
Voice #3: �Can I help you folks? You look lost.�
Mackenzie: �Actually, there is a man stuck in there. His name is Pedro something.�
Maintenance man: �Okay. I can fix this. Just a sec. My keys are downstairs.�
Ned and Alexis, who are still making love, don�t hear the man talking.
Ten minutes later, the man pulls out a key and unlocks the emergency release. The doors pop open.
Standing in the elevator, fully dressed, are Ned and Alexis.
Stefan: (surprised) �You�re Pedro?�
Ned: (blushing) �Yeah.�
Mackenzie: �What were you doing in there?�
Alexis: (as they step out of the elevator) �The elevator just stopped for some reason.�
Stefan: �Then why are you blushing?�
Mackenzie: �By the way, Alexis, your shirt is buttoned crookedly.�
Alexis blushes a deep shade of red as Stefan and Mackenzie laugh.
Stefan: �I think it�s safe to say that you two weren�t just talking in the elevator?�
Ned: �Stefan...�
Mackenzie: �How erotic.� She wiggles her eyebrows. �Very interesting.�
Alexis: �Swear that you won�t say anything to anyone. Especially Kim and Scott.�
Stefan: (laughing) �I swear. But after this, I think we�ll use the stairs to get to our room.�
Ned: (trying to not laugh) �Fine. But don�t say anything.�
Mackenzie: �We won�t. Goodnight, Alexis, Ned, or should I call you Pedro?� They all start laughing as She and Stefan walk off down the hall.
Ned and Alexis get back into the elevator and head to their room. Neither of them says anything until they are inside their suite.
Alexis: (as Ned closes the door) �I can�t believe this!�
Ned: �Aw, you loved it!�
Alexis: �Getting caught having sex in an elevator by my brother and your sister?� she laughs. �I don�t think so.�
Ned: �Come here.�
Alexis goes over to him and he puts his arms around her and holds her against him.
Ned: �I love you, Alexis. More than anything in the world.� He looks down at her. �You, Avery and Hannah are all that matter to me.�
Alexis: �Me too.� She laughs. �And if it means that we have to get caught making love in an elevator, than too bad for Stefan and Mackenzie for being there. Because I love you so much. You blind me to everything but your love.�
Ned: �Shall we pick up where we left off in the elevator, Mrs. Ashton?�
Alexis: �I would be honored to, Pedro.� She laughs as he glares at her.
Ned sweeps Alexis into his arms and they head into the bedroom, where there are no words spoken for a long time, and they don�t come out for the rest of the night.