| Fan Fiction |
| By Lidia: |
| Nothing That Had Once Meant Something |
| Disclaimer: These characters belong to Anne Rice. A/N: I haven't written any in a long time. Mostly because I have no talent. I'm in the mood for flames, etc, so if you feel like it, just give me a long list of grievances. Not in a good mood, but figured flames would do the trick. I know it's not as good as Grace's, but bear with me anyway. :) Story Setting: Right after Claudia slit Lestat's throat and they dumped him in the swamp. No plot. Rating: PG Title: Nothing That Had Once Meant Something ~Lestat's Point-of-View~ I didn't suppose the reality would hit me as hard as it did tonight. I gazed up at the stars, my heart full of unrequited pain. I couldn't stop the dull throb of pain in my head, threatening to drive me insane. I could feel the stinging of unshed tears clouding my eyes, yet I couldn't cry. My tear ducts as dry as grain after what my daughter has wrought me. I doubted if even a slight remainder of blood lay in my body. I felt the ache and agony similar to that of the blood drawing of a new fledgling. Even after I fingered the slash across my neck, tried to become angry with my darling daughter whom had cut me, and at mon Louis who had stood idly by, I felt empty. I couldn't make my anger rise. Couldn't clot the pain that sent the lump up in my throat, choked off my air as I realized that now all my fledglings had abandoned me. Not nearly as harsh as that, but the realization that the one creature for whom I would forfeit my own soul should any danger threaten him...had left me, had harmed me. I couldn't get it through my mind, that my dark haired angel had left me for the child demon that I had made for him to stay with me. Not to run off with. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. In the long run, maybe I should have expected this to happen. I had never been worthy of him, and now it hit me full force as my dilapidated body floated on the murky surface of the filthy swamp. I had tricked myself those long years that I held him...loved him. Never savoring the simple joy of holding his body in my arms. Never memorizing the exact way his eyes shone when he looked at me with love. Claudia always trying to tear us apart, her still child like mind never comprehending what we meant to each, what he meant to me. But she had succeeded in the end. She had gotten the dark prince both of us had lusted after for years. Yet I had captured his heart, but I hadn't gotten to revel in the pleasure of it. For had I truly had his heart, if he could do this to me? If he could watch her destroy every shed of what was once the great Vampire Lestat? I couldn't blame him, couldn't conceive of truly being angry with him. My fingers twitched at the thought of perhaps exacting my revenge on my sweet daughter. But I knew that he couldn't forgive me if I harmed her. He could forgive her anything, but I...was just a name on the list of his grievances. Perhaps I had been his lover for a simple necessity. He hadn't known any other options. For whom would he sate his thirst on, if not for me? Our darling daughter? I should hope not. Perhaps if he had known others, would he have still come to me in the early morning hours, need apparent in his eyes, that small half smile begging me to hold him, to kiss him, to make him feel loved? I wanted to think so, yet I knew deep down that maybe... No, I didn't want to think about it. He hadn't known other options. He had come to me, and that was what mattered. I couldn't let myself dwell on what could have been. It would help nothing of my situation now. Nothing to remedy the helplessness I felt at being left solitary. They hadn't known me. Either of them. And that was their faults as well as my own. If they studied me as I studied them, grew to know what I hid, perhaps they would have for once seen the good Lestat. The Lestat I had once been and hoped that maybe I could still be. But they hadn't. And now I was here. And it would have been easier to go through this if I had perhaps known that Louis still loved me, had loved me at all. If I still meant something to him in his dark heart. But I knew, that things would never be the same even if I went back. I would never be able to be near him without wondering whether he wanted me there. To know if he had merely been a pawn in this plot of my destruction...or an accomplice would knaw at my heart. Could I ever believe the truth? The look in his eyes, that hard, ungiving look I had seen as our daughter slashed at me still made me shiver. And now I knew that, but still ached, hoping it was untrue, to Louis, I was worse than nothing. I was nothing...that had once meant something. ~fin~ Fan Fiction Home |