KENT, OHIO - Early fall in Kent - streets bustling, leaves falling, students returning to college - not quite the place where you'd expect a bloated, unpredictable hygiene product to be wandering the streets. However, police had been receiving many complaints of a bloody white figure roaming from bar to bar, approaching women and asking them an unthinkably rude question - "ARE YOU ON YOUR PERIOD?"

The busy streets of Kent are not an easy place for a bloody white man to hide. Passersby turned away in disgust as the drippy stranger left his trail down North Main Street only adding to the long list of complaints to the police.

Our correspondent, Danielle Hatesyou, tracked down the overly-emotional Tampon Man. Tampon Man confides to our correspondent, "I had a woman who could hold me tight between her legs and really make me feel loved, but after such a short period she threw me out for another. Now I'm looking for someplace to retire to - a little paper bag, a metal container on a ladies room wall - someplace where I won't be persecuted for being different."

Tampon Man further explains, "I thought maybe if I found some of my own kind I'd be okay. So I looked in the bathroom of the Loft; all I found were French ticklers, tattoos for two, and four assorted love surprises, not a tampon to be found. Maybe Kent's just not the kind of town for an absorbent fellow like me."