Once upon a time there lived three Bears; a Daddy Bear called Puksalot who was half Russian, a Mammy Bear called Paforme whom the Daddy Bear had bought from the Philippines and finally a child Bear, a three year old girl called Kylie who was a Schizophrenic who sometimes believed herself to be a Leprechaun called Burt. They all lived in a large wooden house in a clearing near the centre of Fairytale forest. The Bear family were quite wealthy, mainly because in his younger days Puksalot had been a small time drug dealer and now used his Russian connections to import low grade Cocaine and Ecstasy in order to feed a growing need amongst the forests rabbit population. Because of this cash the house was very stylish with modern furniture expensive paintings, even an indoor fountain which ran constantly with honey. In truth the fountain wasn't an expensive possession, the family secretly kept over a million bees underneath the house, these were illegal immigrants from Pakistan and worked under threat of deportation to France where they would be eaten.
One morning, the Bear family were all sat around there marble dining table, each with a bowl of steaming porridge set out infront of them. Now, Mammy Bear and Daddy Bear were both raving alcoholics, and had only just completed there weekend 48 hour bender and so they did not have any whiskey left to add to their porridge. This was not good, as Paforme was a very ugly looking Bear and if Puksalot sobered up too much he might realise that he had bought an arsewank of a wife and kick her out. They decided that they had to go and stock up very quickly; so telling Kylie that the porridge was too hot they headed off to the nearest Off-License.
A few months earlier both Daddy and mammy Bear had had their driving licenses revoked, following an unfortunate accident with their Ferrari, an oak tree and a now three legged Zebra. This meant that they had to travel by paw, so their journey would take them the best part of an hour, leaving their house as easy pickings to an opportunist thief. The thief in question was a fourteen year old girl called Goldielox, so named because of the colour of her mothers Billy's Beard, incidentally her mother was called Billy because her father was a Casanova goat who worked for a travelling circus. Anyway, Goldielox was a retired prostitute from the Mythical kingdom of Essex. She had recently escaped from a young offenders institute, after being given a lengthy sentence following her part in the gangland murders of Tweedle 'the axe' Dee and his brother Tweedle 'Why does my cow only have one nipple?' Dumb.
She had been casing the house for a number of hours, after first planning to rob them during the night whilst they were all sleeping but had thought twice about it when she had looked through a downstairs window and seen the sheer amount of things that she could steel. As soon as she saw the Bears leave, she took out her mobile phone and sent a Text Message to her friend the Big Bad Wolf who was a part-time removals man, asking him to bring his van. She then ran out of the bushes and down to the door, it was locked and a quick circle of the building indicated that there were no open windows. This didn't matter as she was always prepared. She went back to the front door and started to rummage deep into her pocket, a couple of seconds later she pulled out a home made tampon in which she had previously placed a small amount of gunpowder. She stuck this to the lock on the door with some chewing gum and then lit the string and backed off. There was a small bang and a trickle of smoke, it was enough to make a few birds take to the skies but not loud enough to raise any suspicions.
The door opened and Goldielox wandered inside, at first she was in ore as she looked around the spacious hallway and when she saw the fountain she had to rush over and have a taste of the honey. She rubbed her hands together at the thought of how much money she could make from this Aladdin's cave of goodies, then the smell of the porridge hit her nose. After a night outside in the cold she was hungry and she loved eating porridge, it reminded her of her younger days. She went into the dining room, where the three bowls were still steaming hot on the table. She preferred it just say warm but was too hungry to care and went straight to the biggest bowl. This belonged to Daddy Bear who for some reason liked to put a lot of salt in and one taste made her gag, it was vile. She pushed the dish away and spat it out on the floor as she moved around the table to the next bowl. This one belonged to Mammy Bear and was a little bit smaller than the last one, but it smelt very appetising as she stirred it with the spoon. She scooped a hefty helping onto the spoon and carefully raised it from the dish to her mouth, but before it passed her lips she glanced down and to her horror she could see something just underneath the surface of the porridge in the bowl. She used the spoon to fish it out, it was a small half smoked cigar. Somehow her appetite was quickly diminishing but there was one bowl left and by the laws of percentage this one must be alright. She scrutinised the third bowl, she wasn't going to take any chances with this one; finding no clothing or body parts she declared it fit for British consumption and gulped the lot of it down. Letting out a man-sized burp she went into the living room for a sit down whilst she waited for the Big Bad Wolf to show up.
Unfortunately in her previous profession she did have a lot of black customers, this had left her with a weakened eyesight and occasionally close up things would appear to be blurred. This happened as she went to sit down and made it difficult for her to differentiate the sixes of the three chairs available to her. The first chair was huge and belonged to Daddy Bear, she jumped up but as soon as she touched the chair she leapt back off like a rocket and let out a toe curling scream whilst simultaneously holding her bottom. She rubbed her eyes and inspected the chair, she found he the seat had a penetrating spike carved into it; this was because Daddy Bear suffered from piles and the family vet could not perform the operation unless he gave up alcohol. Next she tried Kylies chair but this was far too small and there was no way her arse cheeks were going to fit on this one. Finally Mammy Bears chair, this one was just the right size and also had a cushion which after the spike her arse needed desperately.
She sat for about five minutes and then sent another Text Message to the Big Bad Wolf asking him to hurry up, she immediately got one back saying that he would be another ten minutes as he had just taken care of a little business. Goldielox decided to have a look upstairs in the bedrooms because most people kept their most valuable possessions there, such as jewellery and gold. The first room that she went into was Kylies, the room was full of toys, but other than the television set there was nothing of interest to her. She had a quick look in her draws where she found a small piggy bank, she opened it but there were only a couple of pounds inside so she pocketed it and moved on into the other room. As she walked into Mammy and Daddy's room her eyes glazed wide with amazement, it was like walking into a vice den. There were mirrors on the ceiling, chains on the walls, leather blankets on the bed and even a video camera secured to the top of a wardrobe. She opened a draw at one side of the bed and found hoping to find some jewellery, but instead was confronted by an eighteen inch dildo which appeared to be filled with hundreds and thousands, there was also an industrial sized tube of KY Jelly, she could smell that the dildo had recently been used but the brown stains along the shaft were an indication that it had not been used in the recommended way. She slammed the draw shut and sat down on the bed, it felt damp, then as she breathed threw her nose she realised why. The bears had obviously pissed the bed, but there was also another smell and as she pealed back the sheets she saw what it was. Not only had they pissed it but they had also shit it and vomited all over. Goldielox immediately spewed up herself and ran to the toilet, but the toilet was also full of shit and it smelt rancid like it had been there a week. She couldn't believe that animals as rich as these, with such a nice house and expensive luxuries, could live like a worm up a dogs arse. She wandered back down stairs, just in time to hear an engine pull up outside; It was the Big Bad Wolf with his van.
He took er around to the back and opened it up; it was a large van with lots of space, but there were three dead pigs hanging from a chain on the ceiling of the van. Goldielox looked at the Wolf,
"I take it that that was the business?"
The Wolf laughed.
"Yeah, they thought a pissy little house of bricks could keep me out, I just petrol bombed the bastard and shot them with a 44 when they came squirming out. Pigs are as thick as shit."
"Please don't mention shit lets just get this over with."
They both rushed through the house, collecting all of the televisions, videos and any other valuables that they could carry. They filled the van to the brim and left vast areas of the house stripped bare. The Wolf then left to take the goodies back to his den, whilst Goldielox chose to hang around because she wanted to see the reaction when the Bear family got home. She went back into the house and hid in a cupboard upstairs.
About ten minutes later the bear family did return, with Puksalot and Paforme each carrying two cases of whiskey one of which was clearly already open. Kylie walked a couple of feet ahead of them in order to prevent them from falling over anything, but once they were in sight of the house she rushed forward in order to open the door. Of course the door was now unlocked and stood slightly ajar; she pushed it open and walked in. Things did not look right, paintings were missing, even the hallway carpet had vanished and she found herself standing on the bare wooden floor. Just then Mammy and Daddy Bear walked in. Daddy was the first one to speak.
"What the fuck! Fucking hell! We've been fucking robbed, the bastards fucking twats I'll fucking kill the lot of the fucking fuck fuck fuck fucking f-f-f fuckers! Oh for fucks sake I need a drink."
He put his two boxes down and took out a bottle of whiskey which he opened and half drank with one big swig. Paforme was already sat on the floor drinking her second bottle, but she had not yet realised.
"What did you say?"
"I said we've been fucking burgled you blind bitch!"
"Oh, what should we do?"
"There's only one thing we can do, call the Rescue Rangers, they'll find them."
"We can't do that, they're giving evidence in the Jonathan King trial, poor Chip and Dale, they're still in therapy."
"Fuck!"
He spotted Kylie looking decisively scared.
"What's the matter with you, you've got nothing to nick, it's all my stuff that's gone."
Kylie started to prance about.
"Oh, to sure, they were after me gold they were, and, me four leaf clovers. I just know they were. Oh be Jesus; please don't let them have found them."
"Oh fuck off Burt, you Irish Twat, you know you've got no gold; it's just a bowl of cannabis you nicked off the Seven Dwarfs. Happy's still pissed off."
"To be sure, but it’s still 24 carrot."
Kylie walked into the kitchen and immediately shouted of them in.
"They've eaten me porridge so they have."
Mammy bear looked at hers, seeing the cigar she picked it up, sucked the porridge off of it and lit it.
"Well they didn't touch mine."
Daddy bear poured the remainder off his bottle of whiskey into his bowl and started to eat his breakfast.
"They haven't touched mine; I can't think why it's lovely."
Next they went into the living room; Daddy Bear looked at his chair.
"Somebody's sat on my spike, that's very unhygienic."
Mammy Bear sniffed her chair.
"They''ve sat on here as well, [Sniff] it was a girl and [Sniff Sniff] yes she definitely farted."
Kylie looked at them both.
"Who cares where they've sat, let's go upstairs and see what else they've taken."
"Good idea, I hope they've kept out of the medicine cabinet, I've got Pinocchio's Viagra and Steroid combination in there."
They all rushed up stairs, Mammy and Daddy Bear ran into their room whilst Kylie wandered into hers. Only Kylie's television and piggybank had gone, her precious bowl was still under her bed and her 'four leaf clovers' were growing nicely outside of the window. She left her room and joined her parents in theirs.
"Have they taken much out of here?"
"It's hard to tell, your mother isn't very tidy you know."
Paforme looked in her top draw next to the bed and smiled with relief.
"They haven't taken my most precious thing, or its batteries."
Daddy bear took a swig from a fresh bottle of Whiskey.
"I think it's time we called the police, they might be able to do something, I fucking doubt it like, I've had more helpful fleas."
Just then they heard a snigger, all six ears pricked up to home in on the noise. Puksalot whispered to the others.
"They must be still here, Mammy Bear you smelt her down stairs try and sniff her out."
Mammy nodded and got down on all fours; she sniffed the carpet until she got a fresh trace of he scent and then started to follow the trail. She had a good nose, capable of sniffing a single Vodka out of a ton of manure; in a matter of minutes she was outside the door of the cupboard in which Goldielox had concealed herself. Daddy Bear pulled the door open and they looked inside, but at first glance they could see nothing but stacks of blankets. Daddy Looked at Mammy, who nodded to indicate that she was still in thee somewhere.
"I'd come out now if I were you."
There was no reply and no sign of movement.
"O.k. Kylie go and get the fire extinguisher."
Kylie ran off to do as she was told. Puksalot moved into the doorway and took out his big hairy brown bear cock; he took another swig from his bottle and then started to piss over all of the blankets, he sprayed erratically over as wide an area as possible. When he finished he stood back and Paforme moved backwards into the doorway, she bent over and took out a lighter which she positioned a couple of inches away from her arsehole. She lit the flame and then let rip with a violet paint stripper of a fart; it was like a flame thrower on overdrive. The piss ignited and the blankets began to burn, there was a pause of a couple of seconds and then Goldielox came running out with her hair and clothing on fire. She dived to the floor and rolled about to put the flames out and then jumped up an attempted to run for it, but Paforme grabbed hold of her and held her with a bear hug. Kylie appeared with the fire extinguisher and they quickly put the fire out. Now it was time for revenge.
First of all Mammy Bear kept hold of her, whilst Daddy Bear extracted some information from their little thief.
"What's your name bitch?"
"Goldielox."
"Where the fuck is our stuff?"
"Fuck you Yogi."
"No fuck you. Paforme take her into the bedroom and take of the sheets, I'm going to find out where our things are."
Goldielox was taken into their bedroom and thrown down on the bed amongst all of the piss, shit and sick. Daddy Bear ripped off her clothing whilst Mammy Bear stood up on the bed and pinned Goldielox's arms down with her feet. Daddy Bear then began to violently fuck Goldielox, who screamed with pain as he banged her in the 'Mike Tyson rape' position for about ten minutes all the time shouting out "Who's the Daddy, who's the Daddy?" Whilst Mammy Bear periodically squatted and pissed on her face.
"Come on, where is our stuff you fucking bitch."
Goldielox was in so much pain that she could hardly talk, but Daddy Bear was in no mood to go leniently.
"O.k. Paforme turn her over."
With that comment Goldielox realised that she couldn't take that sort of punishment and shouted out.
"Alright! Just stop it please!"
"Oh shame."
"The Big Bad Wolf has it all in his den, I'm sorry but it was all his idea he made me do it."
"I don't give a shit. Paforme clean her up and then cook her up, I think we'll have her for supper."
With that he flicked out his razor sharp claws and slashed Goldielox's throat with one swift blow. She coughed and spluttered as the blood gushed from the wound onto the bed. He picked up his pillow and held it over her face to speed thing up, then when she was dead, Mammy Bear took her to prepare her for supper.
Whilst Goldielox was cooking in a whiskey marinade, the Bear family went for a walk to the Big Bad Wolf's den. The wolf's den was a bit of a fortress, with bullet proof windows and steel electronic doors. Daddy Bear and Mammy Bear walked up to the door and rang the bell; a moment later the wolf’s voice came over a speaker at the side of the door.
"What do you want?"
"We want our stuff back!"
"Tough luck, I ain't got nothing. Go away."2
"Let us in."2
"Or what? You'll huff and puff and blow my house down?"
"Sort of. Burt!"
There came the sound of a large engine from beyond the trees, then Kylie came into view driving an oversized Howitzer. She positioned it whilst Mammy and Daddy Bear moved out of the way.
"Oh to be sure, you're really fucked now you are. Hee Hee."
With that she fired two missiles at the front of the den. There were two loud explosions and a lot of thick smoke. When it cleared the front of the den was nothing more than a pile of rubble, they went inside where they found the Big Bad Wolf; he had been knocked unconscious by the blast. Daddy Bear shook him until he came around.
"Where is our stuff?"
"I don’t know."2
"I'm warning you, I have ways of making you talk."
"O.k. it's still in the van; that bitch Goldielox she gets me in so much trouble, I'm such a sucker for a discount."
"Yeah well Goldielox is waiting for you. Paforme."
With that Paforme slashed the Big Bad Wolf's throat and dragged his body out of the house. Puksalot went and fount the van which as the wolf had said still contained there things. They all got into the van and Kylie drove them home, where they replaced all of their things and ate Goldielox. The wolf they kept for breakfast the next day as they had all gone off porridge.
THE END
Two years later Paforme divorced Puksalot and married Mick Jagger on the grounds that Puksalot could no longer perform two hours of oral sex a night with out the aid of a plunger. Puksalot by then had started to fence stolen goods for his mate Ali-baabaa the Muslim sheep and his forty thieves. He was making more money now than ever before and bought himself a new wife, an eighteen year old stripper bear called Flusie-Suzie from Spain. Kylie was cured of her schizophrenia with the aid of actual medication and moved to Australia where she became a crap actor but proceeded to become an alright singer. She married Rolf Harris after finding out he had taken an overdose of Viagra, unfortunately for her she was later eaten by a kangaroo whilst they were on their honeymoon. Rolf escaped unharmed and retired to the country where he carved out a living as a human tent pole.