Why was Mathew Corbett upset when his Father gave him Sooty?
He told him that he would be getting a hand job for his eighteenth birthday.
An Irishman was asleep on a train when somebody pulled the emergency chord. He woke up and not thinking grabbed his things opened the door and stepped off the train. Being British nobody said anything they just all looked as first a suit case came in through the door. This was followed by one hand and then another before finally he Irish man pulled himself back on board, he was now dirty and covered in small cuts. He looked around all the onlookers and said.
"Oh be Jesus, you must think me a terrible fool.";
Then walked over and got out of the other side.
Why did God give Negros Rhythm?
Cause he fucked up with their hair.
Two women on a golf course. One of them hits a stray ball over a mound and walks over to get it. When she gets there the ball is on the floor and a man is standing hunched over in agony. She's so sorry that she puts her hand down his trousers and gives a hand job, saying "Here I'll rub it better." He says "Thanks but my hands still hurts.
How did the struggling actress make it big?
She stopped struggling.
WARNING " Don't drink water. Fish fuck in it".
A Frenchman sees a woman going in to the hotel room next to his. A bit later he can't sleep so he sneaks into her room. She is lying naked across her bed and says nothing as he takes off his clothes and shags her twice before going back to his room. The following morning the police burst into his room and arrest him.
"Sir the lady in the room next to yours was killed at about 9.00pm last night and we have a witness to say that they saw you leave the room at 130am."
"Well I went in at about 1.15am but she was not dead we made love and I left"
"Are you saying you made love to her and did not realise that she was dead?"
"Of course, I just thought that she was English"
Why does Tony Blair Whistle when he has a shit?
So he knows which end to wipe.
How do you know when you've upset the barmaid?
You find string in you Bloody Mary.
The guest speaker at a Women's Institute meeting was having trouble with the Presidents name, Mrs Franny. "Just remember" he was told. "It's Fanny with an R an R" At the end of the speech he said "I'd especially like to thank your President Mrs Crunt".
Blind man walking his dog when his dog pisses on him. Calmly he takes a chew from his pocket and gives it to the dog. A passer by remarks at how tolerant the blind man was. "Not really said the blind man, I'm just finding his mouth so that I can kick him in the balls".
BOY: Look at this, you haven't got one of these.
GIRL: No but I've got one of these and my sister says that with one of these I can get as many of those as I want.
Some Geologists working in Canada sent a cable to their head office reading "Send three Punts and a Canoe", The reply came. "Three girls arriving tomorrow but what's a Panoe".
A Welsh man can not only read the bottom line in an Opticians, he can pronounce it too.
What do Elephants use for Tampax?
Sheep.
Irishman lying in the road with a broken leg. A man walks over. "How did you come to break your leg?" Irishman says. "I didnt I came to mend the roof".
Irishman goes into Chemist. "id like to buy some deodorant please" "Certainly, would you like this one?, the ball type", "No I want it for my armpits".
Two hard women in a pub. "Joanne why've you got your Tampax behind you ear?" "Shit where did I put my fag?".
What has six legs and eats pussy?
You me and the Lesbian next door.
A man got fired from the local butchers for putting his dick in the bacon-slicer, she got fired too.
MAN: I'm sorry but I don't have much success with girls, I'd rather hoped that we could spend a little time together.
WOMAN: Your place or mine?
MAN: Well if you're going to argue about it you can fuck off".
DRUNK: Landlord, do lemons have legs?
LANDLORD: No of course they don't.
DRUNK: In that case I think I've just squeezed your Canary into my drink.
= How do you separate the men from the boys in a Monastery?
With a Crowbar.
= A man comes home one day and his wife of 35 years has been in his safe.
Her: I've looked in the safe and there's �40.000 and three egg.
Him: I told you never to look in there.
Her: I know but why the three eggs?
Him: Well when ever I sleep with another woman I put an egg in the safe.
Her: I suppose three in 35 years isn't too bad. What about the money?
Him: Well when I get a dozen I sell them.
A man working in a brewery fell into a vat of lager and drowned.
Police are treating it as suspicious because three times he got out for a piss.
Three women in a maternity ward.
1) Well I'm having a boy because when we conceived I was on the bottom.
2) Well I'm having a girl because I was on top.
The third woman starts crying inconsolably.
3) In that case I think I'm having puppies.
Woman: I've just been to the doctors and he says that I've got the tits of a sixteen year old.
Man: Well what about your 55 year old arsehole?
Woman: He never mentioned your name.
A man approaches a hooker; she tells him that she will do anything for �45, even kinky stuff. He tells her that after sex he likes to put on a Wellington boot and kick the woman for a while. She agrees and they have sex, he then put on the boot and starts to belt the shit out of her. After three hours she asks him when he is going to stop, he says when I get my fucking �45 back.
Scotsman: If a flash my caber at those tourists what do you think they will say?
Wife: They'll say that I married you for your money.
What is the most effective oral contraceptive?
Fuck Off!
A partially deaf man is with his mate in a pub and a good looking woman is flirting with him. His mate says to him "It's a shame you can't hear the things that she keeps saying to you". He replies "Don't worry with jeans that tight I can lip read".
What to Essex girls and mopeds have in common?
They're both fun to ride until somebody sees you.
A man is given six months to live by his doctor, distraught he asks if there's anything that he can do. The doctor tells him that he should move in with a noisy fat woman and watch cricket all day because it would make six months feel like a life time.
How do you make a hormone?
Put sand in her Vaseline
A welsh farmer goes on a driving test.
Instructor: Can you make a U-Turn?
Farmer: No but I can make its eyes water.
Did you hear about the short sighted Rabbi? At his first Bar mitzvah he slipped and got the sack.
A crime watch bulletin gave off that somebody had bashed a Bishop in his church. Police have arrested 1000 teenagers.
A local chemists was robbed the thieves took everything accept the condoms and the brillcream. Police are looking for a BALD CATHOLIC.
Why does a Lada have a heated wind screen?
To keep your hand warm when pushing it.
What's the difference between a nun and a girl in the bath?
One has a soul full of hope the other had a hole …Think about it.
What do you get if you cross a num and an apple?
A computer that won't go down on you.
A vicar had his bike stolen, a friend told him to list the ten commandment in his next service and when he gets to "thaw shall not steel", look around for guilty faces. The next day he asks the vicar if it worked. The vicar told him that he listed the Ten Commandments and when he got to thow shall not commit adultery; he remembered where he had let his bike.
Did you hear about the woman with three fannies?
She got fucked left right and centre.
Q If Germany invaded Spain from the rear, would Greece help?
A man walks into a shop.
Man:"Can I buy some flowers please?
Woman:"I'm sorry sir but we don't sell flowers, this is a circumcision clinic.
Man:"But you've got flowers in the window.
Woman:"What do you expect us to put in the window?