Gone was the light which once brightly shown in my heart, darkness overtook me and the shadows of night encroached upon my thoughts and spirit. It was not a sudden change, but a gradual descent into the twilight realm where a lingering existence replaced life as I had once known it. With each love lost my spirit grew dimmer as another piece of my heart was broken and another part of my soul would die. I had grown into the vampire world living as an incubus - the dark inner void of unfathomable emptiness within consuming me, my soul tormented by an uncontrollable yearning - a hunger which could only be satisfied by consuming the strength and energy I drew from others who shared themselves with me as intimate companions, whether of need, or of passion's most raging desire.
From this darkness there is but one escape, and that is to be redeemed through the communion of souls with one who is a true incarnation of the goddess, made manifest in mortal form, and yet as elusive as she is to find here on this earth dwelling among the untold masses of uninspiring souls, a thousand times harder is it to capture her heart as one must in order to be bound to her for all eternity as her god and consort. The following pages are my personal journal of this, my life's quest, to win the heart of she who is the only one that can save me.
Come be my whore, my goddess, my lover....
Give to me a few hours of your life,
Give me your body, your soul -
If only for awhile.
Lay yourself bare to me
That I might lose myself in you,
Indulging in your flesh -
Lusting, consuming, devouring all that you are....
Honey-sweet nectar dripping from your petals,
Love-buds, ripe and firm, longing to be suckled,
Softness and warmth beconing me on to oblivion.
Untold ecstacy, breathless desperation....
Driving, forcing, impaling you with my thorn,
Your body writhing, convulsing under mine,
No other thoughts trespassing my mind,
For you are all that I know....
There is no room for emptiness,
No space left unfilled,
For this time I am whole and complete
While I am with you.
Didn't we love, my one night's bride?
Didn't we lose the night?
You felt so warm, close by my side,
Didn't our fire burn bright?
The cold grey morning has come now
And we must rise and go.
I wonder if time will allow
Winter's rivers to flow?
Come away with me, my trusted friend
And let us walk the fields together,
For soon we will see the summer's end
And feel the waning of warm weather.
Lay your head softly against my chest
And give me your cares, just now, to keep;
Our time is ours, though short, at best,
For our dreams depart in fleeting sleep.
Oh you, of honey color'd locks
Downfallen upon a snow brow,
Where ne'er the idle care doth pass,
Nor aught else for long dwelleth
But the warmth of the sun in his splendor,
Or the gentle wind's breeze
Heralding the rains of spring.
I bid thee to suffer my company
And in the light of thy beauty
The weariness of my travels to forget.
For long I have sought for the resting place
Of mine heart, and now I have found it
In the love that I feel
For you.
Before the spring on a morning bright
After winter's rains had fallen to rest
Upon the waking ground,
You came to me
As a song sung by one
Whose heart knows no care,
And yet you cared,
And took my hand
And dried my tears,
And I walked with you
Not knowing where
The road we took would lead....
How soon I discovered
That I was lost.
If ever one soul was meant to be joined with mine,
If ever one heart was meant to beat with my own,
If ever one body was formed - perfect, devine,
It belongs to you - no truer love have I known.
If the gods in heaven listened to my prayers,
If my dreams they watched, my wishes they understood,
If my thoughts were read by them all through the years,
Nothing can better answer my needs than you could.
If my life has any purpose or some meaning,
If my days of searching have not been spent in vain,
If my fate is cast in some direction leaning,
Then in you I will find an ending to my pain.
If all my toils and suffering have a reason,
If past disappointments were to teach anything,
If each love lost was merely a passing season,
They served only to sweeten the joy that you bring.
If any power could ever hope to save me,
If any force could ever turn my life around,
If any magic could ever set my soul free,
It is the love within you that my heart has found.
There once was a time when I felt so lost,
When living did not seem quite worth the cost,
When living each day brought nothing but heartaches new....
Then into my life one day came you.
With eyes that see beyond the mortal veil,
A pixie smile, golden hair, skin so pale.....
Like a vision sent from heaven you seem
With the warm softness of a summer dream.
As if to chase away all my fears,
Your promises gave me hope, dried my tears,
And gave me the strength to face a new day
Comforted by knowing that you would stay.
All my life I have sought for one like you,
For one whose love would last, whose heart was true,
Who could bring me the happiness I need,
And not break my heart and leave me to bleed.
So I sit now waiting for you to wake,
Quietly watching each breath you take,
Unable to believe that you are real,
Straining to contain the joy that I feel.
I remember the first time that we met
How you looked at me and smiled,
Not yet knowing the course that fate had set
For you, not yet woman, not quite child.
Before you I stood a lonely man
Of years far past your own,
And you gave to me what only you can,
The love that no other had ever shown.
Your raven hair, your eyes of blue,
Your softest skin of snowy white,
Your lips so tender of rosey hue
Enchanted me that summer night.
And from that moment on I knew
My life would never be the same,
For the love that I felt in my heart was true
When into my life that day you came.
And now, together, our souls entertwined
We love and ponder eternity,
Thinking not of that which has undermined
What once we thought a certainty.
Pale enchantress, silent as the grave;
Wild, untamed, like a fairy-child,
Never accepting the love that I gave
Only perplexing my heart beguiled.
No other could ever take your place
For you alone are of my soul,
Your graceful limbs, your perfect face,
Only these can make me whole
Yet from my embrace you would flee
And leave me alone in despair
Wondering if ever again I will see
Your chestnut eyes, your raven hair.
Were you even real or just a dream?
A haunting vision to drive me mad?
Like some beautiful mirage you seem,
Beyond all that I have ever had.
Could I ever perchance be so blessed
As to hold you in my arms again
Or feel your lips against mine pressed
If only your heart I knew how to win.
And so I sit and await the day
When your hand again I may hold
Never knowing what I should say
Hoping I have not grown too old.
Sometimes love comes as easy as the morning dew
Or the warm sunshine on an early summer day,
Sometimes there are magical people like you
Who shine in our lives like a star's brightest ray.
All my life I have wandered searching for love.
So many lonely days I have spent alone,
Praying to the gods in the heavens above
For the kind of love you've so easily shown.
How I hope that my search has come to an end,
That my empty days of longing are now past;
How I hope that my broken heart you will mend
And make my life and soul complete at last.
If all the sorrows before were like rain
Then you must be the calm that follows the storm,
Washing away all of the fears and the pain
And surrounding me with your love soft and warm.
Like a rainbow of hope you shine in my life
Amystical wonder of beauty to me,
Easing with tranquility my mind's dark strife
With the colors of love you have let me see.
My Kentucky Rose, sweet bloom of youth,
Growing wild - careless of neglect,
No fairer flower have I found in truth
Than she who delights with every aspect.
How many roads have I travelled in search of her?
Down how many wayward paths have I been misled?
Always overlooking one place or another
Ever wandering the wrong byways instead.
While all along in the open she stood
No hidden treasure lost, to be exhumed,
Just a wild rambling rose growing where she would,
With fragrance so sweet my heart it consumed.
And seeing her, I longed to possess her,
To plant her in a garden of my own,
Where I could enjoy her blossoms forever,
My wild Kentucky Rose by happenstance sown.
From her native soil I carefully took her
And with the greatest of care I brought her home,
my wild sweet Rose with patience to nurture,
To find her, no more this world must I roam.
The World really doesnt understand people like us,
People who walk around with holes in their hearts
And take comfort in what others see as sin....
They don't feel the emptiness inside of us,
Or notice the cold hardness of the world we live in.
Life is too unkind for us to live without some comfort,
A warm smile, a caring embrace, a gentle touch
That awakens the hunger within....
Love starved, neglected, overlooked for the most part,
We feed our souls on whatever we find, again and again.
We each have dreams and hopes, like anyone else,
Though we are afraid to believe or to trust.
Our hearts, like our faith, have been broken....
To many times life's promises proved untrue,
Too many times we were deceived by women and men.
So don't question what we feel or do,
Don't judge, don't even try to understand.
It isn't your place to accept or condemn....
Leave us alone when we're happy as you do when we're sad,
We only take what we need to get by in this life so uncertain.
I will not write you a poem
For everyone I have written a poem for
That I loved I have lost,
And you are like none of them.
I knew the moment I saw you
My life was about to change....
I saw it in your eyes, that sense of recognition;
Something that told me we were meant to be.
With you there was no awkwardness
No uneasy apprehension, no uncertainty,
All was clear in the glances you gave me....
I understood that you were not like all the rest.
You were never a stranger to me....
When you and I talked it was as if
We had always known each other,
A comfortable familiarity that st us both at ease.
Two hearts in harmony, seeking the same thing,
Warmed by each other's presence;
Both filled with hope of better days ahead,
Each straining to secure the promise of tomorrow together.
Some treasures remain priceless,
Even when broken,
Just as some hearts keep on beating
Even after they are torn apart.
Like an angel undiminished
By the scars life has left on you,
Your beauty, unfading,
Grows richer
Through all you endure.
,
High in the distant mountains,
Amid the winter's cruelist snows,
Blooms a flower seen only by those
Who dare ascend the treacherous peaks.
Far removed from the grasp
Of the common masses,
Like your heart,
Out of reach of all
But the bravest and luckiest of men.
Yet there is a garden
Of warmth and sweetness
You have let me into,
And although others have tread its paths,
In it I have found solace and comfort,
Hidden from the rest of the world and my cares
For the times that you let me spend there,
So that all my heart's longing
Is to be lost amid those blossoms within my reach
While on some icey summit
Which I have no hope to assail
That rarer flower lingers untouched.
For thirty-six years
I have stared at a stranger in my mirror
Watched him grow from child to boy to man;
Seen how time affects mortal flesh -
Like the lily, bursting forth from its seed,
Growing green and strong, blooming then fading.
I stare at his face, seeing the traces of departed youth
The once faint lines growing deeper,
Scars of care and pain wrought by loss.
Hair grown thinner, begining to grey;
Eyes now sallow which once were bright,
Staring back at me.
I look at this stranger and I wonder
Who will love him?
Who will long to feel his touch?
What young girl full of life could ever desire him?
Will his days be spent alone in loneliness
Because there is always another fairer to behold?
Will the emptiness in his soul consume him?
Or will someone take pity on this stranger
Giving him a reason to keep living
Despite the incessant wear of time's passing?
Voices at my door,
Ghosts of yesterday,
Loves there were before
Lost along the way.
Memories of you,
Shadows in the night,
Thoughts of changing hue
Shifting like firelight.
Half forgotten dreams
Passing through my mind
Long abandoned schemes
Of another kind.
Hopes for tomorrow
Cast aside in pain,
Tears bought with sorrow
Falling like the rain.
Remember the winter in the spring
When all around the sweet birds sing
Remember the days that endlessly string
And the bleak wond's bitter sting.
The darkness muffles
The sounds of a world
That turns outside my window
As I lie waiting
For the day.
When day has faded into night
And twilight's dew begins to fall
I walk the hidden paths of light
That lead me to the Watchers' hall.
I walk the hidden paths of light
That lead me far from the world of men,
Into the kindoms of delight
Where laughter reigns and care is sin.
Where nought but gaiety resides
With pleasure for her consort bold,
Where pain is lost and death besides
Forgotten memories of heartaches old.
I walk the hidden paths of light
In answer to the old gods' call,
I see their beacon shining bright
Far beyond the mountains tall.
But when the darkness fades at last
And the dusk gives way to dawn
My dreams, like restless winds go past,
And I find the hidden paths are gone.
And so I sit and await the night
For then I know they'll reappear,
The hidden paths of shining light
That lead me far from the world I fear.
Where is the God of the Wood?
What has become of the Ancient One?
Has he fled from the forests and meadows
Where once he did walk alone?
Have we pushed him far from the regions
That we ourselves now claim?
Or does he dwell still in the misty woodlands
Amid the vines and spreading trees?
Often I have paused
To catch a few brief notes
Carried along by the wind
Across a distant valley
Often I have turned
To see who follows behind me
Only to find my own shadow
Grown tall against the setting sun.
The darkness comes and one by one
The stars are lit by an unseen hand
They are the same stars that once looked down
Upon a time when men were reverent
Toward a god they called their own
Now they look down upon a different age
When men are fearful of the one
Whom they betrayed so long ago.
The rocks are not fearful
They still pay tribute
To the one who spoke with them
In ages long past
They have not forgotten
Though now they are silent
Keeping the memory
Of times there were before.
From the darkening wood he comes
Summoned by beat of unseen drums,
Cloven hoofed and antler crowned
He draws nigh unto their sound.
With spear in hand, he races forth
Across the wastelands of the north
Where woad-stained warriors shout his name
Along the way by which he came.
Throughout the land the cry is heard,
From clan to clan they spread the word,
The summer days are fading fast,
The Winter King has come at last.
Then, high atop the sacred hill,
The Druids employ their magic skill,
And from a spark is born a blaze
That shines amid the cromlec's maze.
Upon the barren heath they meet
To offer sacrifices sweet
With bay and pine the altars burn
In honor of the horned-god, Cerne.
She walks alone in golden meadows
Through morning sun and evening shadows,
Beneath the flowering orchard's shade
And in the hyacinth-scented glade.
Besides the water's edge she passes
Through matter deeds and viver grasses
And all along the sandy beaches
Where sea-brids climb the wind-swept reaches.
Across amber fields of autumn corn
She makes her way in te early morn,
And past the vinyard's entangled mazr
Where days are lost in an endless haze.
Before the darkening wood she goes
As leaves are stirred by a wind that blows
And by the alder shaded fountain
That lies beyond the distant mountain.
With footsteps soft and silent she sweeps
Over a kingdom that no one keeps;
Unseen she passes through the seasons,
Unknown are her myriad reasons.
