A fear not of the past, because the past is known
But a fear of the future because the past is
Also the future

A deep hole within the center of my soul
So very dark, so very alone

From the very bottom of this hole
There is a pinpoint of Light

The sides of the wall within this hole
Are covered with stones
But these very stones, which are hope
Are covered with slime

They say it will get better, but how do they know
How many times did they see me make it
Half way up those awful stones
Only to step on another slippery one

To slide

Not to the bottom which I was at before
But to a bottom I didn�t know existed

The pinpoint of light becomes even smaller

I see the sadness on his face, the despair in his eyes

Because I am gone? Or because of all the pain
I have caused him is his very short life
He knows it�s finally over, do not grieve my son

The pain, the despair, self loathing so very justified
How many times have I asked myself why
How many times do I tell myself
Leave the guilt behind
This guilt that does not go away with forgiveness

A penance for wrong choices
If I could drink right now, I would
Even knowing I would detest myself
More than I do now
For having done that which I really don�t want to do
If I slip a littel further, will that pinpoint of light
That hope that doesn�t really exist, go away

A calm fill me, knowing the end
Of all the hopelessness, all the pain, all the guilt
Is nearing its end
There is no greater Hell than addiction
That wonderfull high that causes nothing
But pain and guilt and regret

Just one - one won�t hurt
Nobody will know
How did that one cause me to loose so much time
Here�s the bottle
But where did the rest of what was left go

The world is spinning
Or is it my mind
The Light has left me, but no
I turned my back
I chose to end this hopelessness

For a hope that will never exist
Existing for reasons that tend to allude me
Afraid something else has been found
More guilt
Thinking, always thinking, but never any answers
How much longer must I pretend

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