The Long Way Home
Well
that's just great Miller. What the fuck
was I thinking getting that close to him?
I saw the look earlier. The way the heat in eyes flared as his gaze
traveled my body. I knew if I got close enough
he'd make a move and what did I do? I
let him. But Jesus it felt good.
It
felt so good to feel him close to me. His skin against mine, the need that
poured out of him when I kissed him. The
way his mouth opened under mine giving everything so freely.
Fuck.
I pick my shirt up off the floor with shaking hands. I have to try three times before successfully
buttoning my shirt and tucking it in. I
re-pack my duffle and wait for him on the couch. I don't delude myself into thinking that I
don't know exactly what he's doing in that shower. Hell, if I hadn't already had one I'd be in
there doing the same thing.
Against
my better judgment I go to the bathroom door.
Pressing myself against the door I listen to the sound of falling
water. After several seconds of nothing
I think that maybe I was wrong. Then I
hear it. The small soft gasp of my
name. I close my eyes and battle the instinct
telling me to open the door and just go in there.
Go
in there and touch and feel and give pleasure.
The hour we spent talking gave me so much insight to the being that is
Xander Harris. He's fierce and loyal and
funny and so God Damn sexy it makes my knees weak. When he smiles his face lights up and
happiness shines out of his eyes like a beacon.
Twenty-two years on the Hellmouth and still he's able to retain an
innocence that should have been lost long ago.
I
hear the water shut off and step back from the door with a sigh. Resettling myself on the couch I wait for him
finish dressing. Too soon he's by my
side.
"Ready?"
"No."
I
feel his hand on my shoulder and I cover it with mine.
"Graham..."
I
squeeze his hand to silence him.
"Don't. I don't have the right to ask when I can't
even tell you where I am most of the time and even if I could I'd have to deny
it to those around me and..."
I
feel his hand turn under mine lacing our fingers together. I hate this.
I hate the fact that I finally might have a chance at something good and
it's slipping through my fingers. I hate
the fact that I have to hide who I am from everyone around me.
"It's
okay, I know. I just...if you
ever...I'll be here. Just know
that."
I
hate the fact that he's so understanding.
I hate the fact that I'm a coward, too scared to take what I want. To take the chance and find out if it would
be as good as I imagine it could be. I
squeeze his hand once more before releasing him. Standing I grab my duffle and bag of body
parts not meeting his eyes. I'm afraid
that if I look into his face Riley is going to be reporting me AWOL.
The
trip to Buffy's is made in silence, both of us reflecting on what could have
been. When we pull up out front, Buffy
and Riley are both standing on the sidewalk.
Riley loads his bags into the trunk and then slides into the back next
to Buffy.
Xander
agreed to take us to the pick up site.
When we get to the helipad everything in my body screams to just stay in
the car, take a dishonorable discharge and leave all that shit behind. Start over, start over with Xander. Knowing I can't, I sigh heavily and get out
of the car. I watch as Buffy hugs Riley
before getting in on the passenger side.
Riley turns to Xander.
"Thanks
for the ride. Take care of her and
you."
He
holds his hand out and Xander takes it.
God, can I stand to shake his hand after having his body flush against
mine, his tongue in my mouth. Can I
settle for a handshake? Riley gives us
both a once over and starts walking for the chopper.
I
want to kiss him. I want to pour my
heart into a kiss that he'll never forget.
My eyes flicker from his mouth to his eyes. I don't have the guts, not in front of Riley
and Buffy and the pilots on the chopper so I hold my hand out instead.
I
watch the brief flash of hurt in his eyes and I let my gaze flicker to the
chopper. Recognition flashes across his
face. He takes my hand and I stifle a
moan at the feel of his finger softly caressing my wrist.
"I'm
sor-"
"Don't. Just...just be careful and maybe someday find
your way back."
I
nod, unable to speak around the lump in my throat. Releasing his hand I grab my
pack and the bag of parts and turn from him.
I'm
halfway to the chopper when I hear his voice.
"Graham,
wait."
I
turn and with three more step he's standing before me. His eyes flicker quickly to the waiting
chopper and back. He mouths the words
sorry just before his lips crashes against mine. I drop the bags and bring my arms around him
as his tongue pushes forcefully into my mouth.
He moans into my mouth as my fingers scrape against his scalp fusing our
mouths together as our tongues duel for control.
I
let everything I feel for him bleed into that kiss. Want, need, regret, hope, love. He sucks my lower lip into his mouth briefly
before pulling back and resting his forehead against mine. With one more quick kiss he's gone and I feel
empty again. He doesn't look back as he
jogs to his car, gets in and drives away.
Picking
up the bags I head toward the chopper again.
Finn's got a grin on his face the size of the
"What's
the problem up there gentlemen?"
Both
of their mouths snap shut and their heads swing forward again.
"Not
a thing, sir."
"That's
what I thought."
I
settle myself in the seat next to Riley and the grin is back. He opens his mouth to speak.
"Not
a word Finn, not one single word."
I
hear him laugh as we lift off. I can't
believe I just kissed Xander Harris in front of my CO. Jesus, I'm a putz.
"Not
a word about what Lt. Miller, I didn't see a thing."
~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~
I'm
typing the report on the Sunnydale trip when Riley slips a piece of paper
across the keyboard.
"What's
this?"
"Xander's
e-mail address."
"
"Gray,
look I've shut up before but I'm not doing it this time. After I say this you can walk away and forget
all about it if you want but I gotta say it."
I
lean back in my chair. I'll let him have
this once and then so help me God I'll deck him if I hear another single
syllable.
"I
saw that kiss Gray. I saw the look on
your face when you turned around. I saw
the way he looked at you, and you at him when we were standing at the car. Don't throw this away. How many years of your life have you given to
the Corp? How much have you given up?
When it is your turn Graham? Take
the chance."
He
turns to go but stops at the door.
"He
wants you Graham. He'd be waiting for
you when you get out of here if you gave him the chance."
I
stand up and face him.
"How
fair is that to him, Riley? How fair is
it when I can't ever tell him where I am?
How fair is it that I can't tell anyone where I go on leave, that I have
to hide him? How fair is it that if
something happens to me he won't get the same rights and respectful treatment
as the wives and girlfriends of the others guys? How can I ask him to wait for me when God
only knows when I'll get out of here?"
His
voice is gentle when he speaks to me.
"Shouldn't
that be his decision? Shouldn't he get
some say? Maybe none of that matters when
faced with the idea of not having you at all."
I
fall back into my chair coving my face with my hands and lean my elbows against
my knees. Dropping my hands I look at
Riley.
"God,
Ri, this is so fucked up. How can I feel
this way about him? I can count the
number of conversations we've ever had on one hand, but I can't get him out of
my mind. He's been there for three years
and now it's just worse."
"You
know, it's okay to talk to me about this.
I'm your friend before your CO. I
don't think any less of you because you fell in love with a guy. I mean Xander's a nice guy, you could do a
lot worse."
"Is
it love or am I just horny."
He
laughs and pulls a chair up in front of mine.
"I
think a little of both if the looks you two were firing at each other is any
indication. Look, I can't guarantee you
it's going to be perfect, but use this.
Find out. What have you got to
lose? Besides that you're up for
discharge in six months. Nobody says you
have to re-up."
He
places the piece of paper in my hand and leaves. I turn back to the computer
and finish the report. I pick up the
paper and run my fingers across it.
Telling my brain to shut up I bring up my hotmail account and follow my
heart for the first time in ten years.