09-01-99 Eastern Echo

Inquiry, introspection, and finding the path

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. Oliver Wendell Holmes � The start of a new school year typically prompts me to review and evaluate my life goals, those that are academic and those that are personal. And often, I find myself at a loss. I'm an introspective person, so personal inquiry is a way of life for me. Writing this column is only one facet of my nature but in a way defines my entire personality. It gives me the opportunity to muse, aloud, about the happenings in my mind and in my life. Can this self-analysis be a career, a goal to be hunted down and placed like a trophy on the wall in my den? Not likely, but it is a pleasant release, sitting before my computer screen, searching for a spark of inquiry that might become a discourse interesting enough to share with others. And for every topic that shows up in my work, there are twenty or more that I have discarded. *Thinking* is my job, writing down the interesting bits is a gratifying past-time. Living mindfully, or staying in touch with that part of me that wants to know "Why?" or "Who am I?" or "Where am I going?" isn't always about finding the answers to these philosophical questions. Mindful living is as much about considering those questions as it is expecting to find an answer to them. And truthfully, who can say they know who they are, where they are going? Life isn't a straight path we follow, and getting lost often presents us with more important discoveries that teach us something we didn't know about ourselves. I've come to understand things about myself that once embarrassed me. The essence of my nature that so exasperated my teachers (and myself) when I was younger is what now fuels my ability to write this column---I'm a daydreamer, not a goal setter. So when I try to evaluate my goals for the future I find myself stymied. Daily living has taught me that my life must be lived moment to moment, not without concern or planning for the future, but allowed to flow placidly by as I bob in its wake. This is the best method I have found to learn. Opposition (planning) requires force, and forcing thought or inquiry is like trying to shovel air into a bucket. How do I set goals for myself when I don't know where I'm going? I'm sure that must be a concern for a lot of people, especially young people, who haven't experienced much of life yet. For those who are nearing the end of their academic career this thought can be particularly frightening. What do I say when someone asks me what I want to do when I graduate? A writer, I sometimes say, with tongue firmly in cheek. What kind of writer, they always ask. And I want to say "One who puts words on paper for other people to read." Because I don't know what I want to do. Is that a lack of vision on my part? This inability to put myself into a category, to find a niche that I will fit into nicely, can seem to others like a lack of direction. It isn't. I have direction. It just happens to have a breadth of focus more like the nozzle on a garden hose set to "spray" and not "stream." Finding purpose in life has never been a problem for me. I'm one of those people who can find myself flying off on a tangent at any given moment, chasing a new dream or interest, giving up easily when the novelty wears off. So much interests me, perhaps too much interests me. This degree I'm working toward will take me at least two semesters longer than it should. Why? Because I find classes, and subjects, that catch my eye and interest, and I absolutely must take them. My scholarships will run out long before I can complete the requirements of my degree. But it is my nature. To search for, and experience, and contemplate, subjects that interest me. A daydreamer's daydream, to follow a thought's path to its end---rejoicing in every fork in the road, every dead end, every switchback encountered, and finding truths in the meandering that can be held closely to my heart as souvenirs of the journey. Walt Whitman, in Leaves of Grass, said "I am large; I contain multitudes." Shouldn't that be a goal we all aspire to? To be LARGE. �