Thanks to Raaj Menon, George Birakos, and Y Cruz for these jokes.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.  The 
first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun.  I'll  
run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and 
bench press it twenty or thirty times."  And with that he slams another
shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing.  I take those Dekon
tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that
he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away.  The first two mice
look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the
hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to screw the cat."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break
into show-biz, so the agent says "Okay kid, show me what you do."  The kid
tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic
act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent.

"Great kid!  Just great!," says the agent "I can do things for ya!  I think
I can get you a show on T.V."  (This was the early sixties.)  "By the way,
what's your name?"

The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian."

"'Scuse me?," questions the agent.

"My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man.

"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna
hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian."

Well the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his
name, so he leaves to find another agent.

A few months later he returns to the same agent.  "Hey kid!  Good to see ya
again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work?  Have ya changed
your name?"

With his head hanging low the young man replies  "Yes.  Every agent in town
turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian.  So I've changed it".

"Great kid, great!  What's your new name?"

"Dick Van Dyke."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                     UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM
                    ____________________University


To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________


I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be
changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

______1.    The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
______2.    The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
______3.    This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't
            get into
            ______Medical School          ______Graduate School
            ______Dental School           ______My Fraternity/Sorority
            ______The Mickey Mouse Club   ______Tri County Tech
______4.    I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in
            _______________.
______5.    I'll lose my scholarship.
______6.    I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy
            of your exam.
______7.    I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not
            cover the material asked for on the exam.
______8.    I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little
            fact.
______9.    I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked
            about general principles.
_____10.    You are prejudiced against:
            ______Males         ______Jews          ______Blacks
            ______Females       ______Catholics     ______Whites
            ______Protestants   ______Moslems       ______Minorities
            ______Chicanos      ______People        ______Students
_____11.    If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at
            least cut my allowance.
_____12.    I was unable to do well in this course because of the following
            illness:
            ______mono                  ______broken baby finger
            ______acute alcoholism      ______pregnancy
            ______VD                    ______fatherhood
_____13.    You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how
            you wanted that done.
_____14.    I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
_____15.    I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
_____16.    The lectures were:
            ______too detailed to pick out important points
            ______not explained in sufficient detail
            ______too boring
            ______all jokes and not enough material
            ______all of the above
_____17.    This course was:
            ______too early, I was not awake.
            ______at lunchtime, I was hungry
            ______too late, I was tired
_____18.    My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate / wet) on my (book, notes, paper)
            for this course.
_____19.    Other___________________________________________________