To my dear wife:

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times.  I have
succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every 10 days.  The
following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

 1. We will wake the children......17 times
 2. It's too late..................15 times
 3. I'm too tired...................5 times
 4. It's too early.................52 times
 5. It's too hot...................15 times
 6. Pretending to be asleep........49 times
 7. The neighbors will hear.........9 times
 8. Backache........................2 times
 9. Headache.......................26 times
10. Sunburnt.......................10 times
11. Your mother will hear us.......36 times
12. Not in the mood................21 times
13. You will wake the baby.........17 times
14. Watching the late show..........7 times
15. Too sore........................9 times
16. New hairdo......................6 times
17. Wrong time of the month........14 times
18. You had to go to the toilet....19 times

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory
because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there was a
crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished and once I was
afraid I had hurt you cause I felt you move.





To my dear husband:

I think you have got things a little confused.  Here are the reasons you
did not get it more often than you did:

 1. Came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat..........7 times
 2. Did not come home at all..........................29 times
 3. Did not come......................................14 times
 4. Came too soon.....................................26 times
 5. Went soft before you got it in....................18 times
 6. Toes in a cramp....................................9 times
 7. Working too late..................................51 times
 8. You had a rash- probably from a toilet seat.......21 times
 9. Somebody kicked you in the balls(fight)............4 times
10. Caught it in your zipper...........................8 times
11. Got a cold and your nose kept running.............14 times
12. Brewers drop and alco-limp........................95 times
13. Your tea was hot-You burnt your tongue.............8 times
14. You had a splinter in your finger..................4 times
15. Lost the notion after thinking about it all day...13 times
16. Came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book....8 times

Of the times that we did get together, the reason I lay still was because
you missed and were fucking the sheets.  I wasn't talking about the crack
in the ceiling, what I had said was, "would you prefer me on my back or
kneeling."  The time you felt me move was because you had farted and I was
trying to breath.