Ways to be offensive at a Funeral

 1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with 
    you.

 2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your 
    contact lens.
 
 3. Punch the body and tell people he hit you first.
 
 4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.
 
 5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
 
 6. At cementary play taps on a kazoo.
 
 7. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they are not in 
    it.
 
 8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
 
 9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.

10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him 
    in the coffin.

11. Put a hard boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

13. Leave some phony dog poop on the deceased.

14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be 
    read before the funeral is over.

15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who 
    can't afford firewood.

16. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.

17. Walk around telling people the deceased didn't like them.

18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

19. Put crazy glue on the deceased'd lips just before the widow's last kiss.

20. Toss a handful of rice on the deceased and scream MAGGOTS!! and pretend to
    faint.

21. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.

22. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.

23. At the cementary take bets on how long it takes the body to decompose.

24. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.

25. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.

26. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.

27. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.

28. When no one is looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's 
    mouth.

29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for 
    back-taxes.

30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face 
    while praising the deceased.