Life-Saving Cat Wins National Title

Pussy Beats Off Big Competition To Scoop Award.

Yesterday the Queen of England herself bestowed one the highest honours possible to a cat who courageously saved its family from certain death. The cat, Barney beat off competition for UK's bravest animal from several other high profile competitors including Lassies younger brother and Flipper the dolphins niece. As well as beating fellow pussy Chris Dickens to the prize.

The proud owner of the super-pussy, Gerald went on and on describing in super fine detail the events which won the cat the prestigious award and some new super fishy smelling kit-e-kat. 

"well the lazy fat piece of fur was sitting in the kitchen doing nothing as usual when the cooker caught fire. He couldn't escape through the kitchen as it was ablaze so he ran upstairs into our room to try and get out through our window which we have always left open for him at night, this was of course after he tried every other possible option to no avail. Once he realised he wasn't going to escape he jumped on the bed and scratched my face to shreds waking me up...after the cat told me what was going on I got up and got out as quickly as possible" Gerald clearly overcome by the moment continued to wax lyrical over his prized pussy; "He's a great cat, he's 200 miles away today at home but I think he knows what is going on" - which is highly unlikely. 

Gerald also had plenty to say about the days events. "I've not come down to earth - we've had a lovely plaque which was presented to us by Michael Fish." 

Some weird old guy with a pussy on his lap.

Today's award demonstrates what every man has known for a long time. Everybody needs a good pussy in the home.

Steve Aroonie Reporting.