I am not even joshing around with you guys here.
What the fuck is up with band? First of all, let me clarify unnecessarily that I am talking about school band. The kind that has lots of people and brass instruments. You all know them. Anyway.
Band is not cool, so I am continuously baffled by the people in band who are just convinced they are the coolest things on two legs just because they walk around with their big, shiny instruments in their hands. Hell, I do that all the time, but I only consider it a small part of my charm.
Band. People try and succeed in band. They practice for hours daily. They really get their skills up. They come back from a concert and they are just ready to tell you all about how good they did. Guess what. Shut up. Nobody wants to hear it. Succeeding at band is about as useful as Dakota Fanning with all of her front teeth. (Oh how I love having only one person who reads this site so I can make inside jokes.)
What I'm trying to say is the following clearly stated message: Band is gay. It will get you nowhere Don't you strut around with your fancy band uniform on, acting like you're cooler than me, because you know you're not. I'll smack that bitch up. That bitch being your mom, by the way. Yeah. I win.
What the hell, I feel like this website is one of those things that you look back on when you get older and say, "What the fuck was I on?" But then you remember that you're awesome and you don't care, and continue working on your from-home porn site with eight nude women lined up outside your bedroom door. Random tangent... Anyway, back to it.
So far I've only discussed the basic fact that band is not cool, but now I'd like to prove it if I may.
Point number one: brass instruments suck. There is no getting around that. Nobody wants to hear a big hunk of metal designed to reverberate and resound into your eardrums. If you wanted that so bad, you could grab a spoon and bang it against a trash can. You'd get about the same effect.
Point number two: Kids suck at everything. Bands do not sound good. Even if they had good instruments, they would sound bad. Just imagine one teenager trying to do something. Now, multiply that by about two hundred-fifty and send them to a sports field to deafen eager spectators between quarters. Marching band sucks. There is no coherent sound to it. My friend once showed me this video of a "great" marching band performance... Whaaat? There were about six million people walking around in what appeared to be possible crude formations, blowing into about seven million trumpets in such a catastrophicly ear-shattering manner that it could only be described as not very good.
Point number three: I don't like it, and what are you going to do without my approval?
Point number four: It fucking sucks. Jesus.
So what the fuck is there left to defend? Who knows? But these band nerds are worse than the fucking Bloods and Crips when it comes to this shit. They will tear your eyes out if you even look at their lead flute player wrong. (Oh my god. I probably got that termanology wrong. Kill me.) And they're all really horny.
What is it about playing a bunch of really shitty music on completely useless instruments that brings people so close together? Or is it not that it brings them together, but rather that they got into it thinking it was cool and now are fiercely and desperately trying to protect it so they won't seem like complete fucking dumbasses for making the huge mistake of devoting their time to band. Seriously. Those instruments are the worst ever. Nobody wants a tuba.
And they talk about it all the fucking time. Like they think anyone wants to hear about their endeavors in this shit lifestyle they have going. And they use ridiculous and unoriginal inside jokes that can hardly even really be classified as jokes, like calling trombone players "boners." TEE-HEE. YOU SAID BONER. And they sing special band-nerd songs and they have sayings and secret handshakes and a secret club and parties on friday nights that they don't invite me to... Just kidding, they're losers. They wouldn't have a secret handshake.
You know what? One day I saw some guy walking down the street, carrying his saxophone case and feeling real good. I walked up to him and said, "Hey, fuck. Let me see your saxophone." Thinking that this was a chance to show off and impress me, he opened the case. It was silver with black, and had his name inscribed on the side. Classy.
I snatched it out of that case, broke it in half over my knee and shoved it up his ass. When I got back around to the front, I noticed a huge, euphoric grin on his face. It was at this point that I remembered that all band nerds are faggots. Oh yeah.
Somehow, I just feel like I haven't covered the horridness of band enough. But it will probably always seem that way, because band just sucks infinitely more than anyone will ever really know.
~I'm back. Just kidding, I'll never be here again.~
Back to further enlightenment.