11-01-00 Eastern Echo

Horoscopes are my hope for meaningful employment

I sat down with the newspaper the other day and realized I had missed my calling. No, I don't think I'd make a very good investigative reporter. It was the horoscopes that caught my attention. My horoscope read, "Your hidden talents could provide you with the financial security you desire. Reach deep and help others find the true path toward enlightenment." So here it is. Send me $100 dollars if you feel I've transformed your world into something meaningful. � If today is your birthday: Congratulations! You are one year older. Spend the day with a person you love and make them pay for everything. Then beg them for sex. Birthday cake is a versatile lubricant. � Scorpio (Oct 24 to Nov 22) Your hypersexual nature is well known in the world of astrology. (And the rest of the universe.) If you can't keep your pants on tonight you should at least try to find a partner to share the joy with. Your mother found those magazines/toys under your bed. Remember to buy more tissue. (And you're out of milk, too.) � Sagittarius (Nov 23 to Dec 21) Today is a day to celebrate! It doesn't matter what you celebrate, pick anything that sounds remotely joyous. Possibilities: Good hair day! It's not raining! My nails are growing! Don't go to class at all today. Or tomorrow. Everything will work out for the best. The stars are saying it's time to have a little accident at work. No problem, now you can apply for Disability. � Capricorn (Dec 22 to Jan 20) No matter what you do today it will turn out badly. Even though you are an ambitious person it doesn't mean you will succeed. Be practical and get a job at Burger King. You need a haircut, but don't pay some hack at BoRic's $12. Do it yourself and you will find that people are drawn to you. (Or at least they will stare.) � Aquarius (Jan 21 to Feb 19) You are unemotional and obstinate today, just like yesterday and the day before and the day before that, etc. Watch out for someone trying to take away your independence, it might have something to do with that small child you ran over speeding to class/work. Buy a book on feng shui and learn to control your destiny through the manipulation of furniture. � Pisces (Feb 20 to March 20) You are too nice for your own good. Get real. Being nice makes you a doormat; so pick yourself up and turn over...you're already dirty on that side. Don't let anybody tell you what to do, but I'm telling you to send that $100 right now, pronto, or I'll make sure that Nader loses the election. � Aries (March 21 to April 20) You have a tendency to be selfish and quick-tempered. Stop that. Use your quick wit today to annoy a professor or co-worker and then set fire to a garbage can in the bathroom. No one will question your right to a bonfire in November. Call your mother to explain why you decided to leave school. � Taurus (April 21 to May 21) Your self-indulgent nature will cause you to overeat today. Buy some antacids at the Union and eat the whole pack. Someone you love is spreading terrible rumors about you. I'm not telling you who they are. Watch out for small animals carrying large weapons. � Gemini (May 22 to June 21) Today your instincts will tell you to do something. Ignore that instinct and do just the opposite. You have a youthful personality, but those Hello Kitty T-shirts are downright juvenile, lose them (especially if you're a guy). Try not to stare at yourself in mirrors. Eat cheese for lunch. � Cancer (June 22 to July 22) Your friends are afraid to tell you that your mood swings are annoying. I'm not afraid to tell you. Get some Prozac and chill out. You'll get a call from an attractive stranger--it'll be for your roommate. Eat sushi for dinner, then go directly to the ER. Wait for several hours before vomiting on the waiting room floor. � Leo (July 23 to Aug 22) The patronizing way you treat everyone will work in your favor today. A person you are attracted to will notice your intolerant nature and write your name in their notebook. Look for a special firebomb in your mailbox after dark. Buy a fire extinguisher. Be sure to repay those who give you good advice, $100 bills are preferred. � Virgo (Aug 23 to Sept 23) You are a hard worker, but your efforts today will fall far short of perfect. Don't worry too much about it, because next week there is something special in the stars for you. Hospital food isn't that bad. Buy new underwear. Don't be shy today, model your new underwear for your friends and complete strangers. Who says you're a conservative?! � Libra (Sept 24 to Oct 23) People say you're gullible, but that isn't true. If you send me an additional $200 dollars I will tell you how you can meet the person of your dreams and create world peace. Wear blue today and wink at the person who sits next to you at lunch. Wad up a sock and place it somewhere inside your clothing where there should be no bulge. Enjoy being the center of attention. � You can send your check or money order to Linda Haffey at 18B Goddard, Ypsilanti MI 48197. She will also accept Flooz�, internet currency, at [email protected]. �