Okay, so here's what happened:
I walk into Albertsons the other day, walk up the stairs to the manager's office and prepare for the day's work.
However, the second I sit down, the night security comes in. "Excuse me, sir, but what do you think you're doing?" they asked me suspiciously.
"Uhm...I decided I'd come in early to work in order to do an inspection of the store this morning," I replied.
The two security guards looked at each other funny, then turned back to me. "Where do you live, sir?" they asked me.
By then, I was getting VERY suspicious of them. Why were the security guards of my own store treating me this way?
I came back with, "I think the real question is...why are you here in my office and not at your posts?"
"Alright, sir. I think you should come with us," they said, putting their fingers losely on the hilts of their clubs.
"I KNEW something wasn't right. WHO do you work for?" I asked menacingly.
"It's alright, sir. We don't want to hurt you..." they said.
Then it struck me. "Walmart..." I muttered under my breath. My muscles tensed up and they lunged at me, drawing their clubs. I jumped on my desk, landing on one foot.
Quickly balancing myself, I switched feet and kicked the club out of one of their hands with my other foot. Reaching out to the side, I grabbed the flying club and brought it down on the other guard's head.
He fell to the ground, holding his head in pain. The first guard reached for his gun, but I was too quick. The club was launched into his eye socket and he began to stumble backwars.
Suddenly a shot went off. The second guard had opened fire. The window shattered, and the first guard stumbled towards it. I lunged for his blind figure and grabbed his gun from his belt before he toppled from the room and thirty feet down to the tile floor.
Spinning around quickly, I blew the second guard's brains out. I didn't think that was the last of it though.
Soon, I heard several sets of rapid footsteps. I opened the door and charged them, shooting the leading one in the face. He fell backward and bowled three of them over. The other four climbed over their fallen comerades.
I took out three of them by shooting them in the eye, throat, and forehead. Then, the ominious click indicated that my gun was void of ammunition. The last guard was upon me, but it didn't matter. I leapt in the air as his body made contact with mine. Grabbing his skull for support, I positioned my feet on his back.
Fifteen feet below, we landed on another guard with the sickening crunches of the man's spine and the other's neck. The other two stumbled to their feet, but I kicked one in the kneecap and broke it. The other one tried to run, but I grabbed a can of tomato soup (ahh, canned foods) and hurled it at his head. It connected with his skull and knocked him out.
"WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?!" I asked the last survivor with the broken kneecap.
"Albertsons!" he finally spat out after much prodding. Damn. Whoever trained him trained him well. If he wouldn't talk then, he wouldn't talk ever. I was about to fill his face with lead when the police burst in the door and pointed their guns at us.
"Finally! It's about time. These men attacked me in my own store!" I said to the police.
"Freeze!" they shouted at me.
Was everyone completely insane? "What the hell?"
"Drop your weapon. You are under arrest," they said. Then one of those negotiators came up to me.
"Sir, I don't want anything bad to happen to you. I am your friend. See? Look at me smile. Now, why were you here?" he asked.
"I just came in to work and these warriors from my arch-nemesis, Walmart, attacked me in my own office," I explained.
"You think you work here, then?" he inquired.
"Work at?!" I shouted.
"Do you know where you are, sir?" he asked cautiously.
I looked him right in the face and said "Albertsons. It's My Store."
~If you don't think that ruled, then what is your fuckin' problem? Damn...~
Back to further enlightenment.