So you have queued 2 1/2 hours to watch Star Wars, the Special Edition, you
have played all the Star Wars games.  You get goosebumps when you hear the
score.  That's cool.  But have you thought for a moment what are the sexual
preferences of the main characters?  No?  Well, this is how I see them:

LUKE SKYWALKER
    Luke is gay.  Relates to older men and ugly trolls.  Has a crush on Han
    Solo.  Is nice to Leia, but calls her "a nice chap", behind her back.

DARTH VADER
    Gay.  Has a slave/master relationship with the Emperor, and covets
    younger men, particularly Luke.

THE EMPEROR
    Ditto.

BEN
    An old fruit.  Darth Vader was his lover, but they split and now they
    fight all the time, using a combination of a vibrator and a torchlight.

LEIA
    A complete floozy.  Makes a pass at Luke in the first episode, which made
    him become totally gay.  Seduces Han Solo and has a tryst with Chewbacca.
    Has an SM session with Darth Vader.

C3-PO and R2-D2
    C3-PO has always been believed to be camp.  Him and R2-D2 have married in
    Aldebaran 3, where the law allows marriages of robotic life forms of the
    same sexual inclination.

HAN SOLO
    Bisexual.  Very faithful to Chewbacca, on the male side.  Promiscous with
    females.  Sleeps with LEIA, by default, as she is he only female in the
    trilogy.

YODA
    Relates only to men, preferably young.  Yuk.

JABBA THE HUT
    Heterosexual.   Some strange tastes, but definitely straight.

THE EWOKS
    Pathetically straight.  Wives, children.... boring.

THE STORM TROOPERS
    Kinky, wear pieces of plastic, possibly into SM.