MASTURBATION AND RELIGION: TOGETHER AT LAST! by Piggy and Aardsy Mark E. Petersen of the Council of the 12 Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has a 10-step guide to stopping masturbating and other suggestions about what to do besides masturbation. Well, my email friend Robin decided to add our own comments regarding these steps and suggestions, in-between the stars. STEPS IN OVERCOMING MASTURBATION: 1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes. *** No! Not even then! Use bakery tongs to handle your member. Don't even look at it! It will burn your retinas! *** 2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company. *** Put your toilet in the living room. *** 3. If you are associated with other person having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. *** Find friends who are interested in bestiality and incest instead. *** 4. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in the mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes--just long enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of you family present. *** Or bathe in the kitchen during dinner with the family. *** 5. When in bed, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that is difficult to remove these clothes. *** Have a friend strap your hands and feet to the bed. If there is a fire, don't worry - you were going to hell anyway. *** 6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, get out of bed and go into the kitchen and fix yourself a snack. *** After several weeks you will weigh upwards of 500 lbs, and won't be able to reach your genitals anymore. *** 7. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. *** You are still allowed to PRODUCE pornographic material, just don't READ it! *** 8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture. *** Tack up lots of Bill Keane's 'The Family Circus' cartoons all around your room. *** 9. Masturbation is a sinful habit that robs one of the Spirit and creates quilt and emotional stress. *** But once you have enough quilts, you can cover yourself up, or maybe sell them and make extra $$$. *** (( Okay, Aaron here. So I made a fucking typo--sue me! )) 10. This self-gratifying activity will cause one to lose self-respect, his testimony becomes weak, and missionary work and other Church callings become burdensome. *** Because before masturbation ripped your soul to shreds, you didn't find missionary and Church callings the LEAST BIT burdensome. Did you? *** Suggestions: 1. Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and out loud when the temptation are the strongest. *** This will, of course, raise the eyebrows of the other employees of the day care center you work at, but do it anyway. *** 2. Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise. *** Just not *that* vigorous daily exercise.*** 3. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell STOP to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a pre-chosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. *** Suggested tunes include Divinyls' "I Touch Myself". *** 4. Set goals of abstinence. Begin with a day, then a week, month, year and finally commit to never doing it again. *** Pretend it's just like going to church! *** 5. Spend time every day imagining yourself easily overcoming tempting situations. *** Picture yourself shutting off Urkel and putting down the bowl of Count Chocula. *** 6. Begin to work daily on a self-improvement program. *** Have overweight and overpaid Teamsters stand around you while they tie up traffic for months.*** 7. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking with them. *** Forcing yourself to be around people you don't like is NOT a stress-causing activity! *** 8. Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel lonely, bored or frustrated since these emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way as escape. *** i.e.: Don't visit your parents. *** 9. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you, but show it to no one. If you have a lapse of self-control, color the day black. Your goal will be to have no black days. Keep your calendar up until you have at least three clear months. *** This clearly is more fun than masturbating. *** 10. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective techled aversion therapy. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you the act. *** Unless of course, you're INTO this... *** 11. During your toileting and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open, to discourage being alone in total privacy. Take cool brief showers. *** Invite neighbors and friends to come in to watch and assist in the washing of your back. *** 12. Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. *** The previous edition of this guide had a typographic error that we wish for you to ignore. You should not "get IT up and do something" as the first edition suggested. *** 13. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring. *** Wear a catheter at ALL TIMES. *** 14. Reduce amount of spices and condiments in your food. *** It reminds you of Mexican girls, and therefore leads to masturbation. *** 15. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding. *** "Difficult To Open" also may mean a Moist MorniMattress. Don't drink for 10 hours before bedtime. *** 16. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement. ***In other words, cancel that subscription to Consumer Reports.*** 17. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases. *** If you don't have a Book of Mormon handy, a Giant Rubber Dildo will suffice. *** 18. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. *** Another Safety Tip: Wear oily rags when barbecuing. *** 19. Set up a reward system for your sucses. Put a quarter in a receptacle each time you overcome or reach a goal. Spend it on something which delights you and will be a continuing reminder of your progress. *** Like conditioners, hand creams and Vaseline. *** 20. Do not let yourself return to any habit or attitude patterns which were part of your problem. Remember, Satan Never Gives Up. *** I'm sure you've seen his Infomercial. ***