Traveler, Writer, Aquarius, Peace Corps Volunteer
The evidence
<< previous next>>
Ode To Ukraine:
After spending sufficient quality time with a number of volunteers this summer, it�s clear that the biggest pastime among PCVs is bashing Ukraine. Well, actually, the biggest pastime among PCVs is gossiping about other PCVs, but Ukraine-bashing is a close second. I mean, let�s be honest. Who among us hasn�t gone off on a rant at one point or another about the liberal use of mayonnaise, the lack of use of deodorant, or the customer service techniques taken from Stalin�s guide to winning friends and influencing people? Please, I dare you to come forward, those who have never complained about class schedules less reliable than reading tea leaves or projects that kick-start a few weeks after the deadline because someone had a runny nose or stubbed their toe.
The fact of the matter is, dear friends, that we all often spend a disproportionate amount of time nitpicking all that we find fault with here instead of lauding those things which our Ukrainian compatriots not only do well, but much better than us. Thus, in honor of Ukrainian Independence Day, here is a list, by no means comprehensive, of ten ways in which Ukrainians are far superior to Americans:
1. Utilizing Reflective Surfaces. Most Americans are content just to use mirrors to look at themselves. Wily Ukrainians, however, are forever coming up with new and innovative ways of making sure they look good. Shiny building facades, windows, sunglasses, the pupils of whomever they�re talking to, watch faces, blank television sets, puddles, soap bubbles. You name it, they�ve come up with a way to use it. I once saw a girl writing a text message use the incandescent glow of the screen to pluck her brows and do her lipstick at the same time. You tell me we�re not years behind.
2. Camaraderie. There is no I in stra-na, baby, and contrary to many of my students� beliefs, there�s no I in country either. No one knows this ideal better than Ukrainians. While maybe once a year some sports team in America decides to shave its head in a show of solidarity, Ukrainians choose to support each other and look alike all the time. What self-respecting Ukrainian young man would dare not comb his hair straight down or young lady not wear see-through pants? America would do well to ditch Dr. Phil and all the self-help mumbo jumbo and just collectively put on pointy black shoes, a fetching sparkly Dolce and Gabbana ensemble, and feel the love.
3. Making Their Bed and Sleeping on the Train. I would like to suggest that subsequent Peace Corps training (no pun intended) include at least one session on how to make the sheets crisp and how to sleep without having the mattress slide off the side of the bunk like a limp tongue. I mean, no matter how much time most Americans spend trying to get everything right, our beds never look as good as Ukrainian�s. And when we �sleep�, it�s usually a complete mess of rolling around, hitting our heads, getting our feet mashed, and sliding all over the place. Our Ukrainian neighbors, meanwhile, sleep in a state of blissful repose. Blissful, drunken repose. It�s awe-inspiring.
4. Staying Healthy and Eating Right. The pharmaceutical industry in America is a multi-billion dollar behemoth, churning out wonderdrug after wonderdrug, and yet Americans continue to get sick on a regular basis. Ditto for the diet industry, catering to the demands of millions of Americans who are dangerously overweight. And yet Ukrainians, surviving on a steady diet of ice cream, fried potatoes, pig fat, and vodka, lap us in the trim tummy department. As for getting sick? Hot tea, honey, garlic, and multicolored birdseed-looking stuff cure everything from a hangnail to gigantism. In addition, new studies here suggest that wearing a wool cap through the winter can actually reverse the aging process.
5. Sunburning. Like the swallows returning to Capistrano or the wildebeests stampeding across the Serengeti, the sea of blazing red flesh that blankets the Crimean coast from June through August is a true wonder of nature and spectacle to behold. Americans, mired in ultraconservativism and SPF 45, lack the courage and conviction to soak up the rays once they�ve turned a little crimson, instead cowardly retreating under an umbrella and slathering themselves in aloe. Truly brave and undaunted by a few measly blisters covering their face, neck, shoulders, chest, back, legs, and arms, Ukrainians milk the fiery sun until the very last of their melanin evaporates, along with their epidermis. How dare we brag about our rugged pioneering toughness? We should be ashamed.
6. Avoiding Lines. I believe it was Einstein who said �order is chaos�s bitch,� and while Americans continue to try and swim upstream in everything we do, the more highly evolved Ukrainian understanding of natural mechanics allows life to move in a proper, disorderly way. Na�ve Americans are always battling entropy and forming tenuous lines in places like the market and post office and ticket windows, teetering on the brink of total collapse into some sort of vacuum or black vortex. By avoiding lines altogether and smashing as many people into a small space at the same time as possible, Ukrainians are continually attaining the still point, truly waltzing in the cosmic dance.
7. Being a Neighborly Country. Not enough can be said about the superiority of Ukrainian hospitality over America. While America puts patrols up all along its border with Mexico and makes movies about invading Canada, Ukraine is so hospitable that almost all the Ukrainians I know, friendly to the core, speak of themselves as being Russian so as not to risk committing a faux pas and possibly causing anyone offense. In fact, Ukrainians are so eager to please that nearly the whole country has graciously taken to speaking the same language as its neighbor to the north. We in the States can only dream of a time when most everyone will amiably speak Spanish and barely comprehend English.
8. Maximizing Space on Buses. Americans would like to think that we�ve cornered the market on fitting just the right amount of people on a bus, but the plain and simple truth is, we�re wasteful and inefficient compared to the Ukrainian system. While Americans have only thought of using seats and a restricted amount of standing room to accommodate passengers, Ukrainians have figured out ways to fit extra persons into every corner, nook, and cranny. Unfettered by red-tape and safety laws, eager passengers squeeze under seats, onto other passengers, on doorsteps, behind the folding doors, and even in the spaces between the seats and the walls. Just another case of American prog-ress really being prog-less.
9. Bottle Collecting. You heard it here first, folks. We�re in the middle of a major bottle collecting gap. Ukraine is a veritable breeding ground for the best and brightest bottle collectors in the world. I�m surprised if I even know how much beer is left in my own Chernigivskaya, while Eagle-eye Baba has already spied my vessel from across the square and is making a b-line for the brown Bile before the last drop hits my lips. I�ve watched lazy Americans on the streets of New York wander around aimlessly searching for bottles in absurd places like trash cans, never thinking that the intelligent bottle collector finds someone already drinking and sits next to them, staring patiently, kicking pigeons and mumbling to themselves until the person finishes. What Diaspora problem? Brain Drain, my ass.
10. Not Screwing Up the World. �Nough said.
Other interesting stuff
Stay in touch
Lewkraine Productions
"Making the world a safer place to play."