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Ya so as I said before she liked me but I was with Joueliz...and I just think I came into her life at a bad time also...and just made things worse for her than better...and thats all I really wanted...Was to make her life better and happier...so if she is happier without me...Than so be it...Even tho it kinda sucks...I'd rather her be happy than me...But ANYWHO....I think of her all the time...I dream of her everynite...and it's sad...I always think to myself...Is love at first sight an illusion, a hope or a dream�or is it real�does it really exist�It really doesn�t seem logical or practical�and I am a very logical and practical person�I never believed in stuff like that�until�it happened to me�it was unexplainable although also undeniable�and that is why it hurt so much�Love at first sight�well I�m too Vergoian to let myself believe in that�But I do I do believe in deeply and sincerely like a lot at first sight...I mean like more than you should�Yes�I believe it can happen but it better be mutual or you�ll be left in a terrible state of inner turmoil�much like myself�I'll confide in all who read...but the saddest thing is...she made me crazy...I'll tell you what I did and I know you're all gonna be like what...I know...Ok well I had a pair of her pj's I had to return to her and I was going to like mail them to her bec. she completley cut me off altogether (ouch)...but n e ways so i texted her and asked her and she said 'i'm not against seeing you i just don't think we should be together...we can still be friends" so I was like ok cool...So later that week or early the next I duno...I set off to her area...which takes me two hours to get to...so I had her stuff and I was hoping we could talk....So I get down there and text her to come have coffee with me at a place near her house...and she says she's gonna chill w her friends so i tell her i'll wait i'll be down here for awhile...so I wait...and this was around 9pm ok...and I wait and so then after being alone for an hour I decided just to go drop her stuff off at her house so I go...drop it off by her door...and I DON"T KNOW WHAT WAS GOIN' THRU MY HEAD....But I waited down her street in the friggen COLD....wearing no jacket I waited for her for two hours...and then she walked by me (she said she didn't see me which I don't think she's lying coz I didn't notice her till she already had walked by) So I texted her you don't want to see me that bad...but after awhile of texting she came out for a smoke with me and we talked about a few things and I just didn't...didn't know what to say...I felt so like I was gonna burst into tears but I had to hold it in soooo bad...I just I couldn't believe what I did to make her go away...to make her not want me...not want to try anything with me...not wanna date me see if we could progresss...to make her hate me (well i don't tink she hates me but still...) and I just wanted to know...so she told me I just freaked her out coz I did tell her that I liked her alot and stuff and she thought I was too dependant on her...but I told her...I said I knew how to live life before you came along...You just made it better....and I said...You are not a nescesity...you are a pleasure...as I was to be to you...but regardless... I had missed my final bus home and she was firm on me not staying at her place (which I respected...and didn't expect her to shelter me considering her descions on the whole 'us' thing anyways) so yes I missed my last bus home...and it was around 1:30am when we parted and I began my long and lonley journey home that night...I had to wait at the bus terminal until 5am for the busses to start running again...I was so upset I cried, and I cried, and I cried while waiting for the bus...I fell asleep bec crying makes me tried...and I'm sure everyone who walked by thought I had been raped or I'm a crazy woman...(which I had begun to think I was...) so anyways I tried to stop crying but I continued to cry....I don't know why I was crying...I mean I wasn't in love with her...I just knew that I could be...and I was like hey...dis gurl and I get along well (so I thought) and maybe I can stop searching for my life partner now you know thats all I really want...I want to stop searching and just KNOW that I've found her....and I could have been happy with waking up next to her for a while ya know...long while...but of course...all a fuck up ever really does and is good at doing is fucking up right...So I've lost the chance to even KNOW if it would have ever worked out....and that makes me sad...I cried that night because I had hopes...and I wanted to help her to be happy...and I wanted to be with her one day...but now I know it can never be...WHICH FUKIN HURTS....but I guess life MUST go on...ugh...life... and well it would have been nice to continue to be friends because thats what I really need right now...friends....but I guess I fucked that one up too...damnit all...I know...I hold too tight...I love too much...I am too nice...and I don't play hard to get...Maybe I should...but whats the fun in that...if you want the person too...I duno...I hate being a lesbian...it really sucks...and it's really hard to find normal non sex crazed lesbians who can talk about things other than sex....and you can have a decent normal conversation with... I guess I may find her one day...or maybe I will spend my life alone? Is that what God wants for me? It seems to be his wish...I don't know I don't know much of anything right now....All I know is I am hurt...and I feel deep regret...and that regret is eating away at me beginning with my heart and working it's way out from there...I don't blame her for anything...I know everything was just my fault...You just don't tell people you're true feelings for them... Ever...lying is always better...right?... lying to keep someone from being scared...or being honest...and risk losing them forever...I duno I hate lying...and I hate being lied to...But I think next time I'd rather lie...than be honest and risk it all...So thats my love life...and as of right now I'm just dealing with my broken heart... trying to put it back together...and trying to put my feelings past and present for ANYONE aside....because feeling hurts...and I don't want to hurt...I feel like I am going to turn into a black lump of cole by the time I'm done...because I just don't want to feel anymore...I can't remember in love for me when the good out weighed the bad....it's been awhile...so ya sorry for whining...I don't mean to sound like a winer but it's my site right...I have to get it off my chest...so ya...but I really doubt anyone even read this anyways...it was damn long and I don't even know if I would read it...but regardless...I hope this makes me feel better....and I guess one day...I still have hope that one day I will find her...whoever she is... |
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