Deep Thoughts
                                                     by Jack Handy

To me, it's a good idea to always carry around 2 sacks of something when you
walk around.  That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?"  You
can say, "Sorry, got thses two sacks."

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying
across a beautiful sunset?  And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak,
and a very beautiful painting with his feet.  And also, you're drunk.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's
children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

If a child asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is,
"God is crying."  And if he asks you why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is, "Because of something you did."

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and
the dancers hit each other.

Instead of having "answers" on math tests, they should just call them
"impressions."  And if you have a different "impression," so what?  Can't we
all be brothers?

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd
just quit my job and be a bum for a few years, because I was thinking of
doing that anyway.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like more money.  And I guess that's
what I like about it. It's easy.  Just sitting there, rocking back and forth,
wanting that money.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking a beer, I bet it makes
beer shoot out your nose.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can
picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.  

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the
room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the
wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk.

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not mean to poor people, like I am now.

Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody:
First take out the garbage.  Then go around and collect any extra garbage that
people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out.  Pretty soon, 
people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

Sometimes, you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you 
don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to.  
Then, on the way out, slam the door.

Broken promises don't upset me.  I just think, why did they believe me?

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking
through your stuff.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip:  Why not add a slice
of lemon, for freshness?

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish from
a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish 
pulls a worm out of the ground.  Now that's a documentary.  

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace
treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and suddenly act
surprised.  "Wait a minute!  I thought we won!"

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we were losing each
year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me, "that guy sure owed me a lot
of money." 

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude.  That's a
common mistake.  You have to let nudity "happen."