Sex Sex is like Bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. ------------------ New Dress A bossomy blond was trying on an extremely low-cut dress. As she studied herself in the mirror, she asked the sales lady if she thought it was too low-cut. "Do you have hair on your chest??" the saleswoman asked. "No!" "Then", the saleswoman said, "it's too low-cut!" ------------------ Mouse There was this mouse sitting in a bar feeling sorry for himself and drinking. After ordering many shots of whiskey he began to feel better and better. Looking down the bar he saw a female giraffe sitting there drinking also. He proceeds to swagger down the bar crawls up the giraffe and whispers in her ear and they both get up and leave together. The next morning the mouse comes dragging into the bar and he looks like hell. He climbs up on the barstool and orders coffee from the bartender. The bartender remembers him from the previous night and says "you must have had some night with that giraffe because you look like hell this morning." The mouse says "yes I did, but I got to tell you between the kissing and the fucking I must have ran a million miles last night!" ------------------ Dinosaur What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalottapuss ------------------ Mermaid There once was an explorer in a distant land who was granted an audience with the ruler of the kingdom. After being taken through a large, ornate castle, he was introduced to the king. The king was an impressive figure except for one unusual feature, his head was quite small, about the size of a small grapefruit. After talking with the king for some time, the explorer could not contain his curiosity any longer, and asked the king about the size of his head. After a pause, the king explained that he had not always been a king, and had in fact, been a fisherman when much younger. One day, while out fishing, he had pulled in his net, and found a mermaid in the net. From the waist up, the mermaid was a very beautiful woman, from the waist down, a fish. The fisherman was preparing to take the mermaid to market to sell as a curiosity, when the mermaid spoke, and told him that she was a magic mermaid. The mermaid told the fisherman that if he would let her go, she would grant him three wishes. The fisherman agreed to this, and asked for gold, jewels, and other riches. Immediately, these appeared. Next, he asked to be made a king, and to have a kingdom to rule, with a fabulous castle. These appeared also. The mermaid asked what his third wish was. Since he had been noticing how beautiful her woman half was, he said that he wanted to make love with her. To this, the mermaid replied that since she was only half woman, this was not possible. The fisherman then said "Well in that case, can you give me a little head?" ------------------ Facts of Life The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time that she understood the facts of life. "Liza," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy and." "It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom," interrupted the daughter, "but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm." ------------------ Oral sex Q. What is the best thing about getting oral sex from your wife? A. Ten minutes of silence. ------------------ First Date For their first date, Niel took Clare to an expensive restaurant, insisting: "Order whatever you like." Clare obeyed, downing shrimp cocktail, lobster, two helpings of filet mignon, chicken Kiev, a bottle of Dom Perignon and an entire chocolate mousse covered with ice cream. "Whoa!" Niel marvelled. "Does your mother feed you like that?" "No," Clare shot back, "but my mother's not trying to fuck me either." ------------------ Penis This British explorer is in the dark jungles of Africa, going where no man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter in one. One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in "playful activities" with 8-9 beautiful, dark, young women, all in nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the explorer had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was. "He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir", came the reply, "This is his morning ritual." "Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?" The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation. "Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return. "He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?" ------------------ Fishing These 3 guys were fishing one hot summer day when the fisherman in the middle hooked into a very large fish that he fought for several minutes. Finally the fish won and pulled him into the water, straight to the bottom. The other 2 guys just sat and watched for a long while for their friend to surface. Finally after about half an hour one guy says to the other "don't ya think we should dive down and get him"? So the other fisherman jumps in and swims around and finally brings him up. His friend is doing mouth to mouth and says "boy I really don't remember Joe having breath this bad". To which the other fisherman replied, "yeah, and I don't remember him wearing a snowmobile suit either"!