Living Arrangements

 

I sit outside Buffy's house waiting for her and Willow to get back.  I knew what was going to happen but I didn't expect it to hurt this much.  Christ but I fucked up this time.  I hear them coming up the street, their voices hushed, too low for even me to hear.  Standing, I curse the nervous energy that makes me shift from foot to foot.

 

They both stop dead when they see me.  Neither knows quite what to say, hell even I don't know what to say.  Suddenly Willow breaks the silence as she ushers me into the house.  Ever the little mother Willow is, always trying to fix everything.

 

I sit on Buffy's couch, head in my hands, whole body shaking, fighting the breakdown I can't seem to stop.  I feel soft hands close over mine and I look up into Buffy's tear stained face; her sympathy and understanding for me shining brightly in her eyes.  I lose the last bit of self-control I had left. Letting my eyes fall closed I feel the wetness slide down my face as I pull her to me. 

 

I bury my head in her stomach as sobs wrack my body.  Her fingers card through my hair as she lets me cry.  I don't see or hear Willow enter the room followed closely by a sleep wakened Dawn.  I only realize their presence when I feel warm arms close around my shoulders and waist. Dawn on my right, Willow on my left.

 

I almost laugh at the irony of being surrounded by beautiful women who want nothing more to comfort me and all I can think of is how much I want them to be Xander. 

 

I pull away from their arms and settle back against the couch.  Buffy shoves a handful of Kleenex at me before sitting in the chair across from the couch. 

 

"You should hate me as much as he does."

 

"We should, we don't."  

 

"It'll be okay Spike. Xander won't stay mad forever."

 

I can't help but smile at Dawn's teenage optimism. She's right on one front, he won't stay angry for eternity, but by the time he loses the anger he'll have moved on far beyond me.  The thought almost splits me wide open, the pain searing my entire body.

 

"I need you to keep Xander out of the apartment tomorrow night.  I need to pack."

 

I watch as three sets of eyes suddenly turn down to the floor not bothering to argue with me. They know I'm right by leaving. 

 

"Spike, w-why...if you knew it was going to be like this, why did you do it?"

 

"Had to Red, couldn't stand to live in a world without him, even if it's a world where he hates me."

 

 

"Spike, Xander loves you.  Yeah, he's mad but he's Xander and he'll get over it.  You have to fight for him."

 

"I've turned him into everything he hates.  I can't push him it'll only make things worse.  If it turns around he has to come to me.  I just came to ask you to keep him out tomorrow night."

 

Buffy stands to block my exit from the living room.

 

"Where are you going?"

 

"Get a hotel, a shower, sleep."

 

"Yeah and what happens when the maid opens the curtains while she's cleaning?  You're not going anywhere you're staying here.  You can have my room, I'll bunk with Willow."

 

"I can't-"

 

"It's not open to debate."

 

I look at the three faces staring at me.  What did I eventually do right to deserve their love and friendship?  I heave a sigh knowing full well I won't be leaving tonight.

 

"He'll be able to smell me here, smell me on all of you and he'll be angry."

 

"We'll deal."

 

"You don't understand.  There are things going on in his body he doesn't understand.  He'll be jealous, even though he won't know that's what it is.  The blood running though him wants me and he's repressing it.  He'll take it out on you."

 

"So you'll tell us what to expect and like I said we'll deal."

 

I look at Dawn then back to Buffy.  With a nod of my head I head toward the kitchen waiting to speak until she step in behind me.

 

"I think 'bit should go back to bed."

 

"Spike, she's sixteen almost seventeen, at her age I was..."

 

"This is different, this is...men."

 

"Do you think she believes you and Xander lead a sex free life?  She probably knows more than I do."

 

I see the slight blush staining her face as she ducks her head.  I can't stop the softness that invades me at her look.  I loved this girl once and that's not something I can forget easily.  I cup her cheek and bring her eyes to mine.

 

"She doesn't, I'm sure."

 

I smile at her wolfishly and she smacks me in the arm.

 

"Spike!  Dawn can handle it just don't get to graphic. She might be able to handle it but I'm not sure I can."

 

I nod at her and we re-enter the living room.

 

They look at me expectantly and I start to pace.  Vampirism 101 here it goes.

 

"The soul doesn't replace the demon it just tames it.  The first thing you need to know is that the bond between Sire and Childe runs deeper than blood.  Usually the first acts following re-awaking are the exchange blood and fu--sex.  It strengthens the bond.  Although I managed to get enough of my blood into Xander to keep him from being a minion he didn't experience the rest.  His body will crave it, his demon will crave it and he's doing his best to shut that out; he may succeed, he may not.  As long as he continues to shut it out he'll react to my smell and that reaction may not always be pleasant."

 

"Would he hurt us?"

 

"I don't think so, but he may avoid you.  Willow especially."

 

She starts to speak and I silence her with a shake of my head.

 

"Willow is his best friend and the soul of Xander knows that. He'll immediately seek her out for comfort, but the demon will smell me and twist that in his mind.  He'll imagine a whole bloody movie filled with images of why she smells like me.  Red, he's jealous of us.  Has been since I came back.  I could smell it on him occasionally before Xander and I became lovers and I chalked it up to his fear of losing you.  I didn't figure out until after, that he was jealous of you with me.  His demon will hold tight to the image of his lover and his best friend betraying him in the worst possible way." 

 

 

"But we're not...I m-mean I'm..."

 

"His rational mind knows that, but he's a demon now, even with the soul.  He's still a demon, don't forget that and don't underestimate it."

 

"So we'll shower more."

 

"It won't help, the smell is an imprint.  It's underlying and nothing washes it away."

 

My eyes meet Buffy's and she realizes my meaning.  Xander will want to avoid Willow but his instincts will want him to fight Buffy.

 

"He's going to come after me isn't he?"

 

"I think his friendship with you will keep him from trying anything serious, but he's going to antagonize you.  He'll be unable to stop from picking fights with you.  He won't understand and it will add to his confusion.  Just be prepared."

 

"Dawn will be the safest and most likely his closest ally.  My smell on her radiates protection.  The innocence of it will calm his demon and bring him the most peace.  Try to have Dawn around whenever you're with him.  She'll calm the other emotions."

 

"Great, so I'm Xander's woobie."

 

"No.  You'll be his sanity and his voice of reason."

 

I watch the determination creep across her face.  So young.  She's so young to have this life thrust upon her.  Slayer for a sister.  Witches, vampires and demons for friends.  She's grown up so much this last year, maturity replacing juvenile tendencies.  She'll be the one to keep my Xander safe until he comes home to me.

 

"That's it for now.  Be prepared for anything and everything."

 

"Where will you be?"

 

The word lost radiates in my brain and too late I realize I've said it out loud when I hear three heart breaking sighs.

 

"Tomorrow I'll look for an apartment, something I can lease month to month."

 

"Uh, Spike, Vampire." Willows voice is soft with regret.

 

"Got an identity now don't I?  Job to boot.  Hell I've even got credit cards."

 

 Buffy stands, the control freak in her coming to the forefront.

 

"What we all need right now is sleep.  We've only got a few hours until sunrise.  Dawn you can stay home from school tomorrow, but Wednesday you're back on schedule.  Wills you get the extra comforters from the closet to hang over the windows in my room.  I'll move a few of my things into your room."

 

Dawn tugs my arm, obviously wanting to get me alone.  Once in Buffy's room Dawn closes the door.

 

"Do you want me to say with you tonight?"

 

"Nah, 'bit you get some sleep."

 

"Okay, just remember I'm only down the hall if you need anything and Spike don't worry, Xander really does love you.  You'll be back together soon."

 

I nod my head at her.  I'd give everything I've got to believe her.  I haven't slept alone in over six months and I wonder how I'm going to start now.

 

 

Chapter 12

 

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