Living Arrangements
Fuck. I had my chance and I let it go. He was right there, right bloody there and
what did I do? Not a thing that's
what. And just why didn't I? Because I've turned into my ponce of a Sire,
that's why. Too much thinking and not
enough acting. A year ago I would have
just grabbed him, pinned him against the wall and kissed him until he didn't
know his own name. But now, now I worry
about his reaction, I worry that he won't want me here anymore and I can't bear
to think about my unlife without him.
‘Sides
that, I like it here. Best thing that
ever happened was the crypt burning to the ground. 'Course the best thing about here is
Xander. When I first came back I knew I
had the biggest hurdle with him. I knew
Dawn would be the easiest, and Buffy right behind her. All I really had to do was flash my tortured
eyes at her and she forgave me almost instantly. It's not that I wasn't sorry, I was, just
glad that it was all over. Learned my
lesson, I did. Spent the three months I
was away examining every thing I had done in the past three years. Realized that I did love her, but it really
was a fucked up mess. She's got no
business with me and I've not business with her. Finally just let it go, let it die like I
should have done in the beginning.
But
Xander, I can't stay away from. Can't
stop thinking about him. Bloody dreaming
about him every day. The way his whole
face lights up when he smiles. They way
his body moves when he's working. The
way his tongue peeks out of his mouth when he concentrates really hard. I don't think I've ever wanted anyone as much
as I want him. The ache of needing to
feel him against me turns me inside out.
It's a dangerous train of thought, that, falling for the boy. Tried so hard not to. Convinced myself I was just lonely, just
needed someone to want me.
Even
went so far as to accept an invitation from a dark haired beauty one night
after work. When I yelled Xander's name
as I came I knew I was lost. Not to
mention quickly kicked out bed. Bad
manners that, calling someone else's name in bed. I didn't go home until almost sunrise that
morning. Spent the whole night walking
around town analyzing what I was feeling.
Realized it wasn't transference or convenience. It was him I wanted, him I needed.
I
sigh knowing it's a lost cause. I don't
think I've ever met a more heterosexual person in my entire existence. He doesn't want me. Someone to talk to that doesn't have breasts,
yeah. But anything more than that is out
of the question. It damn near kills me
to watch him flirt with the girls he meets on the occasional nights he comes to
work with me. The ten thousand watt
smiles he gives them. The way his hands
will reach out and settle against their backs as he dances with them.
I
want him to hold me like that. I shake
my head at what a sap I've become.
Rinsing out my mug I place it in the sink and shut off the lights. I stop outside his bedroom door and listen to
the sounds of him sleep. My hand falls
to the doorknob. Just a little peek
before I go to bed.
I
open his door noiselessly and lean against the doorframe watching him. Fuck, he's beautiful. Lying on his back, one arm across his chest,
the other above his head. He shifts and
for a second I'm frozen in place thinking that he woke up and saw me. I listen closely to the sound of his
heart. No change in the rhythm so I know
he's not awake. I hear a soft moan
leave his lips and the sound travels though my body straight to my cock. He kicks off the covers and the smell of his
arousal hits me.
I
bite my tongue to keep from moaning out loud as the smell of him surrounds
me. I wonder which one he's dreaming
about. Desperately trying to squash the
sizzle of disappointment that settles over me.
God, how I want it to be me. I
watch his hips shift restlessly against the bed. He moans again, louder this time and my cock
swells to painful hardness.
I
need to leave before I lose my resolve not to touch him. Through his eyelids I see his eyes shift back
and forth in REM sleep. His hiss of
pleasure brings my attention back to his lower body. His hips are sliding to and fro faster
now. I can see how hard he is through
the thin material of his sweat pants and I lick my lips desperately wanting to
be able to taste him.
Watching
through heavy lidded eyes I see his back arch, see his body go rigid seconds
before his orgasm takes him and he falls bonelessly back onto the bed still
sound asleep.
With
an inaudible sigh I back out the door closing it softly behind me. Time for a shower and little private time
with my hand.