A lighthouse keeper called Crighton, Married a lady from Brighton,
But ships ran aground, and trawler men drowned,
Cos she refused to be screwed with the lights on.
A paranoid man from Pool, discovered red spots on his tool,
Cried his doctor a cynic, get out of my clinic and wipe off that lipstick you fool.
A young Bristol hooker called Hurst, in the pleasures of men is well versed,
Reads a sign overhead, as you lie on the bed, the customer always comes first.
A young Dorset farm hand named Rollo, remarked as he larked in the hollow,
Darling my dong is 12inches long, said the girl that's a hard one to swallow.
A policeman from near Nottingham Junction, whose organ had long ceased to function,
Deceived his good wife for the rest of his life with a dollop of snot on his truncheon.
A man in a bus queue in Stoke, unzipped his flies for a joke,
An old man gave shout and almost passed out, whilst a lady nearby had a stroke.
A hooker from Hull city centre, refused to lets pimps represent her,
She managed instead with her sign overhead, saying darling please pay as you enter.
On a ferry out in the North Sea, Jane confessed her that it hurt her to pee,
Oh god cried first mate, that accounts for the state of the captain four stewards and me.
A thrifty old man from the Wirral, told people why bother with screwing?
It';s safer and neater to play with your Peter and besides you can see what you're doing.
There was a young man called Dave who found a dead girl in a cave,
It was a fine piece of luck to find a cold fuck, just look at the money he saved.
A young harlot from Port Vale, held nights for the old and frail,
She was easy to find and for the aid of the blind, on her tits were the prices in Braille.
A Welsh man called John Price, dabbled in every possible vice,
He had virgins and boys and mechanical toys and for condoms he used old white mice.
A farmer we know called O'Doole, had a long and incredible tool,
He used it to plough or to pleasure his cow, or just as a cue stick at pool.
In London a hooker called Sue, filled up her pussy with glue,
She said with a grin, if you pay to get in, you pay to get out too.
There once was a man from Bel Air, who was doing his wife on the stair
But the banister broke, so he doubled his stroke, and finished her off in mid-air.
There was a Young Man from Kent, whose Rod was so long it bent.
So to save himself trouble, he bent it in double, And instead of coming -- he went!
There once was a man from sprocket, who went for a ride in a rocket
The rocket went bang, his balls went clang, And he found his dick in his pocket!
A castrated man called McNash , constructed some balls made of brass
In stormy weather, they would clang together, And sparks would fly out of his ass!
There was a young lady named Hitchin, who was scratching her crotch in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose, it's the crabs, I suppose." She said, "Yes, and the buggers are itchin'."
There once was a man from Nantucket, whose thing was so long he could suck it.
He said, with a grin as he wiped off his chin, "If my ear was a pussy, I'd fuck it!"
There once was a girl named McGill, who used dynamite sticks for a thrill
They found her vagina, in South Carolina and bits of her tits in Brazil
A pansy up in Khartoum, took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night, as to who had the right to do what, with which and to whom.
There was a young girl of Cape Cod, who thought babies were fashioned by God,
But 'twas not the Almighty, Who hiked up her nightie 'Twas Roger, the lodgers long rod
There was a young sailor named Bates, who danced the fandango on skates.
But a fall on his cutlass, has rendered him nutless, and practically useless on dates.
There was an old Count of Swoboda, who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
So with great savoir-faire, she stood on a chair, and pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
On a maiden a man once begat, cute triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat;
'Twas fun in the breeding cut hell in the feeding: she hadn't a spare tit for Tat.
There was a young lady named White, found herself in a terrible plight:
A mucker named Tucker, had struck her, the fucker, the bugger, the bastard, the shite!
Sobbed the wife of a worrisome veep, "I'm so tired and worn I could weep.
It's my husband's demand for a tit in each hand - And the bastard walks 'round in his sleep!"
I have been on dozens of larks; I like it indoors, not in parks.
You feel more at ease, your arse doesn't freeze; and strollers don't make snide remarks.
A broken-down lecher named Tupps, was heard to confess in his cups:
"The height of my folly, was diddling a collie - But I got a nice price for the pups."
There was a young plumber named Lee, who plumbed his girl down by the sea;
Said the lady, "Stop plumbing! I hear someone coming." Said the plumber, still plumbing, "That's me."
A newlywed couple from Goshen, spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
In twenty-eight days they screwed eighty ways - Imagine such fucking devotion!
There once was a nervous young Finn, who had barely begun to get in
To a lady he knew, when her husband said "Boo!" and he damned near jumped out of her skin.
There was a young sailor from Brighton who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "`Pon my soul, you're in the wrong hole; there's plenty of room in the right one."
A guy with his girl in a Fiat, said, "Where on earth is my key at?"
As he started to seek she let out a shriek "THAT'S not where it's likely to be at!"
In days of old, when knights were bold and women weren't particular
They used to stand sword in hand and do it perpendicular !
A naughty old lady of Spain, decided she'd have to abstain
But plugging the entry that favoured the gentry excited the lady again!
There was an old couple named Kelly who went through life belly to belly
For it seems in their haste, they used glue paste Instead of petroleum jelly
There was a man named Oliver Reins delighted in foolhardy games.
He lit a match to his girlfriends snatch and laughed as she pissed in the flames.
There once were three ladies of Birmingham. have you heard of the scandal concerning 'em?
They lifted the frock and played with the cock of the bishop--while he was confirming 'em!
Now the bishop was nobody's fool. (He was raised in a good public school!)
So he lowered his britches and buggered those bitches with his ten inch Episcopal tool!
Then a woman who was in the third pew said something that made the bishop turn blue:
"The vicar is quicker and slicker and thicker and longer and stronger than you!"
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard, to get her poor doggie a bone.
But when she bent over, old Rover did drove her, cause Rover had a bone of his own.
There once was a man from Racine, who invented a screwing machine.
Concave or convex, It would do either sex, But oh what a bastard to clean.
The sea captain's tender young bride fell into the bay at low tide,
You could tell by her squeals, that some of the eels, had discovered a dark place to hide
There was a young maid from Bewd who attended a show in the nude
A man in the front said "I think I smell cunt! and one that;s been recently screwed";
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun.
But stupid Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.
From a crypt in the church of St. Giles, came a scream that resounded for miles!!
"My goodness gracious!" Said brother Ignatius. "I forgot that your lordship has piles."
A remarkable fellow named Jones, could reduce any maiden to moans,
By a technical knowledge, acquired in college, of fourteen erogenous zones.
Three once was a woman named Louise, who's cunt hairs hung down to her knees
The crabs in her twat would tie them in knots and make a flying trapeze.
There once was a girl named Hortense. the size of her breasts was immense.
One day playing soccer out popped her left knocker and she kicked it right over the fence.
There was an old man from Rangoon, whose farts could be heard on the moon
When least you'd expect 'em they'd roar from his rectum with the force of a Burma typhoon!
There was a young man from Saint Johns who wanted to bugger some swans
"You can't" said the porter "Instead take my daughter, the swans are reserved for the dons."
There once was a man named Mcsweeny, who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be Couth he added some Vermouth and slipped his chick a Martini!
The Pious Mahatma Gandhi, Awoke one morn with a dandy
He exclaimed to an aide, go get me a maid a goat, or anything handy
There was once a blonde whore, who would wear clothes no more.
She did a cartwheel, but slipped on a peel to this day she's still stuck to the floor.
There once was a girl from Nantucket, whose pussy was big as a bucket
I put my dick in and said with a grin I'm gonna need a fence post to fuck it
A spiritual healer named Lee, ducked into the alley to pee
He pissed in the eye df this blind homeless guy who screamed "Holy shit! I can see!
There was a young girl from Mauritius, who said "that last shag was delicious" ....
"But next time you cum can u cum up me bum cos that scab on your knob is suspicious!"
There once was a man from Bombay, who fashioned a cunt outta clay
The heat from his prick turned it to brick and skewered his foreskin away
There was a young vampire called Mable, who's periods were very unstable
So every full moon, she took out a spoon and drunk herself under the table
There was a young tart from Southend, who tried lesbian sex with her friend;
With a moan and a grunt, She licked her mates cunt; and loved the experience no end.
There was a young woman from Ealing, who had a peculiar feeling
She laid on her back opened her crack and pissed all over the ceiling
There once was an artist named Saint, who swallowed some samples of paint.
All shades of the spectrum flowed out of his rectum with a colourful lack of restraint
To be real was Pinocchio's desire, of this dream he never did tier;
But he knew he was wood, when he bashed on his pud and the poor little bugger caught fire.
There once was a man form Calcutta, who had a good fuck in a gutter
a copper walked by got cum in his eye and thought it was anchor best butter