IT WAS BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION BY A REINDEER NOW ON THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM, THAT HIS FORMER KEEPER SANTA CLAUS WAS INFACT REAL UP UNTIL THE MID EIGHTEES. HE HAD BEEN IN SEMI RETIREMENT AND LIVING IN ITALY WITH MRS CLAUS A TWENTY YEAR OLD FORMER PORN STAR FROM HOLLAND. HE INFORMED ME THAT SANTA WAS PLANNING ON RETURNING TO FULL TIME WORK, BUT WHEN THE CORPORATE WORLD HEARD ABOUT IT, THEY HAD HIM ASSASINATED BY SAS SQUIRRELS. HE TOLD ME THAT AT LEAST FIVE MAJOR RETAILERS WERE INVOLVED IN THE HIT AND A CERTAIN AL FAYED GAVE MOST OF THE FINANCIAL BACKING.
NUMBER TWO
AFTER CARRYING OUT SOME RESEARCH INTO ANCIENT CULTURE I HAVE DISCOVERED THE REAL REASON WHY THE FAMOUS DODO BECAME EXTINCT. IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM BEING FLIGHTLESS AND TASTEY, IT WAS BECAUSE THEY HAD A CHEMICAL IN THEIR FEATHERS WHICH WAS INFACT FLAMABLE. AS NATIVES CAME TO THE AREAS WHERE THEY LIVED THEY BROUGHT WITH THEM A LARGE AMOUNT OF DOPE, THE SMELL OF WHICH WAS VERY ADDICTIVE TO THE SMALL BIRDS AND THEY SOME STARTED TO SMOKE IT THROUGH PIPES AND BONGS OF COURSE WE KNOW THEY COULD NOT ROLL THEIR OWN. AS WE KNOW FLAMABLE AND SMOKING ARE NOT A GOOD COMBINATION OF WORDS AND THE DODO'S WERE ALL BURNED TO EXTINCTION, UNFORTUNATELY THEY WERE TOO FUCKED TO NOTICE.
NUMBER THREE
AS A FULL BLOODED ROCK FAN I AM SAFE BUT I MUST WARN THE REST OF YOU THAT THE MUSIC INDUSTRY ARE USING SUBLIMINAL SUGGESTION WITHIN ALL POP MUSIC IN ORDER TO MAKE PEOPLE STUPID, I BELIEVE THIS IS WHY SO MANY PEOPLE ARE VOTING FOR THE LIKES OF LABOUR AND EVEN WORSE GEORGE BUSH. THE ONLY WAY TO BE SAFE IS TO STOP LISTENING TO ALL OF THIS MODERN MANUFACTURED SHIT AND GET SOME GOOD HARD ROCK IN YOUR SOULS.
NUMBER FOUR
ROSWELL, I'M AFRAID IT WAS NOT ALIENS, NO REALLY HONEST ALIENS AREN'T THAT DAFT. INFACT IT WAS REALLY A FAT BASTARD IN A FART POWERED AIR BALLOON WHO CRASHED AFTER PASSING OUT ON HIS OWN TOXIC FUMES. THIS WAS COVERED UP AS THE PILOT WAS RETARDED AND HAD TO BE RETURNED TO HIS DAY JOB AS VICE PRESIDENT.
NUMBER FIVE
HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHY NOBODY OTHER THAN THE CHINESE CAN UNDERSTAND CHINESE WRITING, IT IS BECAUSE THE CHINESE HAVE BEEN FOOLING THE WORLD. THEY ARE INFACT ILLITERATE, THAT IS WHY THEY EAT BY NUMBERS. ALSO HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A CHINESE FUNNERAL? NEITHER HAS ANYBODY ELSE WHICH EITHER MEANS THEY LIVE FOR EVER OR WE DO NOT ALWAYS GET WHAT WE ORDER.
NUMBER SIX
THE TALIBAN WRE NOT BEHIND SEPTEMBER THE 11th THE AMERICANS JUST SAID THIS SO THAT THEY COULD BOMB THEM AS A PRETEXT FOR INVADING IRAQ FOR THE OIL. SEPTEMBER THE 11th WAS INFACT DOWN TO THE IRISH AND I DON"T MEAN IRISH TERRORISTS. THE PILOTS OF THE CRASHED PLAINS WERE INFACT ORDINARY IRISH IDIOTS TRAINED BY A DRUNKEN STEVIE WONDER FOR CASH.
NUMBER SEVEN
FORMER PRESIDENT JOHN F KENNEDY WAS ASSASSINATED BUT NOT BY MR HARVEY OSWALD. WHAT PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW ABOUT JOHNNY WAS THE FACT THAT HE WAS A COMPULSIVE CLEANER AND HE HAD DEVELOPED MANY ENEMIES AMONGST THE DUST MITE COMMUNITY. THERE WAS AN ELABORATE SET UP BY THE VASTLY INTELLIGENT MITES WHO USED AN ELASTICATED FIRING MECHANISM TO SHOOT THE PRESIDENT FROM BEHIND THE NEARBY BUSHES.
NUMBER EIGHT
THE MOON LANDING DID NOT OCCUR, INFACT IT WAS SECRETLY FILMED WITHIN THE GROUNDS OF AREA 51. THEY HAD TO DO THIS BECAUSE SATALITES HAD BROUGHT BACK FOOTAGE OF A RACE OF ALIEN WELSH TOURISTS COLLONISING THE AREA. THE AMERICANS RIGHTLY STAYED AWAY, HOWEVER THE RUSSIANS DID MAKE A SUCCESSFUL ATTEMP. YOU WILL NEVER HEAR OF THIS BECAUSE THE RUSSIANS DID NOT MAKE IT BACK, UNFORTUNATELY THEY WERE GOBBED TO DEATH. THE RUSSIANS WERE SO ANGRY THAT THE AMERICANS HAD NOT LET THEM KNOW THAT THEY BEGAN TO COLLECT EVEN MORE ARMS AND THE COLD WAR WAS ININTIATED THEN.
NUMBER NINE
THE WOMBLES ARE A GROUP OF UNDERGROND OVER GROUND WANDERING THEIVES, THEY STEAL THINGS FROM THE UNSUSPECTING PEOPLE OF WIMBLDON AND SELL THEM THROUGH THEIR LINKS WITH THE BLACK MARKET. THEY ARE LED BY THE RUTHLESS UNCLE BULGARIA AND HAVE TIES THROUGHOUT THE WORLD. BE WARNED WOMBLES ARE DANGEROUS IF YOU SEE ONE DO NOT APPROACH IT GO AND TELL A COPPER.
NUMBER TEN
A CERTAIN MR JACKSON DEVELOPED THE SKILL OF MOON WALKING A NUMBER OF YEARS AGO. IT WAS A VERY DIFFICULT THING TO DO AND I WAS NEVER CONVINCED HE CAME UP WITH IT ON HIS OWN SO I CARRIED OUT SOME RESEARCH INTO THE MATTER AND I HAVE FOUND WHAT MR JACKSON DOES NOT WANT YOU TO KNOW. FOLLOWING A TORRID AFFAIR BETWEEN HER LESBIAN LOVER THE DISH AND THE YOUNG HOTSHOT PLAYBOY THE SPOON, A VERY ANGRY COW USED A POGO STICK IN ORDER TO JUMP OVER THE MOON AND SPEWIE MILK OVER THE WELSH ALIENS WHICH LIVE THERE. WHILST FLYING THROUGH ZERO GRAVITY THE COW BEGAN TO USE THE METHOD NOW KNOWN AS MOON WALKING IN ORDER MAINTAIN A DEGREE OF MOTION. MR JACKSON SAW THIS AS HE OFTEN WATCHED THE SKIES AT NIGHT WHILST BEING SUCKED OFF BY YOUNG MONKEYS AND OFFERED TO DO ANYTHING IF THE COW COULD TEACH HIM. THE COW HAD A MASSIVE GRUDGE AGAINST THE DISH AND THE SPOON AND AGREED TO TEACH MR JACKSON ONLY IF THE DISH HAD AND THE SPOON HAD AN ACCIDENT. MR JACKSON AGREED. LATER THE DISH AND THE SPOON WERE INVITED TO A PARTY AT MR JACKSON HOUSE ALONG WITH JACKSONS FRIEND URI GELLER. URI A FAMOUS BENDER USED HIS POWERS TO CRIPPLE THE SPOON WHILST JACKSON USED THE SPOON AS A FRISBY FOR BUBBLES. THE COW WAS SATISFIED AND MR JACKSON LEARNED A DANCE ROUTINE.
NUMBER ELEVEN
DINOSAURS WERE KILLED BECAUSE THEY WERE SEXUALLY MOTIVATED CREATURES, ALL THEY DID WAS EAT SHIT AND FUCK. YOU DONT SEE IT ON WALKING WITH DINOSAURS BUT IT IS TRUE AND THAT IS WHY SEA WATER IS SO SALTY. WHAT KILLED THEM WAS THE FACT THAT ALL OF THE SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES AROUND TODAY ALSO EXISTED BACK THEN TOO AND FOR ALL IT WAS QUITE A NICE WAY TO GO THE DINOSAURS DID INFACT SHAG THEMSELVES TO DEATH.
NUMBER TWELVE
THE ANCIENT CITIES OF ATLANTIS REALLY SANK BECAUSE THE ATLANTIAN MEN HAD AN INCREDIBLE FETTISH FOR REALLY FAT WOMEN. THE WOMEN OF ATLANTIS OUT NUMBERED THE MEN WITH A TEN TO ONE RATIO AND QUITE OFTEN TO PLEASE THE MEN THE WOMEN WOULD GROW TO BE OVER TWENTY STONES IN WEIGHT. IN TURN THE MEN HAD TO PUT WEIGHT ON SO AS NOT TO BE CRUSHED WHEN SHAGGING, IT WAS ALL THIS EXTRA WEIGHT WHICH CAUSED THEM TO SINK AND I BELIEVE THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING AMERICA IS SINKING UNDER THEIR OWN WEIGHT NOW AND THAT IS WHAT IS CAUSING THE SEA LEVEL TO RISE.
NUMBER THIRTEEN
ORAL SEX WAS INVENTED BY THE IRISH WHEN THEY DESPERATELY TRIED TO MILK A HERD OF BULLS, IT DIDN'T WORK BUT THEY LIKED IT SO MUCH THEY BEGAN TO USE IT ON COWS AND HORSES, THE WELSH GOT IN ON THE ACT AND STARTED TO FUCK SHEEP, THEN THE GEORDIES OF ENGLAND FINALLY SHOWED THE WORLD HOW TO DO IT RIGHT.
NUMBER FOURTEEN
MANY RACES OF ALIENS HAVE INFILTRATED THE PLANEt, SOME ARE GOOD LIKE BUGS BUNNY (COME ON A TALKING RABBIT THAT KNOWS MARTIANS YOU MUST OF GUESSED) AND SOME LIKE GEORGE BUSH ARE EVIL. IT SEEMS THAT A LOT OF ALIENS WHO ARE NOT IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN HAVE TAKEN UP JOBS WORKING AS TELEPHONE OPERATORS IN CALL CENTRES, AND THEY STILL MAKE NO EFFORT TO LEARN THE HUMAN LABNGUAGE OF ENGLISH. I ALSO BELIEVE THAT A LARGE NUMBER OF THESE ALIENS HAVE MANAGED TO AQUIRE JOBS IN THE MEDICAL WORLD AS WHENEVER I HAVE BEEN IN A HOSPITAL HEARD A DOCTOR OR SEEN THERE HAND WRITING, I'M SURE THAT A LOT OF THESE MUST BE ILLEGAL ALIENS.
NUMBER FIFTEEN
BECAUSE THE AMERICANS ARE SO FAMOUS FOR BEING AN OVER WEIGHT NATION EATING OUT OF BUCKETS AND HAVING EVERYTHING SUPER SIZED EXCEPT THEIR BRAINS ANYWAY (SEEN AS THO THEY CANT DISTINGUISH BETWEEN BEING PATRIOTIC AND LOVING THEIR COUNTRY AND BEING AGAINST THEIR EVIL GOVERNMENT) ANYWAY IT IS MY BELIEF SEEN AS THO THEY HAVE MUCH OF THE CONTROL OVER ALL THE CHEAP LABOUR THAT PRODUCES MUCH OF OUR CLOTHING THAT THEY HAVE DELIBERATELY STARTED PRODUCING CLOTHES THAT ARE SMALLER. HENSE WHAT USED TO BE A NORMAL LARGE SIZE IS NOW XXL. AND SO THE MAJORISTY OF PEOPLE IN ENGLAND NOW HAVE TO WEAR EXTRA X'S I KNOW THIS BECAUSE 15 YEARS AGO I USED TO WEAR MEDIUM TO LARGE AND NOW I HAVE TO GET XL, NOW I DONT BELIEVE I AM ANY FATTER THAN WHEN I WAS TEN YEARS OLD IT HAS TO BE THE CLOTHES THAT ARE SHRINKING SO BLAME TE YANKS FAT PEOPLE OF ENGLAND AND BOYCOTT MACDONALDS