I was just watching this thing on TV. Someone had called the police because, of all things, swans were trying to cross the road during a traffic jam.
The swans, after someone stopped to let them go by (pussy), proceeded to walk 3/4 of the way across the road, then take a coffee break in the middle of one lane.
Some stupid chick got out of her car and tried to "talk them into" going back to their nest or some shit. But the swans we're all "nooo!"
So finally, the police show up (don't ask me why), and this is the unbelievable part. The narrator said, "With the help of highly advanced equipment and specialized training, the police were able to get the swans to the other side of the road."
You want to know what happened? Two cops put a rope down and pushed the damn stupid birds off of the road.
But no, we can't stop here! The moronic feather-necked freaks might go back into the middle of a busy, slow-moving street! So here's what they do now:
Using more specialized equipment and years upon years of training (they didn't actually say that this time), the police trapped the stupid swan family between four ladders. But what's this? The swans got out through the holes between the ladder steps! I'll be damned if those cops saw THAT one coming!
Well, anyway, they all had a nice, productive laugh about the swan's bright escape plan, and then "luckily, a guy from animal control" (blah. yes that's a quote from the narrator too) comes and throws a blanket on my future dinners (actually birds taste nasty, but oh well).
"This jay-walkers are now jailbirds," was yet another quote from the narrator.
So lets recap. Some idiotic swans are crossing the street and holding up traffic (you don't know how many times I would have liked to see someone get out of their car and blow the brains out of the already brainless fucks), so some moron decides to call the police. How would that have gone?
"Hello, you've reached 9-1-1 emergency. How may we help you?"
'Yes, I'd like to report some swans trying to cross the street at the corner of SE 152 Moron Road and Shit St.'
"We'll send a few units with highly advanced equipment and specialized training right away!"
'Oh, thank you! Now we can waste a lot of time getting these useless birds to safety because I'm a vegetarian most likely, and if not I just think animals deserve to live even if they are going to make me 40 minutes late for work and because of that I'll lose my job...but the swans will be safe! Yay!'
Anyway, then people are being held up because no one has the balls to just run the little fuckers over (maybe someone behind all the jackasses wanted to, but oh well. no luck there). So some dipshit gets out of her car and starts making like she could talk to the ducks--swans, whatever. She starts talking to them and, I'll be damned! They completely ignored her!
So then the police show up and, using their highly advanced equipment (a rope) and specialized training (of putting a rope on the ground and moving it), they "save" the swans. Then they try and fail to capture the swans. They think that's pretty damn funny, apparently.
Some guy who likes animals shows up and puts a blanket over the swans and now, guess what: The swans are in cages being taken to who knows where (probably some place we're paying for with our tax dollars so stupid-assed swans can live their life in luxury because they couldn't figure out how to cross a damn road.) and apparently people actually care.
"Yay! Fifty minutes taken out of my life to watch some dumb-shit birds get captured by highly trained law-enforcers with advanced equipment and taken away to birdy paradise! Let's go sit around a fire--but we'll only burn meat because we don't want to eat it, that would be wrong--and hug each other! Yay!"
I would have gotten out of the car and administered a large dose of ass-kick to those swans and everyone holding up traffic. Then I would have gone up to the cops. I would have taken their highly advanced equipment (I'll never let that go) and strangle the first one with it. The other one can only watch because he doesn't want there to be any violence.
Then I'd steal the cop's gun and blow the other one's brains out (twice in one article. yep). "Specialized training my ass," I would say. The one I strangled would not quite be dead, so he would try to argue. I'd just stomp his throat, though.
OK, so I didn't really recap, I actually told the story twice, but it was pathetic both times. Don't you agree?
~Swans are in birdy paradise because they're stupid.~
Back to further enlightenment.