Once upon a time in a land without cartoons, there lived two teenagers called Hansel and Gretel. They were brother and sister, he was sixteen years old and she was seventeen and they lived deep into the countryside of Western Germany. They lived with their aging Grandparents, the Van Hire's and had done for some years as their parents had been convicted and executed of having a sense of humour.
Germany was quite a dangerous place to live these days, following the election of a 'Rights for Women Party'. Nowadays, Women were aloud out of the kitchen and able to do real work, they were even aloud to drive cars which immediately drove road traffic accidents up by 5000%. Because of the inherent dangers posed by these power man 'don't know that the woman's place is in the home', feminist maniacs; many children were prevented from leaving their homes after tea. Hansel and Gretel were two such children and their grandparents had never let them have any sort of a social life, other than at school and the occasionally Ecstasy ridden 48 hour weekend rave party at the near by Jewish and Mormon Piss-up Emporium. As the years passed though, senile dementia set in amongst the two grandparents, as did wood rot, incontinence and fleas. This made it much easier for the two teenagers to go out and drink more with friends, however their main craving was for exploration. They had always been told stories of the forest and how dangerous yet beautiful it was, they had never been aloud to stray from the road into the nearest town and nobody would ever take them for a look around in the forest. Their imaginations had long since come up with ideas of fire breathing car salesmen, three headed Jehovah's Witnesses and Jewish money lenders, but as they had never had any sort of opportunity to prove any of their theories, they had to remain as theories until now.
It was a particularly hot summer's day, Hansel and Gretel got up very early and sneaked out of the house whilst their grandparents ran around thinking they were chickens, shitting on the floor and trying to lay eggs. Hansel made sure that they had plenty of food and drink to take with them, even though Gretel was a part time anorexic and only eat on days with a 'T'; in their name. Hansel had tried being bulimic in order to lose some of his colossal weight, but he found that When ever he vomited food back up, he had to eat it again very quickly. Anyway, it was about nine o'clock in the morning when they set out into the dense forest heading north. Minutes after they set off Hansel began to eat, leaving a trail of bread crumbs and sweet wrapper in his wake. They had fun climbing trees, whilst the forest animals had fun watching them falling from trees; they went skinny-dipping a slow flowing river and met a friendly unicorn as he stopped for a drink on his way to Vegas. It was an enjoyable time and there didn't seem to be anything of any danger, they couldn't understand why they had been prevented from coming here in the past. It was a paradise of tranquillity on their own doorstep.
As the sun shone at it hottest, Hansel looked at his digital watch; it was dinnertime. He knew that they had come quite a few miles and that it would take them a while to get back. He suggested that they have something to eat for their dinner and then start to head back. Being a Monday Gretel didn't want anything, so Hansel finished off the rest of the food and they shared a six pack of cider. They then began to make their way back, but it soon became clear to them that they weren't sure of their way back. They had headed North, but the denseness of certain areas had forced them to break from any kind of direct route which meant that for all south should be the right direction it could end up taking them further away They began to panic, they knew that if they could find there way back to the river then they could follow it down stream as it surfaced about a mile down the road from their house. The problem was that they couldn't find the river; it felt like they were going around in circles and it was getting to them.
"I'm going to starve."
Hansel whimpered, but Gretel wasn't interested in him being hungry she was more worried that she might not get home in time to do the washing and Hoover the dog. Their panic grew, but luck was soon to be at hand, when Gretel went into the bushed for a squat and squirt. She was just reaching up for some leaves when she spotted something in the distance, it was the roof of a house. She grabbed some poisoned ivy and finished off, then came out of the bushes and told Hansel.
They both ran through the trees for about two hundred meters and then came out into a clearing where the house was stood. Hansel dropped to his knees with disbelief, as what stood before him was the pinnacle of his wettest of dreams, an entire house made out food. There were walls made of cake, candy windows, curry filled gutters and the overflow pipe spewed what turned out to be lager. Hansel lost control and began to stuff his face, even Gretel couldn't resist having a nibble although she put her fingers down her throat to bring the food back up. About half an hour passed, during which Hansel managed to gorge his way through nearly an entire wall. The next thing that either of them knew, there came the sound of a powerful car engine, then a black Porsche sped into view and skidded to a stop just a couple of feet away from the now devoured front door. The door swung open and out jumped a grotesque, green skinned women with a black bandanna on her head. Chuckling, she finished off the can of super strength special brew lager that she had been drinking and chucked the can to the floor where it vanished on impact. She looked up at her house and then at Hansel and Gretel, who were edging away from her.
"You two! Here! Now!"
Hansel and Gretel were too scared not to do as they were told and walked slowly towards the woman.
"You think that you can just come and eat me out of house and home, don't you know who I am?"
They both shook their heads.
"I'm Cherie Blair the Witch and this house is an experiment of mine, I'm trying to create a replenishing food source which can double up as a shelter for the homeless. I call it the Cherie Blair Witch Project and this was going to win me an award."
"I'm sorry miss."
Hansel replied.
"We were both really hungry, we're lost you see and a long way from home. We'd be happy to repay you if you could help us get home."
"It doesn't matter about the house, it'll grow back see, it's just the principle of the thing."
She pointed at the house, which in the short space of time that they had been talking had almost fully regenerated itself.
"Now come inside and have some real home cooking, then I'll see what I can do with you, I mean for you."
She chuckled as she walked into the house, but neither Hansel nor Gretel suspected that there would be any danger inside and blindly followed her inside. They assumed that she was a good witch as the idea of the house was such a generous one, but they were very wrong. The truth was that she was an evil witch, she had houses like this in forests all over the world and used them to lure naive children into her grasp. Sometimes she would fatten them up and eat them, but mostly she would sell them to Catholic Priests over the internet as sex slaves; she was always looking to make money as she had massive gambling debts and currently owed a unicorn a substantial sum. Hansel and Gretel were a bit two old to be sold, so she decided that she would eat them for her supper.
Once inside she sat them infront of a wide screen television and left them to look at their own reflections whilst she went into the kitchen to prepare their final meal. She returned a minute or so later with what looked like two chocolate milkshakes, Hansel grabbed it out of her hand and drank it down I one whilst Gretel just took a small sip and put hers down on the ground. The witch stood and watched them, they looked at her and then suddenly they fell unconscious. They awoke some time later to find themselves in cages, Hansel's cage was on the floor because he was too heavy to be suspended like Gretel';s was.
"Oh no, Gretel we're trapped; I'm going to starve to death in here."
"Oh shut up you fat moaning cunt! You'll not have time to starve, she must be a bad witch and they eat children."
"2Yeah well there's not much fat on you y' skinny bitch, she’s have to pick her teeth with you."
"Good then I'll get to see her eat your big fat fucking arse."
Hearing that they were awake, Cherie rushed in to inspect her catch more closely. She poked at them with a long stick and was very pleased with Hansel, but she found it hard to differentiate between the stick and Gretel as she was so thin. She was disappointed as she wanted to eat them both, seen as though they were brother and sister it was only fair. The logic solution was to fatten her up, but it would have to be a very quick fattening if she was going to cook and eat them for her supper.
"Oh, why can't you be fat like British girls?"
"Because all fat British girls are lesbians and I hate fish, it's fattening."
"Well Gretel, I'm going to prepare a special sandwich for you and you are going to eat it."
She disappeared again in order to create a magic sandwich that would cause Gretel to expand to edible proportions. While she was gone, Gretel and Hansel whispered between each other.
"Hansel, we gotta get out of here, I don't want to be fat like you."
"Could you not fit through the bars of your cage, I'm sure you're thin enough."
"Perhaps, then I could run and get help."
"No then you could get me the fuck out of here and we can kill that cow."
"Oh right."
Gretel squeezed through the bars and dropped to the floor, the key to Hansel's cage was on a near by table so she grabbed it. She was about to open it when she heard Cherie coming back, so she passed the key to Hansel and climbed back up into her cage. Cherie had a small triangular lettuce sandwich, coated with a special mixture; she passed it through the bars to Gretel.
"Eat this."
"Stick it up your arse."
"Eat it or I will torture you and the fat one."
Gretel eat it.
"Good, that shouldn't take long, I'll put the cauldron on."
Cherie left again; as soon as she did Gretel put her finger to her throat and spewed the sandwich back up before it had any time to work. Hearing the noise, Cherie came back.
"You useless twat, I've got no more of that left. Looks like I'm going to have to do this the practical way."
She took Gretel out of the cage and dragged her over to the table, she then tied her down and took out a pair of bellows. She used the bellows to fill Gretel with air, blowing her up like a novelty balloon. When she was big enough she corked her mouth, nose and arsehole, then untied her and took her to the cauldron. It wasn't quite hot enough yet so she left Gretel on the floor and went to get some wood to stoke it up a bit. Meanwhile Hansel had used the key to get himself out and was now looking for some sort of weapon to use against the witch. He found an ornamental samurai sword hanging on a wall and took it down, it was the genuine article and perfect for some home cutting. He crept to the kitchen, where he saw Gretel on the floor and the witch throwing wood underneath the cauldron. The pot was bubbling, he had to move now and quickly. He glided across the floor silently until he was only a couple of feet away from her.
"Excuse me you human form of impotence."
The witch turned quickly, but as she did so he swung his sword. The blade sliced through her throat like a knife through warm butter, her head rolled to the floor and then her body crashed down on top of Gretel. The head rolled so that the face was looking up, it was now all twisted and contorted. Hansel helped Gretel to her feet and took out the corks, there was a huge gust of air as she shrank back down to her normal size. Suddenly the head began to chuckle.
"You have to do better than that to kill a witch."
Hansel laughed.
"Fuck off"
He stuck the blade through the head and into the brain, he then twisted it and eased it around to form a big hole. Then he pulled it out and began to hack at the head and body, chopping the whole thing up into small pieces. They both put the pieces into the pot and allowed them to cook for about half an hour. He then took the water out of the cauldron and replaced it with a lot of petrol which he siphoned out of the witches car. They set fire to it and watched as the witch was burnt to cinders, finally they took the cinders and buried them in a number of places outside. She was definitely dead now and with her power dead, her spells were now vanquished and the house ceased to exist. Hansel was disappointed as he was hungry again and wanted to eat it a second time.
They got into the car, which must have been real and drove off down the track which the witch had arrived down. It went on for a couple of miles and then joined up with the proper road that went through the forest, from here they knew their way home and got back as fast as they could. Luckily their grandparents hadn't noticed, they were too busy looming after a number of little chicks that had somehow transcended into the house. They both went to bed and lived happily ever after, never again venturing out into the forest.
THE END
Due to mandatory euthanasia, the two grandparents died exactly one year later and the two children inherited the house. Hansel went on to become the leader of Germany and immediately invaded Switzerland in order to claim their chocolate reserves, he was later shot dead by a crazed kamikaze Peking duck. Gretel remained on the farm, where she slowly went mad due to an opium habit and married a unicorn named Herbert; she had one son but was impaled during birth and died in immense pain. The unicorns went on to have a hit record with Smack my Bitch up, but their fame was short lived and eventually they were shot my gangland drug dealers and turned into glue and dog food.